When you're planning your wedding with your significant other, the last thing you probably expect them to want to do at the ceremony is make a tribute to their ex-partner - so one man was left dumbfounded when his wife-to-be said that she wanted to dedicate a song to her ex.
The man took to Reddit's 'Am I the a**hole' forum to explain the backstory, which involved his fiancées ex passing away in a traffic accident - so he was trying to respect her wishes for a tribute, but he was finding it really difficult and 'uncomfortable' to reconcile the fact she wanted to play a song in memory of her ex, during her wedding to her current partner.
He wrote: "Before we met, my fiancée Kayla was engaged to a man she had dated for three years who died in a traffic accident. I had never dated a woman who had that kind of loss before, so I've been learning as I go, but I've tried to respect that he will always be a part of her story, and I accepted her relationship with her late fiancé's parents with open arms.
"They stayed very close, and by the time we started dating they were basically like a second set of parents to her. Kayla's real parents and her late fiancé's parents are all amazing people, so I consider myself pretty lucky to have two sets of great in-laws.
"Our wedding is coming up in May, and Kayla told me that after her father-daughter dance, she would like to have a second dance with her late fiancé's father to the song Vanilla Twilight. She asked me if I was comfortable with that, and I didn't want to be 'that guy' and say no, so I said yes.
"But really, it makes me uncomfortable that she would be dancing to a love song dedicated to another man at our wedding. I am happy to make space in our lives for his memory. A photo of him is on our mantle at home, we make it a point to commemorate his birthday the anniversary of his death, and I feel like I am understanding and supportive when she has bad days. And I am 100% fine with having his parents at the wedding because, like I said, we are all a family. But I also feel like our wedding is one day that it all about our relationship.
"Am I the jerk if I ask her to reconsider this dance? What are the best compromises here?"
Some people said the man was being unreasonable, but others defended him and highlighted that the lyrics of the song are quite intimate.
One wrote: "I'm gonna differ from the popular opinion here and say you're not the a**hole. But do any of y'all actually know this song?
"It's weirdly upbeat, but the lyrics are very very intelligible and are definitely weird in the context of dancing with the dead ex's dad after her getting married to another dude. It's one thing to miss your ex, but I wouldn't want this sentiment being publicly proclaimed by my wife at my wedding if I were in the original poster's shoes."
They then proceeded to post the lyrics, some of which are: "'Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly, but I'll miss your arms around me, I'd send a postcard to you, dear, 'Cause I wish you were here."
Another defended the song, however, writing: "I can definitely see where she is coming from with the song choice because it does seem like it's about a partner who died. But it does come off very strongly."
Someone said that the wife-to-be is being incredibly unfair to her new partner, writing: "Those lyrics momentarily took my breath away with hurt for OP, someone I have never met and know very little about. This is so inappropriate and pretty much spells out a message that OP is second best, if that; according to the lyrics she still feels "so alone."
"Yes, loss of a loved one and planned life is devastating, but this is a new life that should be being celebrated, on the wedding day of all days.
"If she's too blinded to see that seven years after his passing, I wonder at her decision to get married. The original poster deserves to be the top priority in his wife's life. He certainly seems to have shown a lot of sensitivity to her in the past - this shouldn't be a one-way street.
"Perhaps some gentle pushback (such as another commenter recommending an instrumental to replace this song) would open some healthy discussion about the way forward for their married life. I fear the original poster's good nature had led to him inadvertently being taken advantage of, and that's not a constructive way to head into a new life together."
Another added: "It's not too late to tell her you've mulled it over further and have changed your mind."
Others were less certain, with one writing: "After reading the song lyrics and listening to them, I cant even make a decision I can 100% stand behind. All I know is that I'm going to hug my wife when she gets home for a while."
What would you do in this situation? Let us know in the comments.
