On the day I received an offer from my first-choice university, I expected to feel elation and excitement. I had spent years preparing for this moment, and yet when it came, I felt only dread at the thought of freshers’ week and all the social challenges this would inevitably involve.
I had always been something of a shrinking violet and the fact that I now had a close group of friends at school did not helped to assuagemy social anxiety. I assumed this was a stroke of extreme good luck – a one-off. The potential for rejection seemed immense, and I feared I would spend the next few years in loneliness.
I was wrong: I soon made new friends. Yet my shyness lingered as I embarked on my career in journalism – a bizarre choice, I admit, for someone who felt nervous meeting strangers and loathed the idea of networking. I found ways to deal with those challenges, but it was only within the past few years that I began to truly relish the chance to meet new people.
If only I had known then what I know now, my path might have been so much easier. As a science writer, I’ve witnessed a wealth of new research that has identified the psychological barriers that prevent us from building better relationships. Fortunately, my deep dive into the academic literature has also identified practical ways to build social confidence.
Consider a phenomenon known as the liking gap, which describes our tendency to underestimate how much others have enjoyed our company and wish to build a stronger connection with us.
In a series of experiments, psychologists asked two strangers to meet and chat and then questioned each party about their expectations and perceptions of the conversation. Before speaking, both assumed that the exchange would feel uncomfortable – yet they ended up enjoying it far more than they had believed they would. Over countless trials in all kinds of contexts, most people found it far easier to talk to strangers than they had initially feared.
If only that pleasure was combined with self-confidence. After a conversation, most people assume they liked the other person more than the other person liked them. Or framed another way: neither party realise quite how appealing they have been and they don’t have faith the other person would be interested in building on that rapport with a future friendship.
The liking gap can linger for months. One study asked university roommates to report on their perceptions of each other during their first year of living together. On average, it took each student about nine months for them to overcome their self-doubt and correctly appreciate how much the other person liked them.
When I first learned about this research, I couldn’t help but cringe at all the times I had been afflicted by the liking gap. After meeting charming, funny and kind people, whom I wanted to get to know better, I would doubt that this was reciprocated. As a result, I would avoid any further contact for fear that I might seem embarrassingly needy. I would even turn down party invitations from people who I genuinely appreciated and admired, on the assumption they had only asked me out of politeness.
Digging into the scientific literature, I soon found examples of many other misplaced fears that stand in the way of deeper and more meaningful relationships. Many of us are too shy about giving compliments or expressing our gratitude for other’s actions, for instance. We assume that they already know how great they are and we doubt our abilities to express those compliments elegantly. We imagine our gestures will seem ham-fisted and gauche.
Those worries are largely unjustified. Most people are perfectly capable of distinguishing genuine praise from flattery and we consistently underestimate how much joy our words will bring. Provided that we display sensitivity and common sense, then our genuine appreciation will be welcomed for what it is – a small act of kindness.
Expressing appreciation of others not only brings joy to the person receiving the praise but also to the person saying it; most people feel much better for having spoken their warm feelings. Unfortunately, our natural reserve means that most of us miss out on these opportunities to cement our bonds.
We have similarly misplaced intuitions about self-disclosure – we tend to hold back our intimate thoughts and feelings and instead engage in superficial small talk when people tend to be far more interested in our inner life than we’d expect. This is a shame since that knowledge would be the foundation for a deeper relationship. And when we need help, we believe that people will resent us for our requests, when scientific research shows that they can enhance closeness, by proving our regard for the other person.
Whether we regularly feel lonely, fear walking into a party full of strangers, or wish to get along better with our colleagues, most of us could do with a bit more faith in our social skills.
Based on my own experiences and the research I have read, I believe this is imperative for anyone who wishes to live well. Feeling socially connected not only brings great joy, it also soothes our stress responses, thereby reducing our risk of many different illnesses – from the common cold to cardiac arrest. The results from more than 100 studies all show that social connection is as important for our health as diet or exercise. Greater connection can also enhance our creativity. The more nodes we have in our social network, the more exposed we will be to fresh ideas and new sources of inspiration.
I have found that simply learning about concepts such as the liking gap can help us conquer our shyness, but it also needs perseverance if the effects are to last. As you will have found when learning any skill, greater confidence comes with regular practice outside our usual comfort zones.
For me, an ambition to speak Italian gave me the necessary push. As my fluency in the language increased, I started arranging “conversation exchanges” with native speakers who wished to practise their English. Needless to say, I made many blunders, but I was touched to see how sensitively my conversation partners saved me from embarrassment and how easy it was to build a friendship despite the language barrier. Striking up new conversations in my native language suddenly felt a lot less daunting.
You don’t need to go to this extreme. One study took the form of a week-long “scavenger hunt” that encouraged participants to set daily goals to approach and talk to strangers. They could decide to find someone with interesting shoes or eye-catching hair and then chat with them for a few minutes. Day by day, the participants came to recognise the pleasures of being more sociable and were less anxious about the possibility of rejection.
We may still need strategies to help offset self-doubt when it kicks in. One tool that I use is “defocusing”, which involves making a conscious effort to look at the big picture instead of getting hung up on small details. If we think we have made a faux pas, we can remind ourselves of the many other things that we exchanged during the conversation; the other person’s impression of us is unlikely to hinge on a single clumsy comment, which will probably be forgotten. We might also remind ourselves of previous instances in which we’ve instantly jumped to the worst conclusion, but later found our fears were not proven.
One of the best things you can do to overcome your shyness is to treat yourself with greater compassion. Many of us believe that self-criticism is essential if we are to behave better in the future, but the scientific literature suggests the very opposite is true. Beating ourselves up over a potential embarrassment only adds to our stress and reduces our capacity to learn from the perceived mistake. A simple exercise is to imagine that you are encouraging a friend or family member who is facing the same challenge or feeling the same worries; you might even write it down in the form as a letter. Once you have expressed those sentiments, you may find it far easier to be kinder to yourself.
At the height of my shyness, it would have seemed inconceivable that I would write a book about social connection – let alone support it with public talks and media interviews. I don’t regret those years of anxiety; when considering the past, my overwhelming emotion is one of gratitude to all the people who proved my fears of rejection to be false. But I do wish that I could go back in time and tell my 18-year-old self about what I had learned. With just a little bit of encouragement and practice, we all have enormous potential to connect.
The Laws of Connection: 13 Social Strategies That Will Transform Your Life by David Robson is published by Canongate on 6 June at £18.99. Buy it for £16.71 at guardianbookshop.com
