The thing about going vegan is that it’s really not a big deal. I don’t care if you eat meat around me, and I certainly don’t want to talk about it 24/7. But for some reason, it’s a HUGE deal to my family. When I first went veggie, my mum kept telling me, “Oh, but you’re not really vegetarian,” and then proceeded to try and feed me copious amounts of meat.
I did make the mistake of becoming vegan right before Christmas in 2019, which took everybody a bit by surprise. The day was filled with top-notch barbs such as, “oh, what are you going to eat? Lettuce?” and “all Rachel can eat is rabbit food!!!”. My family should become stand-up comedians, honestly.
So now, as vegans all around the world steel themselves for a holiday season filled with dramatic family members and arguments that possibly get a lil’ violent, here are my top tips for how to make it out in one piece.
Pre-game before you get there
Honestly, alcohol will help smooth your brain when your aunty is going on about how you being vegan made you get COVID or some other shit. Instead of listening to your problematic family member droning on about something that literally does not affect them in any way, shape or form, you can be slightly buzzed and in your own world.
Start spilling family secrets
If you start feeling like there’s too much attention on you, it’s time to turn the tables, bitches! Start throwing out all the deep, dark family secrets that you’ve kept as ammunition for moments just like this. Your dad has a secret second family? Sister having an illicit affair? Boom! Being vegan doesn’t seem so bad now, does it?
Avoid, avoid, avoid!
If you have a big family, try and hide away in the shadows. If you’re not so lucky, seek out those who you’ve deemed ~cool~ in advance, and try to be stuck in convo with them for the event. That way you won’t get any snarky comments about if the beer you’re drinking is vegan or hear a rant from someone being WAY too obsessed with you and your life. (It’s hard when you’re this fabulous, I guess.)
Pack emergency snacks
If there’s nothing to eat at the table, you might need a secret stash of treats to stop you from getting hangry. While you’re at it, pack some emergency booze as well. Those lil’ travel-sized bottles will slip right in your pocket, or carry a festive flask.
For all those preparing themselves for going to war a family Christmas celebration, my thoughts and prayers are with you. If shit hits the fan, there’s only one thing to do: run.
Lead image: Fox
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