Once upon a time, weddings were a huge spectacle. If your parents were funding your nuptials, they’d invite a bunch of their friends, distant relatives, heck, even your neighbour’s dog was probably invited. The wedding was an opportunity for them to show off: “Look at my child getting married!” It was the engagement party that was the smaller, more intimate affair with close friends and family.
Now, couples are flipping the script. Rather than hosting hundreds on the wedding day itself, many are choosing to make their engagement party the bigger celebration — saving the ceremony for a tighter, more personal guest list.
The shift isn’t just about aesthetics or trends — it’s practical. With couples increasingly self-funding their weddings, every guest is costly. And with the average cost per head ranging between $170 to $220, it adds up realll fast.
A bigger engagement party offers couples the chance to celebrate with a wider group of people without the price tag of a formal ceremony, sit-down dinner and all the frills that come with a traditional wedding.
The politics of a larger engagement party and smaller wedding
A smaller wedding wasn’t originally what support worker and 2023 bride Tahlia Elrick had planned. But when her and her now-husband threw a large engagement party and noticed that there were certain people who didn’t make the effort to show up, the idea to have a much smaller wedding sparked.
“At our engagement party we noticed that some guests could only stop by briefly, which helped us decide to keep the wedding more intimate and focussed on those closest to us,” Tahlia said.
“It wasn’t the original plan, but as we started planning and thinking about what mattered most to us, it became clear. The engagement party naturally took on that bigger celebration role, which then allowed the wedding to be more personal and intentional.”
With her wedding venue’s capacity guiding the numbers, Tahlia and her partner culled their list down at least 50 people by only inviting those they shared their closest relationships with.
As a people-pleaser who has never had to deal with the politics of creating a wedding guest list, the thought of narrowing down who to invite so significantly gets my anxiety-ridden heart beating quicker. What about the risk of pissing people off?
Tahlia said that surprisingly, opting not to include certain people in the wedding didn’t feel as awkward as she originally anticipated.
“Once we were clear on our intentions, it felt aligned rather than awkward. Because we’d already celebrated with a wider group, the wedding felt like a natural next step rather than an exclusion,” she said.
“I think setting expectations early and being clear that the wedding would be smaller helped avoid any uncomfortable feelings.”
While a small number of people were disappointed that children weren’t invited to the festivities, Tahlia said once she explained to them that she “really wanted parents to be able to relax, enjoy the night and celebrate without needing to worry about childcare”, most people were more understanding.
Celebrating with intention rather than extravagance
The move toward smaller weddings isn’t about cutting corners — it’s about choosing where the meaning lies. For many couples, that means redirecting time, money and emotional energy toward moments that actually matter, rather than ticking off traditional expectations.
“I think couples are becoming more intentional with how they celebrate,” Tahlia pointed out.
“Weddings are expensive and emotionally significant, so many people are choosing to prioritise intimacy and presence on the day itself, while still finding other ways, like engagement parties, to celebrate with a wider community.”
By throwing a smaller wedding, couples can actually spend quality time with their guests rather than flitting from person to person in a frantic effort to acknowledge everyone. It’s an opportunity to remember the day, rather than race through it. When the pressure to host hundreds of people disappears, the celebration becomes less about optics and more about connection.
At the same time, larger engagement parties offer a release valve for all the social obligations that still exist. Friends, colleagues and extended family can be included in a way that feels generous but manageable without inflating the wedding into something it was never meant to be.
“We really wanted the opportunity to celebrate our engagement with a wider circle of people without the pressure, cost and logistics that come with a large wedding,” Tahlia said.
“The engagement party felt like the perfect way to include everyone while keeping the wedding itself intimate, meaningful and focused on the people closest to us.”
At the end of the day, you’re entitled to celebrate your wedding the way you envisioned. And if that means booting a few people off the list, so be it.
Image credit: @tahliaelrick
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