I, Boris Johnson, do solemnly declare that what is in my dossier – the dossier which is mine – shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. So help me God. Let’s hope there isn’t one. Or I’m a goner. Yes, I know this is a first and that I’ve told a lot of porkies in the past. But I really, really promise that what you’re getting from me this time is the truth as agreed with my advisers. Which might look like lies but are actually the highest form of truth. The truth of untruths. As two negatives equal a positive, so two lies equal the truth. Besides which, nobody thinks I’m a liar. Other than anyone who’s ever met me.
Misleading parliament. Although I accept I misled parliament, it is categorically untrue to say I misled parliament. As prime minister, I did my utmost to fulfil the solemn duty of office. Namely, to say and do anything necessary to save what passes for my reputation. And my job. So, the facts are this. I may once or twice – or again and again – have misled parliament about there being no parties or illegal gatherings in Downing St. But at no time did I ever do so deliberately.
Here’s what happened. If I have a fault, it is that I am too trusting. Some might even call me a bit dim. When I said I had no knowledge of any parties, I was merely reading out what my special advisers had written for me. I had no idea if it was true or not. So really, if there were lies in what they had written, they are the ones who were responsible. I was far too busy to have a clue what was going on or to take ownership of my words.
As prime minister, I had no idea that having a party was illegal. Even though it had been me who had brought in the Covid legislation that had banned them. It had also never occurred to me that the same rules might actually apply to me. Yours truly has always considered himself to be an exception. Nor did it occur to me that the advisers I had appointed for having a similar attitude to the truth as me might tell me to say something untrue in parliament.
At no point did we ever have a panic meeting – not even a Pannick meeting with David – in No 10, wondering how to get ourselves off the hook. Just for some reason, my advisers chose to write a script for me that contained lies. So unlike them. And it was just my bad luck that I had to read it out without checking it first. Because clearly I knew nothing about any parties. Except for the ones I went to. All of which means that though it was technically me who misled parliament, those who should be judged for deliberately misleading parliament are my special advisers who I’m now throwing to the wolves.
The parties that were not-parties. There has been a witch-hunt against me. All the parties I have been to were not-parties. They were work events. As such I believed it was completely in order for me to do what I liked. Besides which, “Party Marty” made all the arrangements. I just signed them off. Like when everyone got pissed in the Downing Street garden. Carrie and I only went downstairs to join the party to make sure that it was a not-party and therefore allowed under the rules. Having satisfied ourselves everything was within the rules and that only a few people were lying face down in the flower beds, we went back up to our flat.
Ambushed by cake. A clear attempt by Rishi Sunak to try to get me into trouble. I’m glad he also got a fixed-penalty notice as it was him who arranged for Carrie, Lulu Lytle and other hangers on to wish me happy birthday. And I absolutely never said: “This is the most unsocially distanced party in the country”, at Lee Cain’s leaving do. I know that for a fact, even if I had, no one would have been able to hear a word over the karaoke, the throwing up in bins, the shagging in cupboards and breaking Wilf’s swing. And when I said take a case to the Co-op, I was referring to Simon Case. (I wouldn’t labour this point – DP) Whoops. Mum’s the word. Time to hit the Pannick Button. Let’s not mention the Abba party. Though it was a top night!
Sue Gray. In the past, I may have referred to Sue Gray as an exemplary civil servant. Someone of impeccable, impartial judgment. Especially when she published her report that largely exonerated me of attending most of the parties I went to. It was only right and proper that she ignored much of the detail that was in the public domain and used her powers sparingly. But now it’s been brought to my attention that she is a Commie spy who started talking to Keir Starmer long after her report had been completed, then it is only right that her entire report should be discredited. She is a traitor to her country who was partially responsible for removing its world-king.
Harriet Harman. Was there ever a more biased chair of the privileges committee? Hattie dared to accuse me of lying on other matters even before the investigation had started. How very dare she! Just because one is a liar, it doesn’t follow that people should be free to say so. Especially not when that person is prime minister. As leader of the country, it is sometimes necessary to say whatever is expedient. Not least to wives, ex-wives, lovers and children. So I now demand that Harman is replaced with someone whose judgment is faultless. I suggest Nadine Dorries. Make that Lady Dorries. Nadine alone can be trusted to find me not guilty of misleading parliament.
The courts. There was a time when I encouraged the Daily Mail to regard judges as “Enemies of the People”. I now see I was a little hasty. The rigged privileges committee is not fit to judge me, having already lessened its burden of proof from “deliberately” to “recklessly” misleading parliament. Even though I’m obviously guilty of both. But now I demand a jury trial at which no one will be able be able to convict me because there’s no such offence on the statute book. Which means, I will automatically get a not guilty. Bozza gets away with it yet again! Hooray for me.
Summary. I never done anything and no one can prove I did. (Fingers crossed. It’s a bit of a long shot. But you never know. And when’s my £250,000 fee getting paid? – DP) Free the Boris One! You’ll never take me alive!
