There’s an alternate timeline out there, in deep and infinite space, where Idris Elba is actually in good things. You’re not allowed to mention The Wire to me, because The Wire ended 15 years ago. You’re not allowed to mention Luther to me, because Luther is one of those curious shows that only exists in the abstract form – as ‘something other people watch’ – and you haven’t actually seen. But you have to wonder what the other universes are doing with their infinite sexy Idris Elbas, what fantastic films and shows they have him in. We are on the worst Idris Elba timeline, for sure. We are on the one where he did those Sky adverts and kept turning up places for the entire summer of 2019 to DJ a surprise set. We have the Idris Elba that is set to star in a Sonic the Hedgehog series for Paramount+.
We are also the only universe, I have to assume, that has the series Hijack (from Wednesday 28 June, Apple TV+) about Idris Elba being on a plane. The pitch is this: Idris Elba got on a plane from Dubai to Heathrow carrying absolutely no hand luggage at all. This is not the worst part, but it’s the part that has stuck with me the most: not even an iPad, a washbag? It’s a seven-hour flight. Not even a pair of headphones? A change of socks? He bought a Gucci bracelet for his ex-wife that he keeps wistfully fondling, and that’s it. Nobody has a problem with this? Nobody has an issue with this? OK, sure. Sure!
The next thing that happens is: Idris Elba charms literally everyone who comes into contact with him through his sheer Idris Elbaness, despite not having a single good line of dialogue for at least three episodes. This is sort of believable at first – it’s Idris Elba! – but less and less the more it keeps happening. A stewardess is so bowled over by his Idris Elbaness that she lets a final passenger through the gate just because he asks her nicely. A business-class seatmate is persuaded into turning the clicking sounds off on his phone because Idris Elba asked with quiet, hard, Idris Elba intensity. Before you ask: yes, Idris Elba is the executive producer on this one, too.
And then, of course, there’s the hijacking, which Idris Elba notices before anyone else, through either his always-on Idris Elba hyperintelligence or, more likely, because he didn’t even bring a book. Idris Elba notices two terrorists communicate via a swapped washbag. Idris Elba notices the ex-military man just by glancing at him and gives him a firm nod. And then, the hijacking, and: yep, Idris Elba is in control, calming down fellow passengers, talking others out of a mutiny and communicating calmly with the terrorists. He quietly sends a text. Idris Elba-style.
Once you move past the Idris Elba show, it’s hard to – and I know what I am about to say shows a shocking, almost sociopathic lack of empathy, but – give a single shit about a single person onboard. Most of them are 2D sketches at best and all of them are walking tropes, and for some reason, the show keeps showing me the extensive domestic lives of the ground staff (do I really need a long sequence where an airport security officer parks her car? No). There’s a honeymooning couple here, look. There’s a vicar and his wife who’s scared of flying. There’s a young Australian woman who is having a passive-aggressive seat war with a young Northern mum (“YER THINK YER BERRA THAN ME, DORN’T YER?”) who, actually, really should make her kids turn the noise down on their Switch. There’s one of those guys who introduces himself as “Hugo, marketing, yeah”, that every TV show seems duty-bound to have. Who else? Oh: three girls who play hockey. A huffy middle-aged American woman in a brave pair of glasses. Welsh boyo with a sleeve tattoo. Occasionally characters turn up, invented on the spot, just to serve a single purpose: an ex-Egyptian military man who knows about guns, for instance, who apparently didn’t want to say a single thing for the past three hours of the flight, until the exact moment it felt like a twist was needed. We’re in a crisis here, mate! Perhaps you could have piped up!
But worst of all, for a thriller, it’s quite exceptionally boring. Like yeah, guns, lives, aeroplanes. A nightmare scenario in need of a hero. And yet … eh. It’s never exactly bad watching Idris Elba be Idris Elba, is it. But wouldn’t it be much, much better if it was good?
