STANWAY TO HEAVEN
Oof. Is that the time? Just give us a minute, will you. The Fiver celebrated a bit too hard last night. When Ella Toone’s equaliser hit the back of the net to emphatically end 30 minutes of hurt, we jumped up so fast our head cracked the low ceiling of our single-room pied-à-terre. When Georgia Stanway lashed home that extra-time winner, Weird Uncle Fiver clobbered us with our own Ellen White cardboard cutout. Looks like we’ve got The Fever again, and who can blame us? England’s indomitable Lionesses are in the Euro 2022 semi-finals!
With 83 minutes gone, the jig appeared to be up. Spain led 1-0, caressing the ball effortlessly around midfield; Sarina Wiegman had hooked White, Beth Mead and Fran Kirby, and thrown on the youngsters. But then the game was swung by the hands of fate – and the arms of Alessia Russo. Spain’s Irene Paredes felt she was impeded by the Manchester United forward as she flicked on for clubmate Toone to score, but she had the good grace not to complain bitterly about it afterwards. What’s that? Oh. “I can’t jump because she hits me with her elbow on the neck, a clear foul that [the referee] doesn’t want to whistle or review, and that decides the match,” Paredes fumed.
If you were in her shoes, you might feel hard done by too, but The Fiver has some notes. 1) The goal did not decide the match; 2) Paredes didn’t help her cause by appealing for a foul with the ball in mid-air; 3) the increasingly defensive tactics employed by the Spanish Southgate, Jorge Vilda, were equally to blame. Oh, and 4), what’s wrong with a bit of old-fashioned centre-forward play? Don’t like it up ‘em, these! Sorry. Maybe, it’s these St George Cross sunnies, but The Fiver is at risk of going Full Jingo: berating opposing defenders for their whining, then standing to applaud Alex Greenwood’s game management. But we weren’t the only ones getting carried away. “I went a little crazy,” admitted Wiegman, like a dignitary who had just necked an entire box of wine. “I was so happy. I tried to stay calm but this was so close and such a game.” Wiegman, you’re the one.
Now, we know it’s not the done thing to bring – checks notes – men’s football into this, but the Euro ‘96 vibes are undeniable. Slow start against Alpine country? Check. Rousing victory over another home nation? Check. Game-changing gubbing of top-tier opponents? Check. Heroic quarter-final win over an aggrieved and unfortunate Spain? Ay caramba! There’s still the chance of a Wembley showdown with Germany, but don’t worry – Stanway has helpfully flipped the timeline from 1996 to 1966. Hold on, what’s this unpleasant sensation in our chest? Is it … pride? Time for another lie down.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I took them and … I thought I was going to die. I just didn’t know who I was. I couldn’t remember where home was” – a powerful interview with Chris Kirkland, who tells Ben Fisher about his addiction to painkillers and the steps he has taken to tackle it.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Not only is the latest Women’s Football Weekly pod fresh out of the box, but so too is Football Weekly Extra.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Alex Brown’s letter about the fact ticket prices for Fulham v Liverpool could easily have been higher and still sold out (yesterday’s Fiver letters). Surely the point is not that he is correct in his assertion, but that it is neither morally nor ethically desirable for ‘The People’s Game’ to be priced outside the means of many of The People (ie me). And as for paying 25p to read the Fiver tomorrow, count me in. The Fiver is an unnecessary distraction that stops me thinking about work on a daily basis. That has to be worth the occasional 25p, especially if that payment is treated as a bribe and I secure the letter o’ the day” – Colin Reed.
“I’d pay at least 25p to read The Fiver tomorrow” – Adam (and no others).
“You’re probably right that Fulham v Liverpool likely would’ve sold out even if tickets were £20 more expensive. But at what cost to the game as a whole? The price of a ticket has already excluded large swathes of the public from being able to go to games and support their teams, and becoming even more expensive will do so even more. At the Premier League level, in particular, there is so much TV money sloshing around nowadays that clubs should be able to easily cap ticket prices at a more affordable level and maybe, just maybe, attract fans who will follow their teams for decades to come” – Rob Hamilton.
“Re: Halifax Town striker Jamie Allen deciding to take his scoring ability to Love Island (yesterday’s News, Bits and Bobs). So a young striker named Jamie leaves his football club to join the cast of a reality dating show? Life imitates Ted Lasso” – Dan Davis.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Dan Davis.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
The Amsterdam police chief appointed to sit on Uefa’s “independent review” into the chaos in Paris at Big Cup final is … a senior security officer at Uefa.
New season, same old troubles for Frank Lampard’s Everton, what with a hole where their best player used to be, a fan protest planned at Goodison and now a 4-0 pre-season spanking by Minnesota United in the books. “They have to be better and I have to be better,” he sighed. “The squad has to be stronger than what we saw.”
Manchester City are stepping up their pursuit of Brighton left-back Marc Cucurella but have seen their opening offer of £30m knocked back, with the shrewd Seagulls after £50m. The Fiver predicts a £40m deal to be confirmed in exactly two weeks.
Wolves and Levante have been stretching the concept of a friendly, and the rules of the game, in a pwopa nawty tear-up in Spain. Both sides had two players sent off in the first half by referee Jorge Tarraga Lajara, who then allowed the teams to play the second half with 11 men each. Levante won 2-1.
Tyson Fury will take up some of the time before his inevitable boxing retirement U-turn by sponsoring Morecambe’s shorts this season. “Let’s have a fantastic season and smash it,” he tooted.
And a Munich taxi driver who drove 120km to return Manuel Neuer’s wallet has claimed that he only received a single Bayern shirt for his efforts. “There was only a jersey in the box, not even a thank you note,” sniffed Hazir S. “I have four children … this is a mockery.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Sid Lowe reports on the Spanish funk after their Euros exit.
How the vision of Georgia Stanway put England on the path to salvation. By Jonathan Liew.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
