The Mum Ribbon Movement started when a mum’s post about tying a ribbon to their bag as a clever way to reach out to parents who might be feeling lonely went viral, and here’s why it’s not for me.
Parenting is hard, there are no two ways about it. When I became a mum it was like the cutest freight train to the face, and no one really warns you it's on the tracks. Probably because they're too scared to be 'the negative one'. But a lot comes with being mum. The mental load, the physical changes in your body, the emotional changes in all of your relationships, the burden of knowledge people assume you have and that's before we even get started on post-natal depression and maternal mental health, so it's understandable that well-meaning people are trying to help combat and support all of these feelings. But it's going to take more than a ribbon.
Mum-of-three, author, and psychotherapist Anna Mathur took to her Instagram account to share The Mum Ribbon Movement. Essentially the idea involves tying a ribbon to your handbag or pushchair to signify to other mothers that you are happy to help if they are in need - whether that's a hug, to offer a spare nappy, or to chat with them.
The Mum Ribbon Movement
It all kicked off with an Insta post, the caption reads; Grab a ribbon and share the square! The ribbon says: I am open to you offering me some kind words or support and I’m here if you need some kind words or support. It’s also for those who’ve messaged me to say that they’ve been offered support before, but said they were ‘fine thanks’ when they weren’t. So it might a statement to yourself that you’re stepping out in letting others step towards you! This will either rocket, or flop, and I’m okay with finding out and looking like a plonker if it doesn’t work. If you want something a bit more official, thanks to lots of you, I have discovered that @amotherplace and @stacieswift created some amazing ‘Yo’ buggy tags and pins a couple of years ago which you can get on @amotherplace website. They show that you’re open to having a chat or helping a fellow parent. I will link those in stories for you! All proceeds go to Pandas. So let’s see ribbons and tags all over the place
Talking to the Mirror Anna recalled the moment she wished someone had been able to do this for her, saying: "I was juggling three kids down the high street, one was screaming and the other two lagging behind. I felt utterly depleted and was fighting back tears. I looked around me and saw strangers, other mums, families, and people on their own. I wished so much that I could have turned to someone at that moment, for a kind word, a warm smile, or an extra hand to distract a child.
"I felt like a couple of people could see me struggling but may have worried I'd feel offended if they offered to help."
Here's the thing...
But, here's the thing, I don't think we're ready for it. I don't think we're ready for that level of interaction at such an intense time. The Mum Ribbon Movement is a nice idea, but realistically it's going to take more than a ribbon;
- To make me overcome my inherent social awkwardness
- To make me be okay with someone interrupting a time I wish wasn't happening right now
- To make me forget that time I did offer to help and exhausted eyes glared back at me, and a pithy remark of 'I'm fine thanks, my child is fine thanks' was lobbed my way. (I remember it vividly and was mortified that I'd overstepped some imaginary mark.)
Also, what if that parent put that ribbon on their bag on a day when they were feeling strong? On a day that they could cope with having their vulnerability spark a head-tilt 'you ok?'. But then when it came to it and the kid was screaming and the coffee's spilling and someone's offering to help, before they can stop it the automatic shrill reply of, 'no I'm fine. It's fine. We're fine.' rings out. When we know and they know that they aren't fine, nothing is fine. But having someone else witness the not-fine is too much. Society deems it too much, that children shouldn't have tantrums, that we're bad parents if they do, and that we can't control our kids (well no, they're not there to be controlled).
Parents feel alone not because they don't have a ribbon, but because that's how society makes us feel. We're constantly in the way with 'too big' prams in coffee shops, tutted at if our children are too loud, and eyes are rolled if we dare to breastfeed in public. Adding ribbons and a 'secret society' invitation to what should be basic human decency almost feels like we're accepting our fate, and making space for every eye roll and tut. When it's actually that kind of reaction we should be working to change.
I know this movement means so well and it has gained traction among parents, but I think this shows just how much we need this change in society. I don't need a ribbon to invite a new person to witness my twelfth tear-inducing struggle before 9am, I need to know in my heart that this is okay. This struggle is normal, it's not judged and I am a good parent. The ribbon is trying to... what's that saying, about stable doors and horses bolting, it's a bit too little too late. And, it's going to take more than a ribbon.
Related features:
- Perinatal Mental Health: what is it and how to get help
- What is prenatal depression? Symptoms, signs and support
- How to embrace motherhood
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