Some time ago, my husband and I read about children from lower socio-economic backgrounds who felt left out or let down this time of year because “Santa” had got them something much smaller or less extravagant than what he had got their friends. It was a revelation that broke my heart, and it prompted us to revise the way we approach Christmas with our own children: making the more expensive presents as gifts courtesy of mum and dad, and the less expensive – but certainly still fun – gifts as presents that came from Santa.
It was our way of celebrating this period a little more consciously and ethically: taking great care not to deprive our own children of the joy and sparkle of the season, while also demonstrating that it’s a time for us to think of others who might not be able to take part in the festivities in the way that they would like.
This year, after rising interest rates and soaring inflation, this approach seems especially pertinent. A recent survey suggests that just over half of Australia’s population will use their savings to fund festive spending this year, while 24% will have to go into debt to cover their Christmas costs. This includes 13% who will rely on their credit card and 9% who will use buy-now-pay-later services in order to keep up with the demands of the period.
But can we find an alternative to these demands?
Although it might be easier said than done, child psychologist Deirdre Brandner says it’s important not to get caught up in the “impossible ‘rose-tinted’ images of the ‘perfect family Christmas’”.
“We can be so influenced by social media and the commercial nature of the holiday season that we create unrealistic expectations for ourselves and gift giving,” she says. “Christmas is more than just presents [and] research shows that the most positive memories children have of Christmas is actually the special traditions that you do as family year after year, both in the lead-up and on the day itself.
“Don’t fall for ‘pester power’ or buy too many gifts because you want your child to have ‘the best Christmas ever’. You need to be mindful of peer pressure or marketing material, and [know that] it is OK for children to feel disappointed. There’s always next year, or the one after. Excess creates indulged individuals and even higher expectations next year.”
She says it’s wise to approach the season with balance, by having conversations in the lead-up to Christmas that manage your child’s expectations. She acknowledges that it can break a parent’s heart when they can’t provide their child with a gift they love, but says it’s important for parents to be the ones setting the values and boundaries around gift-giving rather than the other way around.
“Parents need to prepare their children beforehand if they can’t afford the gifts on their children’s wish list,” she explains. “Children need to learn how to respond and cope when they receive a gift that is not what they wanted or asked for. Helping them reflect on all the things they love about Christmas besides gifts can assist in the enjoyment [and in the making] of memories and rituals.”
And if the big man in red is complicating matters in your household – with a child holding out hope for an extravagant gift that just won’t make the budget? Brandner says it’s difficult, but that we need to consider changing the narrative around kids getting everything they want from Santa.
“Lots of children want to know why Santa gives more to other kids,” she explains. “They think they weren’t good enough or that Santa didn’t like them as much. Children should know that Santa will bring you something lovely but he doesn’t always bring what you ask for. Tell your child [that] Santa needs a whole list to choose from and Santa tries to get at least one thing on the list.”
She advises not buying too much when children are really little, and making sure your children know that not all presents come from Santa. She also recommends sticking to the “four-gift rule” – “something to wear, something to read, something they want, and something they need”.
And for those who can afford to go that extra mile? She suggests celebrating while also thinking about ways that they can still mark the season in a way that is more conscious of others and the environment, and that reflect your family values. She suggests sponsoring a family, making a commitment to an environmental cause, pledging to volunteer time or service to a charity in the new year, or considering the gift of food or time with loved ones and friends as a way to give in a meaningful way.
“Christmas time is an excellent opportunity to teach our children to develop gratitude, build empathy and demonstrate caring and [giving] back,” she says. “We all have the potential for kindness and generosity. Awareness of conscious gift-giving is the first step [and] as parents we can model this behaviour.”
• Sarah Ayoub is a journalist, academic and author of books for young adults and children
