I am 77 years old but feel as sexual as I always have. I still work, stay fit and ensure I look stylish. I have had an active libido and enjoyed the sexual freedoms of the 70s and 80s. I met and married my husband when I was in my early 40s. Shortly after, there was a downturn in his business and he lost interest in intimacy, so sex was always a struggle as he didn’t initiate. I eventually discovered that he had an addiction to pornography from before he met me. Over the next decade we tried everything to fix our sexual relationship. Nothing changed. He swore he had stopped watching porn, but I found out he had not. By this time we had been married for 30 years. He is otherwise a kind and loving man. I love him and he loves me. Presently he is off porn but is still not sexually interested in me. We have sex every other month or so when I give up waiting. My friends are disgusted that I haven’t left him but he was just diagnosed with a health condition. I am staying with him but I don’t know why we can’t have a real, intimate relationship.
I am intrigued by the phrase you used: “When I give up waiting.” I assume you mean that most of the time you wait for your husband to initiate but that when you initiate he responds. If indeed lovemaking occurs only when you start the sexual conversation, I’m wondering why you would not initiate more often – or in fact, whenever you want sex? I know that for many women it is disappointing when a partner never initiates – they crave the validation of being desired and are uncomfortable taking charge – but there’s nothing wrong with being sexually dominant. It may be that your husband needs you to help him become aroused, especially if he suffers from certain medical conditions. Generally, as men age, they tend to require direct genital stimulation in order to become aroused, and not even his favourite porn alone would turn him on to the point of being ready for intercourse. Try not to take it personally and don’t be afraid to assert yourself to get your needs met.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
