It’s not unusual for grandparents to interfere in their adult children’s parenting decisions. Many grandparents think that because they already raised their kids, they automatically have the knowledge and skills to deal with today’s teens. According to a C. S. Mott Children’s Hospital survey, 47% of parents and grandparents disagree about what’s best for the grandkids.
When this grandmother claimed to know how to deal with a disobedient 14-year-old better than her daughter-in-law, the mom decided to let the MIL put her money where her mouth was. She asked people whether she was being unreasonable when she refused to pick the daughter up.
A mother was having trouble with her unruly 14-year-old daughter
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Lo and behold, the MIL decided to step in and claimed she could do better, so the mother let her try
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People agreed the woman wasn’t being unreasonable – it was what the grandma asked for
Grandparents are used to giving their children advice, but they need clear boundaries when it comes to unwanted parenting advice
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For grandparents, it makes sense to think they can parent better; they have already raised at least one child. In fact, 50 years ago, the average woman would give birth to five children. Today, this number has lessened by half.
Some grandparents think they know best because they can’t let go of the decision-maker role in the family. Karen Fingerman, who researches relationships between parents and their adult children, told the Atlantic that grandparents are used to telling their kids how to do things from when they were little, and they don’t lose the habit even when the children are well into their adulthood.
“When the kids were babies [they] were telling them, ‘Don’t touch that, honey,’ ‘Don’t cross the street.’ That’s your role as a parent, to tell your kid how to do something better.”
One reason parents get triggered by grandparents saying they’re doing something wrong is that they still long for approval. As parenting expert Susan Stiffelman writes, letting go of the need for a parent’s approval and not taking their criticism personally can help parents a great deal.
Ultimately, parents need to draw clear lines for grandparents on what’s acceptable and what’s not. Bethany Cook, Psy.D., a family systems-oriented therapist in Chicago, told Parents: “A kid needs to know who is in charge in order to feel safe. If they’re getting one message from Mom and a different one from Grandma, it can be not just confusing but destabilizing.”
Parents today also face many new challenges that parents of the past did not
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Quality time with grandparents has a really positive influence on grandkids. They often act as playmates when parents are too busy and are a security blanket for the child. Susan Newman, author of Little Things Mean a Lot: Creating Happy Memories with Your Grandchildren, says it’s a huge plus for children to have someone who is always on their side.
However, when it comes to discipline and a child’s needs, parenting can be a little different from what it was like 20 or 30 years ago. Data shows that both mothers and fathers spend more time with their children than ever before. This is particularly interesting, keeping in mind that, in many households, both parents work.
The concerns of parents today differ from those of parents in the 1980s. Back then, parents worried about their kids’ physical safety the most. Today, mental health is the top priority for many parents. A 2023 Pew survey shows that 43% of parents worry their children might be struggling with anxiety, have depression, or are being bullied.
Parents, and especially mothers, feel increasing pressure to be hands-on. Sarah Ockwell-Smith, British author of parenting and childcare books, writes how women have to excel at their jobs and be perfect mothers. “They are expected to work like they don’t have children and parent like they don’t have a job.”
So, perhaps grandparents don’t actually know best. They didn’t parent their kids in the digital age, where screen time and online safety were major worries. A little more understanding should go both ways: parents might try to understand that grandparents are coming from a good place, and grandparents should admit they’re not very well-versed in today’s parenting and trust their adult children’s parenting decisions.
The mother later posted an update about what happened when the parents picked the 14 Y.O. up
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As no other family members agreed to watch her, people said that the teen probably understood she was the problem
People delighted in how the mother dealt with both her disobedient daughter and the entitled MIL
