No kid intentionally wants to let their parents down or be a disappointment. Everyone tries their best and ultimately works hard to live a joyful life. Sometimes, no matter how hard an individual works, their parents might still feel let down.
A mom who felt this way reached out to people on the internet because she was embarrassed by her son’s life choices. She wasn’t sure whether to push him to do better or just let him be, as she truly wants the best for him. Notably, folks had lots of opinions about her post.
More info: Mumsnet
Mom can’t seem to get on board with the way her son lives his life, she feels surprised that he doesn’t want to achieve more for his family
The poster explained that she’s from a family of high achievers, but her 21-year-old son is different as he struggled academically and eventually went into “low-paid manual work”
The mom mentioned that although her son is hardworking, reliable, a good dad to his child, and a supportive partner to his girlfriend, she feels embarrassed that he doesn’t want more from life
Image credits: JemimaPuddleduck7
She asked netizens if she should be encouraging him to do more or just staying out of it
Raising children isn’t easy, and the love, concern, and care you have for them never goes away. Parents always want what’s best for their kids and that feeling is carried into their adulthood as well. They might even feel anxious or worried if their child isn’t successful or following the path they always imagined them taking. All of these feelings can be difficult to deal with.
To learn more about these aspects of parenting, Bored Panda reached out to Dr. Rosina McAlpine, the founder and CEO of Win Win Parenting. She is an award-winning researcher, a compassionate parent educator, an author, and a family well-being expert. She told us that “all parents want the best for their children, and when a child is born, each parent has dreams and hopes for their children to live a healthy, happy, and successful life.”
“Sometimes a child doesn’t choose a path their parents had hoped for, and then parents might experience disappointment or embarrassment. These negative feelings actually stem from a parent’s strong wish to see their child succeed and from a fear that their children might not reach their full potential,” Dr. Rosina added.
We also reached out to Anita Cleare, a parenting expert, coach, founder of the Positive Parenting Project, and author of a parenting book called ‘How to Get Your Teenager Out of Their Bedroom.’
Anita shared that “all parents want their children to be happy and for their lives to turn out well. Sometimes, this takes the form of a specific idealized version of how they will turn out. As children grow and we get to know their unique characters, we often revise these speculations and start to appreciate that their talents or inclinations might lie in a different direction.”
“However, that’s not always an easy adjustment to make, especially when we feel that the life they are pursuing is a downgrade [from] the one we imagined. As our children become young adults, we have to hand over the power to them and accept that we don’t get to make choices for them. Ultimately, our children need to find their own way through life,” Anita explained.
Image credits: Andrea Piacquadio / pexels (not the actual photo)
The poster is obviously wrestling with feelings of guilt over her expectations for her son, along with the disappointment she feels about his lifestyle. It’s a tough situation for a parent to find themselves in and one that doesn’t have any easy way out.
Dr. Rosina shared a couple of things parents can do if they feel let down by their kids’ choices: They can:
- “Reflect on their expectations of their child. Ask if the expectations are realistic–is this what the child wants in life, and does it match their child’s strengths, interests, values, and dreams?
- Understand that every person has their own life path. A parent’s life path may not be a child’s life path.
- Don’t parent by ‘what others will think.’ Many parents worry about how others will see their [children] or how they will judge their parenting.
- Focus on the good aspects of your child’s life. Imagine how differently a parent would feel if they acknowledged and celebrated their child’s unique qualities, their achievements, and the happiness their child has because of their own lifestyle and life choices.”
That is, in fact, what the mom did. Despite the few criticisms she had, she also shared that her son is hardworking, reliable, and enjoys his job. When he learned his girlfriend was pregnant, he worked hard to get a property for them and even took a second job to be able to afford everything. Plus, he was okay with supporting his girlfriend so that she could stay home and look after their child.
Dr. Rosina mentioned that parents need to “understand the difference between supporting versus imposing or forcing a child in a certain life direction, which can lead to broken relationships and resentment. If a parent can’t shake the feelings of disappointment or embarrassment about their children’s choices, talking to a therapist or a trusted friend can help [them] understand where these emotions come from and then manage them in a healthy way.”
Image credits: Kindel Media / pexels (not the actual photo)
The mom’s struggle might be relatable to many who just want to see their kids excel. But what they don’t realize is that kids can pick up on a parent’s disappointment. A poll found that 85% of people feel they’ve disappointed their parents, which might be due to something that was said to them or by picking up on subtle reactions and behaviors.
Anita Cleare also stated that “persistently judging or criticizing teens and young adults for their choices usually results in conflict and alienation. Feeling that you have disappointed your parent is painful, and many young adults will choose to stop confiding in their parents, withdraw, or even break contact completely.”
“If parents keep expressing disappointment in children’s life choices, children can internalize that message. This can impact their self-esteem, leaving them feeling like they are not good enough and triggering a downward spiral of poor mental health. Children are far more likely to succeed in life when they believe in themselves,” she added.
As Dr. Rosina stated, “every person has the right to live their life based on their hopes and dreams. When parents support and try to understand their child’s wishes and dreams they can create loving bonds and encourage the child to explore their life path confidently, knowing they have their parent’s love and support no matter which path they choose.”
The mom’s idea behind the post was to get a reality check about her feelings. She probably got more than she bargained for after pretty much everyone sided with her son. It might be a tough pill to swallow, but hopefully, she finally realized that it’s okay if her son has a completely different life path than the one she had hoped for.
People called out the mom for not realizing that her son is probably happy with the life he’s living
Image credits: Charlotte May / pexels (not the actual photo)
