From the age of 11, Rebecca had her heart set on going to Oxford University. “I’m from a working-class background and went to a state school, but when a teacher suggested I could get in, I knew it was what I wanted,” she says. In 1999, she joined Hertford College to study human sciences, a course with only two other students, including Clare.
Unlike Rebecca, Clare didn’t have a grand plan for university. “I was going to study English but it felt too indulgent. I took a year out, then applied to Hertford College because it had a reputation for welcoming state school students.” On her library induction tour during freshers’ week, she was asked to find a book relevant to her course. “Bec had got to that section first, so I immediately knew she must be one of the other people on my course,” says Clare. “I was super-excited to meet her but she scowled at me and seemed so suspicious and unfriendly.” Luckily, it only took a few days for her to warm up.
“I’d been bullied by girls at school and was mostly friends with boys,” says Rebecca, “so I was a little skeptical at first. But Clare was so clever and seemed so caring and fun, I was very quickly drawn to her.” Feeling a little intimidated by university life, Clare was grateful for Rebecca’s instant support. “She really set the tone in the group and said that we would all help each other out. I’d been used to a lot of competition in academia, so this was a really nice change. She is a real can-do person.” Although they had different friendship groups, they formed a close bond through their course. “We felt like a team because of our subject,” says Clare.
After university, Clare went to be an au pair in Berlin, while Rebecca went to the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine to study for a masters in epidemiology. “We stayed in touch through letters,” says Rebecca. “Writing and reading have always been a big part of our friendship.”
When she decided to go to Cambridge to do a PhD, Clare soon followed in her footsteps – but while further education came easily to Rebecca, Clare wasn’t sure she’d made the right choice. “I had no idea what I wanted to do instead,” she says. After a lifetime of mental health challenges, it was a particularly difficult time for her.
“Bec was pivotal to helping me through those struggles. She’s been the most stable relationship I’ve ever had and she was absolutely my rock.” When Clare left the PhD to take up a career as a gardener, Rebecca was cheering her on. “She helped me realise it was the right thing to do. We are quite different but we recognise and celebrate our differences. We never pass judgment on each other’s choices.”
Clare, who lives in Kent, has since gone on to creative pursuits, including writing and aerial hoop performing. Rebecca stayed in Cambridge to follow a career in research and is managing a quantum computing startup company.
As well as different careers, they also have different relationship styles. In her early 30s, Rebecca decided to pursue non-monogamous relationships. “I was never very good at being monogamous in my 20s, but I hated lying,” she says. “I am now polyamorous and I’m really honest about what I want.” While she’s happy with her choice, she says it “comes with its own challenges” and “Clare has always supported me with that”.
Neither has children, which they feel has given them more time to spend with each other. “I was desperate for children when I was younger but, as I got older, I realised I don’t really want to have them. Rebecca doesn’t want children either, but she always made it clear she’d do anything for me if I did.”
Clare describes her friend as a “phenomenal force of nature” with “a huge capacity for fun and silliness. She conducts everything she does with a huge amount of heart.”
Rebecca says their relationship ranks above any romantic partnership she has had. “I have shared the worst things about myself to Clare – stuff I’ve never told anyone. As well as being able to trust each other, there’s an enormous amount of joy in our friendship.”
Want to share your story? Tell us a little about yourself, your partner and how you got together by filling in the form here
