UP FOR THE (MILK) CUP
Welcome to the 1,549th edition of Let’s All Laugh at Chelsea™, in which Football Daily riffs on the club’s latest defeat, at Championship middlers Middlesbrough in their Fizzy Cup semi-final first leg. Boro goalscorer Hayden Hackney was already the subject of interest from Tottenham, Manchester United and Liverpool before his well-taken goal, which means he’ll probably be a Chelsea player by the time the second leg rolls around.
There is something wonderful about the idea of Chelsea scouts attending the game, noting Hackney’s surging runs past the other midfielders they had earmarked just a few months earlier – Moisés Caicedo and Enzo Fernández, yep, we are once again looking at you – before producing a glowing report to Mauricio Pochettino to explain why the Boro man should be snapped up immediately. Although based on the club’s recent transfer policy, Chelsea and Todd Boehly are just as likely to sign Hackney because he’s a cooler, more hipster London borough than he is a long-term fix for their footballing woes.
Of course, this particular Hackney is not actually a London borough at all, but a very good England Under-21 footballer, who captained his local side in their FA Cup defeat by Aston Villa on Saturday. Boro are no mugs either, despite this season’s inconsistent league campaign. Michael Carrick steered his side to fourth in last year’s Championship table and has every hope of defending the 1-0 lead at Stamford Bridge in the second leg, as the club strive to repeat their famous 2004 triumph in this competition.
Two other teams also aiming to secure this season’s first bit of Fizzy silverware are Liverpool and Fulham, with the latter hoping to survive an Anfield shoeing in the first leg on Wednesday. This is Fulham’s first appearance in the semi-finals, so uncharted territory for the London side, who have won just one of their past 11 meetings with Liverpool. But hey, look on the bright side! At least Trent Alexander-Arnold is knacked!
Perhaps Fulham will give themselves a chance for the second leg. Maybe Chelsea will beat Boro 4-0 at Stamford Bridge in their own return fixture, Cole Palmer will remember he is quite good at this football malarkey, Levi Colwill will double check he hasn’t had his bootlaces tied together again by Isaiah Jones, Christopher Nkunku will return from injury with a matchwinning performance and Pochettino will look down on his £1bn squad with paternal affection. Or maybe the Blues will give Football Daily the chance to write the 1,550th edition of Let’s All Laugh at Chelsea™. Let’s see.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
Join Scott Murray at 8pm GMT for minute-by-minute updates on Liverpool 3-1 Fulham in the first leg of the Worthington Cup semi-final.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“It’s really important to emphasise that, of course we’re professional athletes and we have to be fit to do our sport, but a body shape doesn’t determine if you’re fit enough. A lot of people see athletes as robots. It was quite hard for me a few years ago after my heart condition. I’d been out for a while and had gained a bit of weight because I physically couldn’t do anything. It’s not like we train for a week and suddenly you’re fully fit and ready to go. It was tough reading those comments” – Fran Kirby on the toxic abuse she was subjected to on various social media disgraces after returning from a long layoff.
FOOTBALL DAILY LETTERS
George Ferzoco (yesterday’s letter on Pulp Fiction) seems a little tense – can I suggest a foot massage?” – Mike Rice.
Saturday: Pshaw! Where are all the cup upsets, this is boring. Tuesday: How has this big club lost to a smaller club? This is the end times! I hate modern football” – Darren Leathley.
So, Mr Tickle kept goal for Wigan against Manchester United. That’s Sam Tickle. With extraordinarily long arms, obviously. We definitely need a Mr Men team: Mr (Ian) Rush, Mr Marvellous (Nakamba), Mr Small(ing), Mr Clever(ley), Mr (Evander) Sno(w) would definitely make my squad. Nominations for Mr Uppity, Mr Clumsy, Mr Greedy, Mr Strong, Mr Good, Mr Tall, Mr Topsy-Turvy and more would be welcomed” – Tony Walsh.
Re: Friday’s Football Daily made me reflect on Mackems owner Kyril Louis-Dreyfus’ age of 26. He’s like one of those Apprentice chumps who think they’re on to a sure-fire winner, like selling cash-and-carry cheese in France, before being told by Lord Sour their scheme to redecorate their own bar with Sunderland-hating phrases and images was ‘the worst thing ever seen in this boardroom’ and they were a ‘bladdy disgrace’, before being in no uncertain terms ‘fired’. Fans can’t sack the board though, no matter how many times they sing it” – Alex Plumb.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Darren Leathley.
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