In 1998, life was good for Ilya. She was a post-graduate student in women’s studies at York University in Toronto, and had started dating Ashley (not her real name) “the big romance” of her 20s. “I was living in a house share and having a great time,” she says.
Ashley started a band with some women on campus and it wasn’t long before Amy came into their lives. She was working as an education coordinator in an art gallery when she was introduced to Ashley by a friend. “I’d been playing drums since I was a teenager and I was keen to meet new friends,” she says. “As soon as she introduced me to the rest of the group, the band, Lazy Susan, was formed.”
After several weeks of rehearsal, they were ready for their first performance. “It was at a student house party predominantly for queer and lesbian graduate students,” says Amy. “I was terrified of going. Although I’d been out for a few years, I wasn’t comfortable flirting with people.”
After playing a few songs with the band, Amy bumped into Ilya. “I remember she had an eyebrow piercing which I thought was very edgy,” she says. “Ilya seemed really calm and warm. I felt safe talking to her.”
Callout
Ilya says they clicked immediately. “It felt like we were in this magical little bubble together. I remember it being really funny and energetic.” They began to see each other more regularly at the band’s gigs and developed a strong friendship. “We used to go to pot luck dinner parties, where everyone brings a dish,” says Amy. “I had a great apartment in downtown Toronto and would invite people over. We also went to my family’s lake house with all our friends.”
In 2001, Ilya broke up with Ashley. “When they split up, I remember thinking I really wanted to keep up our friendship,” says Amy. They continued to hang out in the same spots until 2007, when Ilya got a job as professor of gender studies at the University of British Columbia and moved to Kelowna, nearly 2,000 miles west. “While I was super excited for her, it was hard. Even now, I sometimes feel a bit sad that she’s so far away,” says Amy. Despite the distance, their friendship continued. “We have phone calls and lots of texting almost every day. I don’t feel there’s anything I couldn’t tell her.” They visit each other four times a year, and plan to celebrate their 50th birthdays together in 2025.
When Ilya had an operation in 2009, Amy travelled across the country to help her. “It’s really special to have someone do that for you, who isn’t your partner or your mother,” says Ilya. They have supported each other through relationships and breakups. Ilya is now married to a man and has a stepdaughter, Amy has two children with her ex-wife, from whom she separated in 2017. “We go up to her family’s lake cottage together with my stepdaughter and she gets on so well with Amy’s kids.”
Ilya has continued her academic career, while Amy retrained as a teacher. She recently left the profession after suffering some health issues. “I developed severe endometriosis in 2010 and when the pandemic started I ended up having a full hysterectomy,” she says. “I’ve lived in a lot of pain and it’s tanked my confidence, but Ilya has been my rock throughout. She has this really successful career, but doesn’t judge me for taking time out before I decide my next steps.”
Ilya says they have both had mental health challenges over the years, and supported each other throughout. “We both have anxiety and are able to talk about it to each other. We even exchange tips on managing it better,” she says. “Whenever I feel overwhelmed, she will share the loveliest long messages.”
Ilya loves her friend’s commitment to honesty. “It’s a hard thing to do but it’s so valuable. Amy is very emotionally intelligent, she’s like my emotional hero.”
Amy admits she often feels insecure in friendships but that is never the case with Ilya. “I am someone who really struggles to believe I can be loved, but Ilya is the one person I trust deeply and feel completely at ease with,” she says. “I think of her all the time, even when we’re not communicating, and it’s such a gift to have a friend like that.”
