Dating in later life can be daunting, but it’s also full of positives and potential excitement. “We are usually better positioned when we’re older to have a clearer idea of where we are in life, what it is we would ideally like and what we’ve got to give as well,” says Jo Hemmings, a psychologist and relationship coach. You may have more free time, perhaps more money; you’re not constrained by pressure to start a family. Whether you are looking for abundant casual sex, or marriage number whatever, here experts offer advice on getting back out there.
Are you ready?
If you are new to dating in later life, you are probably finding yourself in this situation as a result of something painful: divorce or bereavement. However a long relationship ends, there will be a feeling of grief. “Society doesn’t like grief,” says Andrew G Marshall, a marital therapist and the host of The Meaningful Life podcast. “We want to make it better straight away and we try to parcel everybody up into a couple again. The problem is, if you date too soon, you bring all the old relationship issues into the new one, or you bring the ghost of the old relationship. It could be that there is quite a bit of recuperation or learning to do.” Therapy may help, but Marshall says it could just be a case of checking “inside yourself to see if you are ready.”
Think about what you actually want from a relationship
Perhaps it’s not a new relationship you are after. “It could be that now is the time to climb Mount Kilimanjaro or to learn to play the banjo or whatever it is that is going to bring new energy into your life, rather than necessarily a new person,” says Marshall. You may find you meet someone as a result of this new pursuit anyway. Perhaps you actually want a new friendship circle and revived social life, rather than a romantic partner.
“It’s about finding out what is right for you,” says Cate Campbell, a relationship and psychosexual therapist. “Some people have found an enormous amount of freedom in being single and getting into a relationship can take that away. What you want may also change over time.”
Let go of guilt
It is understandable to feel guilty about getting into a new relationship after a bereavement. It’s a big generalisation, says Campbell, “but men often want to be in another good relationship quickly, while women can feel guilty about moving on. Children, family and friends can be quite judgmental as well.” Again, it comes back to: are you ready?
You don’t need to follow the script
Sometimes, says Campbell, older clients “want to follow old-fashioned relationship trajectories. One thing that puts people off dating is the thought that they have got to move somebody in, or move the relationship along in the way that they would have when they were younger. You don’t have to do that any more.” Marriage or living together doesn’t have to be the end-goal of a new relationship. “I think it doesn’t even occur to some people that they have choices. Once they realise they are in charge of their future, they are liberated.”
Join an app
Apps have radically changed the dating landscape, but if you’re new to it, Hemmings is reassuring. “Technologically, dating has changed, but the essence hasn’t. You want to meet someone with whom you connect, who you find attractive, has a great sense of humour, shares your interests, is funny, kind …” Apps, she says, are “an opportunity, not something to fear”. There is a broad range, from the traditional Match and Hinge (aimed at people looking for relationships) to Tinder and Grindr (more casual) to Bumble (where women make the first move in heterosexual pairings). There are also age-specific apps, such as OurTime which is run by Match, aimed at the over-50s.
Enlist a friend
Writing a dating profile is cringe-inducing, particularly the first few times you do it. Hemmings suggests getting a friend to describe you. “It’s very easy to become self-deprecating as we get older and undersell ourselves. And get a friend to take photos of you: your profile picture should be a nice one, smiling, where you look good, relaxed. Your other pictures could be holidays or things you might be doing with other people.”
Broaden your horizons
“Be realistic about what you want. Educational standards, political views; these are things that are pretty much settled by the time you’re 60-plus,” says Campbell. It’s normal and desirable to have some non-negotiables, but try to be open-minded. Maybe you have such a narrow list of requirements “that nobody matches with you because you’ve been too specific. Don’t be overly judgmental.”
Talk first
Relatively swift but not overly hasty is the rule when it comes to making a date – especially when you have connected via a website or app. With endless messages, says Hemmings, “there is the danger of becoming pen pals”. After a few messages, it’s a good idea to speak on the phone or do a video call. “You can infer a lot from somebody’s voice – the tone, their humour, their character.”
Be clear on your boundaries
“Dating makes you aware of all sorts of boundaries,” says Marshall. “Will you accept this behaviour or not? Are you happy to go out and have coffee with somebody who is going to be meeting another person for coffee an hour later?” Don’t feel as if you have to do something just because someone asks you, adds Campbell. Meeting for coffee or a short daytime date is better than dinner, says Hemmings, and have somewhere you need to be afterwards. “It adds to a sense of security, and takes away some of that fear – you know you have some boundaries in place before you go and that helps people relax.”
Are you exclusive?
Dating apps have normalised the idea of seeing multiple people casually. It is perfectly possible that the person you are seeing regularly is also seeing other people, says Marshall, “without feeling that they’re doing anything unusual”. Ask yourself if you are comfortable with this idea and be prepared to have a conversation about agreeing not to see other people (which may not go the way you want it to). Likewise, it’s also fine to meet lots of people. “You should be honest, but treat them with respect,” says Hemmings. If you want to end the date, or decide against meeting up in the first place, “be kind, but firm”. If you are keen, be clear, advises Campbell. “It’s no good trying to be coy because online, people will move on to someone else if you look as if you’re not interested.”
Be open to meeting someone in real life
You don’t need to go near an app – the idea of meeting someone serendipitously isn’t entirely extinct. Advice about starting a new hobby still stands. “When you are doing something you love, you’re more likely to be present and able to make an authentic connection with somebody,” says Vicki Pavitt, a dating and relationship coach. Also, she adds, if you are a heterosexual woman and you’re afraid to make the first move, ask yourself why. “We’re now dropping those gendered scripts and embracing more of an equal approach.”
Practice being approachable
Smile, says Pavitt. “Have an openness in your body language, like smiling and making eye contact.” It can help to have some ice-breaker comments or questions in mind “if it’s not a natural thing for you”. Paying a genuine compliment is a good way to get a conversation started (but don’t be creepy: “look for reciprocity in how someone responds, and signs that someone is open to being approached, like a returned smile”). Open-ended questions can help to encourage a meaningful response and you can improve social skills with practise. “When you’re getting a coffee, chat to people. If that is too much of a leap, just practice making eye contact. That can really help to flex that muscle of connection. Also let it be imperfect – don’t put pressure on yourself to suddenly be this great conversationalist.” Most importantly, practise listening.
Listen to your children – but up to a point
Teenage or even grownup children may be hostile to the idea of you dating. There can be legitimate, if slightly unsavoury, worries about inheritances, but often the bigger barriers are emotional, particularly, says Campbell, if they have already lost one parent “through death, or if they’ve moved away, or gone off with a new partner. They may fear losing the remaining parent. Sometimes children are unreasonable, but sometimes they are just frightened and they love you and want to be close to you. So listen to what they are saying, even if at the end of that you say: ‘Actually, this is making me happy.’”
Create a fulfilling sex life
There can be many anxieties associated with a new sexual relationship, from body-image insecurities to concerns about sexual dysfunction, such as erectile problems or vaginal dryness and pain. Psychosexual and relationship therapist Lottie Passell-Syms sees it all. “One thing I ask [clients] to do is to stop criticising themselves,” she says. If there is a loss of self-esteem and confidence, “where has that message come from? It might be from your family, where you were not ‘good enough’. Can you accept yourself enough to be able to give yourself to somebody else?”
For physiological concerns, she suggests people see their GP, but adds many issues of sexual dysfunction can be psychological. “It could be shame, guilt, trauma or a specific incident.” As we get older, there may have to be adjustments, such as using different positions, and don’t expect what worked in a previous relationship to be the same in a new one. “Communication is the key to all of this,” says Passell-Syms. “Just because you like something or want something, it doesn’t mean you can have it; you have got to have a conversation with the other person. We still need to put boundaries in place and say: ‘I’m not ready for this part of it.’” And if you are having sex, use condoms – rates of sexually transmitted infections among the over-65s are on the rise.
Work on your confidence
Separation, bereavement, long periods of being unhappily alone and hormonal changes can all sap confidence and, for some people, insecurities can grow with age. “If you don’t have confidence, you need to ask yourself why,” says Marshall. “If it’s because you have always got by on your looks and now you’re worried about the loss of that, then it is possibly time to find out what else you have to offer.” Counselling might be useful, and being in a good place, mentally, will improve the chances of successful dating. “Understand yourself better, so you can be more yourself rather than some jolly person that you send out with a mask on.”
