My husband and I have no problem communicating – except about one subject. I have a higher libido than him, but have a hard time telling him when I want to have sex. I think it stems from a few negative experiences when I did ask but was turned down in a manner that made me feel ashamed. But those experiences were the outliers among a majority of positive ones; we have talked about them very thoroughly to put them behind us. So I don’t think that can be entirely responsible for this lack of communication – the words just won’t come out of my mouth. Maybe it’s some inner shame for having a higher libido than my husband, but it would have to be entirely subconscious because thinking and talking about it, I don’t feel that way. I just feel utterly unable to say that I’d like to have sex.
Maybe your reticence is a good thing. At some level you probably understand the truth about him and your situation, which is that (as you have already discovered) your husband does not respond well to a bold verbal move, so you need to try another approach. Think carefully about an alternative, more seductive approach. Do you know what are the visual, olfactory and sensory triggers for him? If not, when he is relaxed, try talking to him about what exactly turns him on. Armed with that information, focus on creating an erotically charged environment to which he is likely to respond. This may involve some trial and error. Similarly, learn what things are likely to turn him off, and avoid them.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions
Comments on this piece are premoderated to ensure discussion remains on topics raised by the writer. Please be aware there may be a short delay in comments appearing on the site.
