My husband and I have been together for 24 years in a loving relationship. Our sex life has always been shaped by his premature ejaculation. We have seen a doctor and tried medication without success. We’ve always found ways to have fun in bed, and his lack of stamina has not stopped us being happy. We accepted that it’s just how he is wired. But over the years I have craved penetrative sex. Now the thoughts are invasive. When we are intimate, I find myself fantasising about it and it’s no longer my husband I think about. I’m 44 and the idea that I’ve given up on, and gone without, something so fundamental to my sexuality bothers me now. I feel guilty that I misled myself and my husband. As ridiculous as it sounds, I find myself wanting to have an affair, be fully open about it with my husband and expect him to accept it. Should I seek help or are my desires just how I am wired and something we should accept?
It’s unfortunate that you have never sought sex therapy, because there are effective treatments for early ejaculation. So many couples suffer needlessly from all kinds of sexual problems. Perhaps they are embarrassed to talk about their issues, or maybe they simply do not realise that there is help available. It would be wise to find a good sexuality professional to help you now. Your husband can be taught to identify and control his sexual responses as he approaches his orgasmic threshold, which should make penetration and coital thrusting possible. A sex therapist can also help you find positions that will support more satisfying intercourse for you both.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
