The spark: it’s so important to romance that it’s mentioned nearly every week in the Guardian’s Blind Date column, and yet it can be so elusive. There are two kinds of spark, says relationship psychologist Susan Quilliam: “One which is about excitement, and one which is about contentment.” At the start of a relationship, excitement often means “a sexual or emotional attraction, or a surge of optimism and hope”. Still, that doesn’t mean you can’t experience it after decades together. You might, for example, feel this spark as a swell of pleasure when you catch your partner’s eye across a crowded room and smile. As for the spark of contentment, “that can only come from experience and trust, and takes time to build,” Quilliam says.
Charlotte Fox Weber, a psychotherapist and author of What We Want, describes it as “the sense of connection and resonance between two people”. She argues that long-term contentment is not necessarily the enemy of a spark; it can actually heighten it: “Over time, the threads of connection feel deeply personal, where contentment and energy coexist. It’s about feeling vibrant and recognised in each other’s presence.”
Here, experts share their tips for securing and keeping the spark, from the early days of a relationship through to your 50th anniversary.
The first few months
“On a first date it can be difficult to feel a spark,” Quilliam says. “You might feel anxious or have had a couple of previous disappointments.” This is why Paul C Brunson, author of Find Love and host of the We Need to Talk podcast, thinks people should reflect more on whether a lack of spark on a first date is the deal-breaker many of us make it out to be, because even if you do experience an instant flush of romance, he says “it could be fleeting and not a reliable indicator of long-term compatibility”.
In the first months we can also mistake inconsistency or anxiety for desire: “If you have a tendency under stress to cling on and want connection, and your partner has a tendency to withdraw, that can intensify what you think is desire and attraction, but actually isn’t,” says Quilliam.
How do you grow a real spark at this stage? Pay close attention to how the other person makes you feel, says Quilliam. “If you only focus on whether someone ticks your boxes, you’re looking for something you can measure. And the spark is not going to come from that – it’s going to come from what you create together in your dynamic and how you notice and appreciate each other.”
Instead of questioning whether you’re attracted to the person in front of you, Quilliam suggests asking yourself “Am I feeling comfortable and relaxed? What’s my experience here? And what might it be like in the future?” Allow a spark of excitement to come from that possibility.
If the early rush of romantic feeling does build into a connection, the first months of a relationship are an opportunity to establish habits that sustain a spark. Try making a playlist linked to meaningful experiences that becomes part of your relationship story, says professor of sociology and intimacy Jacqui Gabb. This could become a “relationship anchor” that later reminds you of the qualities that first drew to your partner. “The spark is something that bonds the relationship too,” Gabb says.
Moving in together
To Joanna Harrison, a couples therapist and author of Five Arguments All Couples (Need To) Have, a spark represents “mutual interest or curiosity in each other, and mutual interest in the relationship”. Sometimes moving in together can challenge that process. “Firstly, you’re sharing new dimensions of each other’s habits, behaviours and bodies. There’s also fresh potential for resentments to get in the way of fancying each other.”
Harrison thinks couples have a choice: they deal with the inevitable conflicts that arise from sharing a living space or avoid them until they build up and corrode a connection. The good news? She believes honest conversations about domestic clashes build intimacy and free-up space in your mind for desire, rather than slipping into a parent-child dynamic where one person takes on more chores while the other expects their partner to shoulder responsibility.
Make sure you don’t use your domestic to-do list to avoid intimacy, though. Harrison says: “It’s much easier to talk about things in the concrete space you share (such as ‘what are we going to have for dinner?’) than to discuss the emotional space you share (‘what are you really angry about?’).”
Living together can make the spark of excitement harder to access, because its original source is often mystery. But Harrison says this is a stage where the spark of contentment can grow: “You might feel a glow from the satisfaction of having been through both good and difficult stuff together, which leaves you feeling bonded through that shared experience.”
To protect it, set aside time for intimate conversation, she says. She suggests eating dinner across the table from each other, where you hold eye contact, instead of side-by-side on the sofa. Or physically getting out of the house together, where you won’t be distracted by domestic responsibilities.
The first decade
Despite the joys that come with time – a shared history, private jokes, the pleasure of knowing someone and feeling deeply known – familiarity can chip away at romance too. Keeping the spark alive at this stage hinges on two habits: creating time together and communicating well, which can slip down the priority list as we become distracted. Susanna Abse, a psychotherapist and author of Tell Me the Truth About Love, warns this can happen “if neither partner is suggesting anything that feels like a treat and a break from ordinary life”. You need to plan ways to do that together, whether it’s a weekend away or just meeting at the station after work instead of at home. “These little adventures mean in that moment you are putting your partner front and centre.”
“One common thing I hear is that people don’t feel sexual because they don’t feel connected,” Abse says. “While some couples connect via a sexual relationship, many people connect and then feel sexual.” Deep listening is one route back to attraction, because it can help you to see your partner in a fresh light. “When your partner tells you something new that you weren’t aware they knew, that’s exciting,” Abse says. Plus, “there’s nothing more compelling than having somebody turn their attention towards you and look at you with real interest. It’s a sexy thing.”
On the flipside, rejection can damage a spark in subtle ways, Abse says: “If you suggest watching a film and your partner says no, and never offers anything in return, you can retreat and withdraw.” Unless these misunderstandings are repaired they can have a deep impact, particularly if one partner has a history of being rejected either during childhood or in a relationship.
One way to redirect attention back to each other, Fox Weber says, is to focus on noticing small, positive things about your partner. Maybe the fact they told an interesting story, made a thoughtful observation, or even just cleaned the kitchen. “Try writing down three things you’ve noticed and appreciate about each other – from the past or the here-and-now – and share them,” she says.
Don’t underestimate the importance of politeness either, Fox Weber says, even if that’s just in how you greet each other: “It’s incredible how rude couples can be to each other, in a way they wouldn’t to strangers or colleagues. This lack of respect masquerades as closeness and becomes an intimacy killer.”
If you have children …
“The greatest threat to sexual satisfaction over the course of a relationship is when a couple have a child under five,” says Dr Karen Gurney, author of How Not to Let Having Kids Ruin Your Sex Life. For this reason, many couples may experience a loss of spark at this stage, particularly if they were used to connecting physically on a regular basis before.
“As parents it’s easy to feel like ships in the night and only have conversations centred around practical things, such as whether you’ve bought enough nappies or your children’s mealtimes,” says Gurney. She recommends that parents should get into the habit of having five or 10 minutes a day to talk about things that have been tough or joyful. “It can be as simple as asking, ‘What went well today?’ or ‘What did you struggle with today? What are your best hopes for tomorrow?’ and then really listening to the reply without interjection or talking about yourself.”
While physical connection is only one way of expressing a spark, for new parents it can be an important one, because it’s something they can share that is separate from their role as parents. For those who are ready to begin to build a spark through sexual attraction again, Gurney thinks the thing to work on is “sexual currency” – that is: “All the things you do with a sexual partner that aren’t acts of sex: flirting, sex texts, innuendo, passionate kissing, touching each other’s bodies in a sensual way and expressing attraction.”
Playfulness can be another path back to romance at this stage, says Gurney. You don’t need a babysitter; you could draw each other or learn a dance routine. She adds: “Having fun together and seeing each other do something you’ve never done before allows you to see each other in a new light, a little like at the start of a relationship when you’re still learning things about each other.”
The 50th anniversary
“If being sexually active is still a priority, that’s great,” says Gabb. “Equally, you can be sensually intimate and close, even if that doesn’t result in sex.” She has found some couples have sex less often after 50 years together, but the sex can be better “because they really know one another and what they each like, and they can talk more candidly about sex.” What’s helpful, Gabb says, is to engage with any changes in your body, whether you might need to use lube or take HRT or make other adjustments.
There will still be new threats to romance: illness, grief, retirement or menopause. Amid changes like these, keep seeking shared opportunities for playfulness, whether it’s a six-month road trip, getting an allotment, or the daily Wordle you do together. Abse says: “You have to find things in your life that continue to stimulate you and make you feel like you’re in a partnership that contains exploration and creativity.”
For Fox Weber, humour remains crucial. Again, it’s the intentionality that matters: “The fact that you know the other person is bothering to even try to make you laugh”. This can be more intimate after decades together, “because there is no one else in the world who would make you laugh in that particular way”.
Finally, Quilliam says, it’s important to recognise the passage of time: “Sometimes a spark fades because you’re still relating to the twentysomething you married, when actually your partner has changed dramatically over the last 25 years.” To become more interested in one another again, ask deeper questions for 10 minutes a day; hold hands and hold eye contact; and be curious about each other’s present desires, regrets and hopes.
“If you’re motivated to keep doing that,” Quilliam adds, “I don’t see any reason why you can’t get the spark back again and again and again.”
