“Many workplace issues that become unpleasant legal matters can be traced to questions that were not asked and complaints voiced by employees that were not explored,” says Marinor Ifurung, HR consultant with the Southern California-based law firm Klein DeNatale Goldner. “Out of fear or not knowing how to approach the problem, so often those of us in the HR world see the consequences of management walking on eggshells (because they) lack curiosity about what went wrong. It would be nice is there was a by-the-numbers guide to help restore healthier communication on the job.”
Author Jeff Wetzler agrees: “Marinor is right. Too often, we don’t find out what’s truly on others’ hearts and minds because we don’t know how to ask the right questions in the right ways. And that was my motivation for writing Ask, developing The Ask Approach.”
This communications guidebook is so needed at this time in our history, and author Wetzler is a recognized expert in adult learning and leadership development.
Wetzler divided Ask into three sections:
- What people don’t tell you, why and the consequences
- What do we do about it?
- How to tap into what people are thinking and feeling and not telling you
When we talked, Wetzler listed the top ways that open, honest dialogue can become frustrated:
We don't find out what the people around us are really struggling with, what they're up against, what's hard for them and what's challenging.
The reason is they don’t feel safe telling the truth. “They’re worried that by revealing their struggles they would be thought of as incompetent, blamed and possibly fired,” Wetzler points out. “However, when management creates an environment of psychological safety, the entire organization benefits from necessary feedback — hearing the good and bad news.”
Actual opinions are not revealed, especially if they’re controversial and the person believes their opinion is unpopular.
Employees hold back what they really think. For example, a teammate may bite their tongue about a problem they see with a project because they worry what they have to say will upset others or make their jobs more challenging before a tight deadline. How many costly business decisions have been reached because no one voiced their legitimate reservations? If something is wrong in a process or on a project, it’s better to flag that issue as soon as possible so it can be fixed rather than letting the problem snowball.
When we come across as demeaning, we will not be given feedback.
If you disparage family, friends and co-workers to others often enough, no one will feel comfortable telling you about that spinach stuck in your teeth even though you can do something about it. Don’t be a jerk.
People will not tell us their best ideas for positive change in an atmosphere that discourages new ideas. The costs are often significant.
Think of the gold mine of insight — a wealth of collective intelligence — that is often suppressed, leading to poor decisions or failing to see the fatal flaw in plans because no one spoke up. “When someone is not telling us something because they don't think we're interested,” Wetzler says, “we don't grow and learn, don't raise our own game, as their ideas and feedback remain locked away.”
Bosses should open up first
So, how do we get people to open up and not fear embarrassment or worse? Wetzler outlines this approach: “Psychological safety is the first step in getting people to open up. We do this by opening up first, explaining, ‘I am really struggling with this, and perhaps you know something that can help me understand the problem better.’” That way, you are asking for the other person’s help. “It is important to let them know that you can handle tough feedback,” Wettzler adds. “This shows your resilience and opens the door for them to tell you what you need to hear.”
In four steps, The Ask Approach basically taps into what other people are thinking and feeling and not telling you:
1. Choose curiosity. Ask yourself, “What can I learn from this person?” There is always something more we can learn.
2. Pose quality, open-ended questions that help us learn something important:
- What's going on here from your perspective?
- Do you know what happened?
- What might I have been missing?
3. Listen to learn. We need to listen not just for the words, but also for the emotion that's going on in the conversation and the actions that people are taking. Are they pushing back? Are they agreeing? Are they asking for you to tell them more?
4. Paraphrase and provide feedback. Ask, “Did I understand that correctly? If not, please correct me.”
This could be the best management book you’ll ever read
In my law practice, I’ve seen so many legal disputes that are the fruit of people simply not knowing how to talk with each other, assuming facts that, as we say in court, “are not supported by the evidence.” In Ask, Wetzler takes us by the hand, and we walk down a path that brings us together. It is an important read for those of us who are frustrated with all the yelling and not enough listening.
Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield, Calif., and welcomes comments and questions from readers, which may be faxed to (661) 323-7993, or e-mailed to Lagombeaver1@gmail.com. And be sure to visit dennisbeaver.com.
