I have a friend who got divorced about five years ago. She has been travelling around Australia and in Europe since that time. She housesits and stays in youth hostels (she is 59 ). When she is in my area, she likes to stay at my place. She usually stays for three to five nights and I cook for her. She used to say that she is going to buy a house and wants to find the right house in the right location but she is not saying this any more.
I have been following her travels and noticed that she often stays with people, and then provides comments such as, “The best thing during this stay was the bed and the meals.”
She is planning to come to my area again in a few months’ time and I am sure she is going to ask me whether she can stay for a few days. I am not keen to provide another bed, breakfast, lunch and dinner for her and I would like to say no.
But saying no feels like I am mean to her, considering that she is basically homeless. Can you please provide me with your advice on what to do?
Eleanor says: I’m curious about the reason you’d rather not provide bed and breakfast to your friend again. I can think of a few. Maybe it’s too expensive at the moment to be putting on several big meals and playing host. Maybe it’s not a good time for you personally because something else is going on right now. Maybe she’s developing an expectation that she can stay so she no longer feels she has to ask.
Or maybe you just don’t want to? Maybe it’s just the feeling that your house is your house and you want your space to yourself.
I think what you should do here depends significantly on what your reason is. You don’t have to put your friend up if it means spending money you don’t have or compromising your own wellbeing at a fractious or important time.
But if you just don’t feel like it? I’m not sure.
It sounds as though she’s just had a divorce and she’s staying in low-budget places. You say she’d be homeless otherwise, and the thing she remarks on the most when she stays with friends is how nice it is to have a bed and the feeling of being in a home with a warm meal. I could have this situation entirely wrong, of course, but, based on those facts, this sounds like someone whose life took a sharp, unexpected turn and who is relying a lot on her friends.
It can be grating to have people to stay, especially if you suspect they’re abusing your hospitality a little. But when they’re a friend, and a friend in a rough spot, you might need a better reason than that to say no.
Maybe it’s because I’ve watched one too many people let the door close on a parent with a stroller lately, or because things feel so easily atomised and alienated. But most of us will need help at some point. It can be annoying to have to provide it: you have to punch holes in your day to give people a ride, sacrifice days of having your space to yourself, or sit through the same conversation more than once. But we will likely be on the other end of these interactions one day too. And when we are, we cross our fingers that the people we’re turning to will think about us and the fact that we need a break, as well as themselves and the taxing position of having to provide it.
If that’s all wrong, and the reason you don’t want to let her stay is more complicated, or she’s not in a bad place at all, the upshot changes. This might be an opportunity to say a no as a complete sentence, without a white lie – “I’m so sorry, now actually doesn’t work for you to stay.” You could catch up or shout her a meal out to soften that blow.
But if you can, and you think it might make your friend’s life better, it might be worth suffering the inconvenience to help her out. Often it’s just luck that means we’re the person being asked for help, not the person who could use it.
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