Rejection is—unfortunately—a core and inevitable part of dating. So, asking someone out to go on a date with you can be incredibly stressful. In the back of your mind, you’re likely wondering, what if this doesn’t work out? And, let’s not be naive—things often really don’t work out as planned. However, there is a silver lining!
The person rejecting you wields a lot of power in their hands. How they turn you down and phrase things can have a massive impact on how you feel about the entire debacle in the end. Inspired by u/theonlinepartofme, the r/AskReddit community spilled the tea about the most respectful ways someone rejected them. Scroll down for their wholesome stories!
Bored Panda got in touch with the person behind the interesting thread, u/theonlinepartofme, and they were kind enough to share their thoughts on rejection, honesty, and how to handle these situations well. You'll find our interview with them below.
#1
Went on a few dates with her after moving to a new country. She said something along the lines of “I think you’re nice and you’ll do well with the girls here, but I’m just not feeling it.”
We still bump into each other and have a chat and it’s not awkward at all, which I put down to her honesty and maturity.
Image credits: Oaktreedesk
#2
"You seem to want a boyfriend, I'm a workaholic and can't see that in my life right now." It hurt but I appreciated the honesty.
Image credits: Creepy_Line3977
#3
The best was a polite "I think we’re on different wavelengths, but I appreciate the chat".
Image credits: SmallAllyx
According to Marriage.com, in the United States, women are almost twice as likely to initiate breakups than men. Around 70% of straight, unmarried couples don't last long: they break up within the first year of starting dating.
42% of people who made up their minds to break up with their partners waited a week before finally breaking up with them. 58% of people think that their breakups are messy or dramatic.
While 19% of people admitted that they ended up ghosted by their former partners, 71% said that they still stayed in touch with them after the breakup.
#4
I once heard, "I have a lot of respect for you, but I don’t see us being a match", it was honest without being harsh.
Image credits: violetrose398
#5
She knew I have an affinity for Ancient Greek and composed her rejection in Attic prose. Stung, but how can I not respect that?
Image credits: LParticle
#6
"I'd rather have you as a friend i can talk to and feel safe with".
Image credits: anon
Redditor u/theonlinepartofme told Bored Panda that it's always best to lead with kindness and empathy. Unless you're rejecting someone who is dangerous or actively making you uncomfortable, it can help to flip the situation and consider how you'd feel if the roles were reversed.
"In the end, everyone wants acknowledgment or appreciation," they said. "If the advance is genuine, there's no way the rejection can be fully okay, but I think to let them know that their interest and courage are still appreciated can save them from much regret or shame."
Honesty also plays a big role in turning someone down. From the author's perspective, if there are some circumstances that prevent you from dating the other person, it might help to let them know that it's not them personally at fault here. "I personally think treating them as a human with human aches, fears, pain, anxiety, is the most important thing, rejection aside."
#7
“Wow, I can’t believe someone as great as you would want to date me. Unfortunately, I’m not ready to date at this time, but I’ll let you know if things change.”
I walked away feeling really good after that.
#8
I felt hopeful for our relationship when they stated, "I appreciate your interest, but I just don't see a future for us together. Can we still be friends?" It was a mature and courteous statement.
Image credits: LadyinFantasy
#9
A girl I liked said "No, you don't want that. I turn into a real b***h in a relationship. And I like you. I can't do that to you." Ok, fine, A+ for originality, but whatever.
Then she dated a friend of mine. HOLY. C**P. I consider her rejection one of the *nicest things anyone has ever done for me.*.
"Whether you're turning someone down, being turned down, or about to possibly be turned down, interest in someone is incredibly special in this beautiful yet also cold life," the author opened up to Bored Panda that they really value people's courageous attempts to put themselves out there in a vulnerable position.
"So, hopefully, all sides keep mind of this. And if you could be turned down, you're braver and cooler than most of us."
The redditor who sparked the intriguing discussion opened up to Bored Panda that they generally like to turn to the r/AskReddit community whenever they have any questions running through their mind.
"This question in particular came up when I was talking with a friend about rejection or break-ups, and how these days people are so sensitive and can take rejection to even a scary level. I then wondered what would be the best way to go about the worst situation: getting turned down," u/theonlinepartofme said, adding that the person doing the rejecting has a lot of power to make the memory of the event better or worse for the other individual.
#10
“If I were straight I’d say yes”.
Image credits: nvdrz
#11
(in high school) She told me that she thought I was nice, but her friend liked me and she'd feel bad if we went out, so I should ask her out instead.
I ended up going out with the friend for over a year.
Image credits: whoisdatmaskedman
#12
The nicest rejection to the first time I ever initiated interest, was quite an impactful life lesson for me.
A guy who was more of a friendly stranger/acquaintance than anything, I asked him out. He did look really surprised, when I did and took his time to respond. He said he was very flattered but he couldn't as he had just started seeing someone (which was true and I believe they are still together many years on).
But he never stopped being friendly and kind in front of his friends when he saw me.
It was impactful because, I put myself out there, it wasn't the social catastrophe I always imagined in my head by taking that risk and it validated my trust in my own judgement in being able to "pick" a kind person. Definitely put me in a better headspace for when I eventually met my now husband.
According to the author, they haven't turned down too many people, but they usually stick to a very simple and straightforward script of thanking them for their interest and then apologizing.
"If it had to come up again, especially if it were with someone important to me, I'd still want them to walk away feeling good about the courage to have asked, as I'd also want to feel that way in the flipped situation. Therefore, I wanted to hear first-hand answers," they said.
There are lots of things to consider when rejecting someone. There’s some delicate balance work to focus on. For instance, most people don’t want to hurt anyone else’s feelings, even if they don’t view them in a romantic light. So, they want to avoid being callous or overly harsh.
At the same time, vagueness is also emotionally dangerous. If you’re too ambiguous and overly friendly, it can wreak a ton of havoc in your life. For example, if the other person believes they still might have a shot at being with you, they might continue with their (unwanted) advances.
#13
“I really appreciate the offer, but I don’t want to waste your time if I’m not feeling the same way.” Honest, clear, and no awkwardness.
Image credits: Safe_Smell_3255
#14
He gave me a blue flower on valentine’s day… blue flowers signify friendship. poetic, yes.
Image credits: jeni0eee
#15
I was hired for a brand new hardware store and there was a hot construction worker during the fitout. I mustered up the courage to ask for his number just before the store opened. He said he was flattered but married. We chatted briefly and that was that. He was a nice guy.
In short, when turning someone down, you want to be as clear as possible without being too blunt. You want to consider the other person’s feelings without giving them any romantic hope where there is none. Honesty really is the best policy… for everyone involved.
However, it’s not just what you say but also how you phrase things that’s important. Your tone of voice and body language can have a huge impact on how the rejected person feels. They’ll feel hurt if you sound like you’re too flippant or mock them. On the other hand, adding some gentle humor can defuse the tension and show that there’s nothing personal about the rejection: you’re simply not interested, no matter how awesome they are.
#16
He said, 'you're an amazing person, but I just don’t feel that spark.' Honestly, it hurt, but I appreciated the honesty more than anything.
Image credits: aprilshills
#17
He said he wasn't interested and that he looked at me as more of a sister he never had than a girlfriend, which I understood and respected. We're still very good friends to this day.
Image credits: Aquatarkana
#18
The best way for me was that when I asked, she simply told me that she isn't attracted/interested. That way you know you'll never make a chance. If they'll tell you that they aren't in the right place to date right now, sure it's polite, but it's a lie. And this also makes you feel like you'll have a chance some day.
Image credits: Darker_than_death
Verywell Mind notes that the key to nice rejections is to be kind but firm. Here are a few things that you could potentially tell the other person when turning them down gently:
- “That's really kind of you to ask, but no thank you.”
- “Thank you for following up. I had a good time on our last date but out of respect for your time and mine, I want to be honest and let you know that I’m not feeling the connection I'm looking for.”
- “I wish you the best and I hope that you find all that you are seeking.”
#19
She said she wasn't ready for a relationship but that I would be the first person she called if she was ready.
Honestly, when I asked her I don't think I was ready either. I just kind of blurted after we had a few drinks.
The feelings haven't changed, but it was just the wrong time to do so.
Image credits: Virtual-Chicken-1031
#20
They gave me a cookie and said, 'I'm not interested, but I appreciate the offer.' That cookie was my closure, and I will forever cherish it.
Image credits: prettyjaiyieeee
#21
'You're nice but just not my type' that was understandable and ok for me. And wayyy nicer than just being ghosted.
Image credits: SryForMyIncontinence
On the flip side, you should definitely avoid giving anyone false hope. For instance, you should avoid phrases like “maybe later.” Furthermore, it’s only polite not to ghost someone. They’re a real person with real feelings. If you’re not interested, tell them. Give them some closure.
Meanwhile, you should probably avoid using cliches like “it’s not you, it’s me” that you often hear people using in films and TV shows. It’s not genuine. It’s an easy way out. And the other person deserves to hear the truth, even if it is slightly uncomfortable.
#22
After 2 months of dating, I'd been falling for her hard and she knew it, so she sat me down and told me that she didn't have feelings for me yet, and that she was going to start seeing other guys (we weren't exclusive yet). She was willing to keep dating because she really liked spending time with me and knew I'd be a good boyfriend for her, but I suspected it'd just be worsening the inevitable pain so I ended it. After we split she texted me that she thought I was a wonderful person and that I hoped I found someone.
It didn't stop me from being a little heartbroken, but I did feel valued and felt that like she'd really wanted it to work out.
#23
“You’re just not my type” is the best version of rejection.
It can’t be argued, but it also doesn’t communicate that the person is unattractive in general, just in a subjective manner.
It also doesn’t contain some kind of dishonest compliment.
Image credits: heyitsvonage
#24
It was a simple "i have someone, but thank you for the compliment."
in just those few words she let me know that she didn't think i was a creep for asking, and she recognized that i asked because i liked something about her.
i still remember it, years later.
ETA i don't know if the boyfriend part was true, and it didn't matter. the thanks part, i liked that.
What’s the most respectful way that someone has ever rejected you, Pandas? On the other hand, what’s the best way you’ve ever turned someone down?
Have you ever accidentally given someone any false hope by being too vague? Has anyone had a bad reaction to you turning them down? If you feel like sharing, scroll down to the comments section to open up about your experiences.
#25
They just said they weren’t ready for a relationship but valued my friendship.
Image credits: CleverLuis
#26
I was at a bar doing some day drinking in my late 20s. I was there with a large group of people, as one will do in Fells Point, Baltimore. I approached 3 ladies at a bar table, said a few words and got them to laugh. One girl simply says, “We’re sorry, we all have boyfriends.”
I replied with something like, “Oh, that’s cool. Well, you all enjoy our day. It was lovely talking to you.” I said it genuinely and with a smile.
The girls giggled between them then one piped up, “We think you’re cute though.”
I laugh, said thank you, and walked away.
#27
Asked if she wanted to see me again and she sent me a Simon Cowell gif, "it's a no from me."
It was hilarious.
#28
It wasnt during the time he turned me down, but years later that guy contacted me again (when he was engaged already) and told me he used to have severe attachment issues and that he thought i was too nice of a girl to break my heart so he decided to drop me instead of playing unfair and he just wanted to apologise :)
That felt quite good to hear:).
#29
I had a beautiful girl in one of my lab classes in college (I'm almost 50 now but still remember!) and I finally worked up the nerve to ask her out. I was gentlemanly about it but probably also visibly at least a bit nervous. She looked me right in the eye and said something along the lines of "oh my gosh, that is so sweet of you. but I can't, I'm already with someone." Just a nice combination of being genuine and kind and (presumably?) honest, showing some appreciation for the compliment and not making it weird. She got a compliment and I walked away with my dignity and knowing I at least tried. Could be much worse.
#30
I was dating a girl that lived 2 hours away. She waited for a weekend where she could drive down to me (We took turns driving up/down) to dump me in person, when she could have EASILY just saved the time, money and effort to do it over text. As much as that sucked, I respect her for that.
#31
Someone I was in a performing group with.
Apologised for taking a long time to return my message, complimented me, explained they weren't willing to cross the boundary of dating someone in the group. Very respectful, very kind.
She then dated another member of the group, and later married another one.
#32
Many years ago I was backpacking through Australia, moving from town to town to pick up work and staying in hostels along the way. I was making my way up the East coast and wound up stopping at a hostel at a beach town during the offseason. It was cold and rainy without much to do, and the only people staying at the hostel at that time were other backpackers working for accommodation and a small handful of wanderers, like me. I was only meant to stay a night or two but I really clicked with this small group of travelers and I kept extending my stay by another night as I was having too much fun. Every night they would throw me a “leaving-do,” and in the morning I’d extend my visit by another day. I think I was there for a week total.
One of the girls in this small group of backpackers was absolutely gorgeous. She was funny as all hell and I was certain we felt a mutual attraction to each other, but when I tried to make a move, she rejected me. Not the first time I’d been rejected, and at this point in my travels I had gotten used to it, but when I did eventually leave to continue my journey up the coast, she texted me me something to the effect of “I like you and really had a great time with you but I’ve had my heart broken too many times and it’s not so nice a feeling.”
The fact that she texted me at all, and the validation, the closure - I think that rejection text made me feel better than many of the of the opposite variety.
#33
“I thought I was ready but I’m not emotionally available right now.”
#34
We had been on two dates when she told me that she was working on rekindling things with an ex boyfriend. It wasn't official yet, and as much as she wanted to be "one of those cool people that can date multiple people at once," that wasn't her and she didn't want to hurt me by stringing me along. She rightfully saw that as something important that deserved her focus and was honest with me.
I was disappointed of course, but it gave me a lot of respect and showed her character. If you want to work things out with an ex, you really ought not to be looking around for other people at the same time while you rebuild the relationship.
#35
"You are lush, but I am gay, let's do coffee though".
#36
Went on a tinder date. Had a nice night out with drinks and a walk along the river.
We exchanged a few texts afterwards. She then sent a text that said something like "I had a nice time, but I didn't really feel a spark, so I don't think this is going to go anywhere. All the best".
It was simple, clear, and I appreciated it. Much better than just slowly fading with awkward chat or ghosting.
#37
I'd like to be so bold as to answer this question on behalf of that woman that time and say, me.
I was a waiter. One of my customers wrote her phone number on her check. I called her the next day to say I'm really sorry, I have a girlfriend, but if you ever want to come back to the restaurant and ask to sit on my section, you're always welcome (or something like that).
She asked, wait a minute, if you have a girlfriend, why are you even calling me at all?
And I told her the truth, which is that I hate when I give my number to someone and they never call, so I'm calling to explain, if I hadn't called, why not.
She said that was very sweet. It's no wonder I have a girlfriend. Thank you. (I never saw her again.)
#38
The best way i got turned when someone respected me a lot and said he will look for me in future but now he isn't ready for marriage. I respected his straight opinion.
Image credits: Bella_5577
#39
Simply: "I just don't think about or like you that way, and I'm not really interested in starting, but I do consider you a good friend".
Being respectful of feelings and intelligence without compromising the message. Direct, honest, unambiguous, but not apologetic, and not rude.
My reaction was "Thank you so much for saying so. I'm so happy to have such a good friendo".
She did in fact end up becoming one of my best friends ever.
#40
«I think you’re a great guy, and while i would love to date you, i’m still not done getting over my ex boyfriend, and don’t want that to lead you into being stuck in a situationship with me».
#41
I asked him out, he said he didn't have any money and wasn't comfortable dating right now.
I didn't care about the money thing, but I appreciate the clear 'no.'
I was around 26, and he was like 31. He had just lost his job. I had money at the time, and I'm not having kids, so I don't care as much about financial security in a partner.
After experiencing not having money, I kinda understand. I think it's a man thing, though. They need money to have self-esteem sometimes because of gender roles.
#42
"I'm sorry I'm not interested.".
-
Short, respectful, to the point and doesn't waste anyone's time. No one needs to explain why and expecting an explanation is its own explanation on why you're not ready for a relationship.
#43
"I'm not interested, but I wouldn't have had the guts to do what you just did, so I'm impressed." I had confessed to my most intense crush ever.
#44
They kindly explained their reasons and wished me well.
#45
Chatted up a Bartender on new years eve (I know..) and went the "no b******t" approach, straight up told her I had no pickup line or anything but I thought she was super cute and I wondered if she'd ever would grab a coffee with me. (While several (drunk AF) guys tried to chat her up and she just basically doing the usual bartender stuff of ignoring them)
She told me that she's sorry as she's in a relationship, but over the night kept giving me free drinks, occasionally talking even and later on when she went on a break and passed us, she came over and said hi, talked a bit smalltalk etc.
When we left I went over and thanked her as it was the most chill rebuff i'd ever gotten. Wasn't even mad but rather happy.
#46
She said she wasn't interested in dating anyone right now and just wanted to be friends. It was definitely a white lie but it helped me save face.
#47
"I'm sorry, _Weyland_. I enjoy your company, but I don't find you attractive romantically. I'll understand if you don't want to talk to me after this."
And my dumb a*s past self ghosted this girl even though I was genuinely grateful for being so straightforward.
#48
You are handsome, but not exactly my type. My friends will love you, though!
#49
Slowly walked outta my life. Messages and talks happened less and less, we saw each other less and less every passing month until we just stopped talking.
It's like we both gave each other a chance but it was clear what we both wanted but was afraid of hurting the others feelings.
#50
How about “no thank you”. I don’t think someone needs to give you a reason for not wanting to go out with you.
#51
"You are great, cute and a good catch but I already have a boyfriend." And she actually showed me her phone with pictures of him.
#52
"I don't date smart people, I find them off putting" At first I laughed and then I was like, ok... person knows their lane and that kind of self realization is something many of us struggle to attain.
#53
This super hot girl was dancing with another girl in this bar and I made my approach.
She stopped, faced me, smiled, took my hands, leaned in, all while maintaining intense eye contact, and in a wonderful voice, said, "Sorry, I only go one way at a time."
Then she winked and turned back to her now furious dance partner.
While a yes would have been better, it definitely gave me the warm fuzzies.
#54
I saw my friend get rejected yet he was pretty stoked - let me explain. Before a concert we stopped by a small pub to pregame. There was a woman there and somehow he started chatting her up. He's trying to get her number or something, but she said she had a bf in prison. He's in sales so he doesn't quit but he's very smooth about it that it's not creepy. Instead he was hoping for at least a hug, but she refused. And this is her genius move - in her refusal she told him she couldn't hug him or she'd end up f*****g him, but she couldn't because she had a bf. So, that was that. And when we left he was so happy about how she would had f****d him if he could hug her, or so he thought. I was impressed at how she rejected him, but stroked his ego.
#55
With a very rich kiss, he told me “only because you deserve it.”.
#56
I once invited a woman to sleep with me and she said "you're too kind".
