1: Always have your coffee order ready
The counter is not the place for slow menu rumination. This is London. We are busy and in a hurry. Know what you want in advance. Be specific when you order. Pay — contactlessly — and then move on. Now, stand in the holding area to the side and wait. And because this is London and not New York, we say “may I have a...” Not “I’ll take a…”.
2: No variations on ‘I’m a little bit mad, me’ are allowed
“Sorry, but I am kinda obsessive about my coffee.” Really? How terribly individual of you.
3: Your chosen mode of transport is not an excuse for being late
“Sorry…the traffic was terrible.” Yes, London traffic is always terrible. You can get across town by Uber, Tube, bus, taxi, e-scooter, Boris bike, eBike, train, DLR or on foot. Or a combination of them all. And with the help of an app or by drawing on simple, mature adult life experience, you should know how long your journey will take.
4: Don’t let an allergy become part of your personality
It is OK to quietly alert your dining host to a particular food allergy and/or discreetly detail a specific dietary requirement to a waiter. But these issues should not become a part of your personality, be worn as a badge of individuality or wrongly mistaken as a colourful conversation starter.
5: You are a dog person, even if you are not
Does London love dogs more than humans? Possibly. Even if you are not a dog person or happen to prefer cats, you must deal with the city’s canine domination with a friendly pat or a “hello there”. Expect to see dogs welcomed in restaurants, on public transport, in stores — and in your home.
6: You can shout at people who use bikes on the pavement
Boris bikes. On the road. Not on the pavement. By all means shout at the pelotons of tourists who don’t seem to understand this, and Deliveroo riders who feel that traffic — and often bike lights — are beneath them.
7: Don’t expect the under-thirties to ring the doorbell
Millennials don’t understand door bells. If you invite someone under 30 over for dinner they will indicate their arrival only by way of a text message that says “Here!” If you don’t answer this with a “buzzing you in now!” SMS within 30 seconds, they will presume you are not in… and leave.
8: Never, ever say “my mum/dad used to love you”
No one, famous or not, wants to feel… old.
9: Don’t wait to be introduced — just do it yourself
When at a London social event, a Hollywood level of confidence is now needed. Stick out your hand and introduce yourself by name. If he/she doesn’t offer up a name and responds with a flat (and, frankly, curtly rude) “hi”, then force the issue and press with “…and you are?”
10: Open a conversation with a reminder of who you are
Never presume to be remembered from a previous social encounter. Instead, issue a polite, memory jogger. “We met at Paper Dress Vintage? The Shadracks were playing… I think you were with Faris Badwan…” Still failing to engage? Dump and move on. “Waste of ammo,” as the Terminator used to say.
11: Critiquez pas!
Frank Skinner once approached Andrew Lloyd-Webber backstage at his lavish production of The Sound of Music with this ham-fisted comment. “Great show…but can I make one suggestion?” Lloyd-Webber calmly raised an open palm, closed his eyes and replied, with perfect luvvie tartness. “Please don’t.” Quite correct, too.
12: If you see a celebrity, say hello (but don’t take a photo)
Meet a celebrity in the street? Or in the tech dept at Harrods? Don’t be bashful about showing joy in the chance encounter. Recognise. Engage with a smile. Say hello. Even high-five if you must. But above all — advice from Tom Cruise himself — maintain purposeful forward motion at all times. Walk on. And leave your iPhone in your pocket.
13: If your memory fails, it’s OK to hide in the loo to Google someone
If you can’t remember someone’s name, it is noble and wholly decent to go into a quiet corner/the loo and discreetly Google them or even phone a mutual friend to acquire the necessary intel. The triumphant return to the party fray, newly buoyed up by names, family and professional details will make all concerned feel better. “Hello, Grace! So good to see you again. Of course, I remember you! You were pregnant with little Clementine last time I saw you… how’s the new job at Vice media going?”
14: No more “cool dancing” after the age of 24
Past the age of, let’s say 24, a man may only take to the dance floor to throw comedic/knowingly goofy shapes. The moonwalk, robot, body-pop, running man, can be effected with skill and pizzazz but any attempt at serious steps, or (even worse) cool moves, will look kind of pathetic. The Harry Styles, flailing arms and legs freak-out dance, is allowed… but only for a hot 30 seconds.
15: Keep your phone hidden during a meal
If a restaurant has a QR code for a menu, ask for a hard copy. If you are requested to order from your seat via an app, politely insist on IRL waiting staff to serve you instead. Do not photograph your food when it arrives.
16: If you’re over 40, don’t try to talk millennial
Oldies — that’s the over-forties, really — do not speak millennial. It sounds Partridge-y try-hard and Richard Madeley-ishly sad. Ergo, you’re a fan not a “stan”. Your friend is hunky not “hench”.
17: Generous tips for delivery drivers, please
The Amazon men, Deliveroo cyclists, Just Eat moped jockeys. These can be miserable, cold, underpaid and thankless jobs. So, respect, politeness, gratitude and generous tips at the door.
18: Stick to one form of communication
Stay faithful to your communication platform of choice. There is nothing worse than a friend or colleague who fluctuates randomly between, say, SMS, WhatsApp, email, Instagram Direct Messenger, Facebook and Google chat, apparently on a whim or mission to confuse, obfuscate or avoid. “Oh, didn’t you see my last message? Telling you that I had to cancel at the last minute? I sent it via Discord voice chat from my Playstation console.”
19: Don’t let your Brompton bike take up valuable foot space on the train
Your Brompton is compact and ingenious and but it is still an intrusive space invader and a ubiquitous middle-class entitlement. Fold it up. Put it away somewhere other than next to your desk, or in the gangway of a commuter train.
20: Don’t make a scene about TV “spoilers”
Guess what? The big ship sinks and he drowns. “Spoilers” are not a life and death thing. Given the sheer volume of trailers, reviews, recaps and tik-tok clips that will give away a plot twist or an ending, clamping hands over ears and running away in mock purgatory when someone is discussing a new movie or television show, is babyish and not intelligent.
21: Do deploy the “100-yard rule” after seeing a play
Really, do be careful what you say outside the theatre. “The theatre world is intimate,” advises pianist and playwright Joe Stilgoe. “You never know who might be listening — actors, directors, parents of casts members, all spill out of the show at the same time so, chances are, your loud and cruel take down of the lead will be heard. Quite possibly by the lead himself.”
22: It should go without saying: Never, ever stand on the left
When riding the Tube escalator, stand on the right and let people who are energetic enough to actually climb or descend at speed, pass by freely. And why not be that person? An escalator, as Jerry Seinfeld once correctly pointed out, is not a theme park ride. You don’t just stand there and wait to be entertained.
23: Carry pound coins and fivers for the homeless
The cashless culture is a nightmare for anyone without a bed for the night or needing something to eat. Pull a nugget or two from your pocket and deliver with a smile.
24: Eyes off the screen when you are crossing the road, please
There is nothing more scary for a driver or cyclist than a pedestrian who is scrolling while jaywalking the Soho traffic.
25: No, you did not “curate” your collection of trainers
Curators can be found at the National, Tate and the Saatchi gallery. You bought your shoes at JD Sports in Oxford Street.
26: A first date should be a coffee or a walk in the park
In times of trepidation and financial ruin, the pre-date “vibe check” is now an acceptable, precautionary first move — anything that is brief and breezily inexpensive. Like what you see? Book a table at Brutto for your second date.
27: Buying rounds is so passé
With pints of beer in London pubs now costing up to eight quid, and night club cocktails in the £20-plus bracket, going Dutch is no longer for skinflints.
28: Tell stories instead of sharing TikToks
A good anecdote does not involve you scrolling for a hilarious image or a controversial tweet. Sarcasm used to be the lowest form of wit. Now its digitalism.
29: If you must cancel at the last-minute, be classy about it
A call to the restaurant, a message via the website and a series of apologetic texts to one’s fellow diners. But if they have taken card details, as the canceller, you are obliged to pay up in full. If it’s just you cancelling at the eleventh hour, stand a round of drinks for the guests who showed up.
30: There’s no excuse for cultural ignorance
“How would I know anything about Elvis/Supergrass/Acid House … I wasn’t even born then.” No kid, I wasn’t born when Mozart or Picasso or Hitler were around either but I still know who they were. Youngsters; be clever and curious and informed…and if in doubt, Google.
