Strap in. Helen Bauer doesn’t hold back. From the moment she introduces herself from the wings and arrives onstage, to the moment she delivers her closing message, there is no let up. The comedian puts every fibre of her being into her third full-length show.
Grand Supreme Darling Princess is a painfully open account of Bauer’s relationship issues, romantic and otherwise. At 32 she has never had a boyfriend. Her friends suggest that even in this post-feminist era, men want a woman they can save, and she doesn’t fit the bill. They, in turn, according to the forthright Hampshire-born comedian, are all in relationships with “men called George whose personality is rugby.”
Bauer’s show is both relatable and unique. Many will recognise her riff about school trips being an excuse to ditch the uniform and dress up. Her obsession with a podcast about tyrants is less universal, but hints at an assertive streak – “big dictator energy”. Not so much a damsel in distress as the one causing it?
An anecdote about a Disney World trip as an adult is filled with fine comic detail as Bauer plans her break with military precision. She is certainly not the first person to question Prince Charming kissing Sleeping Beauty – how old is she anyway? – but she garnishes her analysis with the right amount of shouty outrage, while conceding that modern Disney may still not be perfect, but the women do have more agency.
There is a further potent mix of levity and something more serious when she recalls her teenage babysitting career, where her niche was looking after neurodivergent children. The babysitting sounds challenging, but that was nothing compared to the excruciatingly awkward walk home accompanied by the child’s father.
Bauer doesn’t shy away from soul-bearing, whether it is discussing being in therapy (“paying £70 to have someone on your side”) or her complex dynamic with her mother, which she calls a “missed-call relationship”. The trick, which she should quickly patent, is to phone mum then hang up before she answers. That way, mum thinks her daughter wants a natter; the stand-up avoids the angst of an actual conversation.
And just when you think she has nothing left to overshare, the show builds to a brilliantly delivered tale of a sleepwalking incident that is both hilarious and horrendous. No spoilers, let’s just say she is not saved by a kiss from Prince Charming.
