I’m not sure how desperate a day with the kids would need to get to make this animated adventure from Russia an appealing option. It’s possible that standing in a 76-minute downpour would be more fun (and cheaper). Or being locked in a broom cupboard with a toddler tantrumming about the wrong colour icing on a cupcake. This is a family movie that is spectacularly boring, animated on the cheap, and dubbed into English by bored-sounding actors.
The story revolves around Drybone, a man who long ago became immortal. He’s meant to be a fiend but speaks like an apathetic IT helpdesk engineer at five-minutes-to-clock-off. For centuries, Drybone has been searching for a bride, assisted by his two bat sidekicks, Bram and Stoker. (Minor irritation: the film looks like it’s set in the middle ages; Bram Stoker died in 1912.) Anyway, in a nearby town a plucky maiden called Barbara the Brave is a champion jouster who beats all the fellas that challenge her – but in principle she’s up for marrying the man who can beat her.
One man who has his sights on Barbara is nincompoop King Lentil. After failing to win her hand fair and square, he blackmails Drybone into kidnapping her. Naturally, the effect on her of being abducted by Drybone is that she falls in love with him. Now Barbara is supposed to be a feminist role model but there’s a lot to object to, in addition to Stockholm syndrome – such as the scene in which Drybone saves her from falling off a log and she actually swoons. I suspect that quality control on a streaming channel would keep this off our tellies. Never mind immortal; it’s entirely soulless.
• How to Save the Immortal is released on 27 October in UK cinemas.
