The spark: it’s so important to romance that it’s mentioned nearly every week in the Guardian’s Blind Date column, and yet it can be so elusive. There are two kinds of spark, says relationship psychologist Susan Quilliam: “One which is about excitement, and one which is about contentment.” At the start of a relationship, excitement often means “a sexual or emotional attraction, or a surge of optimism and hope”. Still, that doesn’t mean you can’t experience it after decades together. You might, for example, feel this spark as a swell of pleasure when you catch your partner’s eye across a crowded room and smile. As for the spark of contentment, “that can only come from experience and trust, and takes time to build,” Quilliam says.
Charlotte Fox Weber, a psychotherapist and author of What We Want, describes it as “the sense of connection and resonance between two people”. She argues that long-term contentment is not necessarily the enemy of a spark; it can actually heighten it: “Over time, the threads of connection feel deeply personal, where contentment and energy coexist. It’s about feeling vibrant and recognised in each other’s presence.”
