Now that we’re adults, my family divvies up the Christmas tasks. Inevitably, the cheese falls on me. I say inevitably; I bagsie it instantly. I love cheese. All cheese. From Cheestrings to aged Comté from cows fed a better diet than humans. I’ve judged at three World Cheese Awards, where thousands of the finest fromages compete to be named the best. It’s as glitzy as the Oscars but, like comparing a romcom with a thriller, ultimately a bit meaningless. How to compare Cheddar and Gorgonzola Anyway, there’s pressure at Christmas. I play it safe with good Stilton and artisan Cheddar, but always throw a curve ball. Last year that was red Leicester. ‘Isn’t red Leicester crap?’ someone asked. ‘No, it’s a good one,’ I promised.
Conventional cheeseboard wisdom in this country, particularly at Christmas, calls for Stilton, Cheddar and something soft, a Brie or Camembert. I have no qualms with this. They’re all great cheeses. Add a goat’s and something stinky and you’ve got yourself a party. But spicing things up can turn a dull cheeseboard into something fun, so here are my tips on doing so.
Consider the seasons
Seasonality is a topic that’ll bore most people to death, but you don’t need to bang on about it. Seasonality in cheese, I hear you ask? Take Christmas. One theory as to why Stilton is popular is not because it goes well with Port (a Tokaji is actually nicer), but because the cow’s best, creamiest milk arrives in late summer. A three-month maturation means it’s in prime condition for Christmas. The same goes for Vacherin, so pop that on your Yuletide board. Goats and sheep produce the best milk in spring, so go for fresh goat’s cheeses in early summer.
Try: Colston Bassett Stilton, Vacherin Mont d’Or or Sinodun Hil
Bin conventionality
There’s nothing wrong with a traditional board, but why not jazz it up? A single wheel of something delicious, say. If you like Cheddar, get several different Cheddars. You’ll be surprised by how different they are. Cheese expert Emma Young, author of The Cheese Wheel, is a big proponent of this method, even producing boards of five soft cheeses.
Try: Montgomery’s Cheddar, Pitchfork Cheddar and Westcombe Cheddar
Try not to be snobby
Cheesemongers are up there with my favourite shops, but supermarkets are increasingly well stocked with good cheese, and not just the posh ones. Asda has fantastic artisan cheddars like Keen’s, while Aldi always impresses. Bries and Camemberts can be superb — go for premium. Anything with a protected status, a DOP or AOP, will usually be well made, so you’re safe with Gruyère, Comté, Ossau-Iraty and, yes, Stilton.
Try: Sainsbury’s Taste the Difference gruyère, Lidl Deluxe comté or M&S ossau-iraty
Don’t be a nationalist
I love British cheese as much as Liz Truss does and yes, the UK makes some of the best cheese, but peppering your board with a few imports is always a good idea. A good Gouda, sharp, tangy Roquefort or strong Pecorino is always welcome.
Try: Coolea (a fab Irish Gouda), La Fromagerie’s Roquefort Papillon or Pecorino Sardo
Join the territorial army
Having said that, British territorials — cheeses named after the regions in which they’re historically made — are some of the most underrated. Crumbly and acidic, they often confound foreigners but are seriously tasty, especially artisan ones. A board of tangy Kirkham’s Lancashire, crumbly Wensleydale (not the cranberry one, please), clothbound Cheshire, red Leicester, Caerphilly and, yes, Cheddar, will be a talking point.
Try: Kirkham’s Lancashire, Old Roan Wensleydale, Quicke’s clothbound Devonshire red or Gorwydd Caerphilly
Don’t be a cheese bore
There are many types of food bore. Worst is the craft beer bore, banging on about hops till you drop. I love natural wine as much as the next Claptonite, but don’t want a speech every time I sip. Spare me vegetarians and, worse, anti-vegetarians. If serving a cheeseboard, remember you’re not defending a doctorate.
Get funky with accompaniments
Crackers, grapes, chutney. All good, but no one will remember it. Keep things simple (cheese is the star) but don’t be bound by convention. There’s a reason St John’s eccles cake and Lancashire cheese dessert is a great combination. Dried fruit and salty cheese? Winner. At Christmas that means mince pies with Stilton or Cheddar. You can cut off the top, pop in some cheese, replace the top and bake. Christmas pudding also works. I love goat’s cheese, Brie or Camembert with cornichons.
Try: Dorstone, Tunworth or Baron Bigod
The same goes for drinks
In my humble opinion red wine, particularly Port, isn’t actually that nice with most cheese. Shoot me. Cider and Cheddar is great. Pale ale with blue cheeses. Lactic goat’s cheeses and a white wine like Sancerre. Play around.
Try: Quicke’s cheddar with a West Country cider, Brightwell Ash with Sancerre, or Stichelton with an IPA
Don’t get Edam
It’s the most boring. I don’t make the rules.
