Review at a glance: ★☆☆☆☆
Beelzebub, call the lawyers, someone’s libelled the devil. He wouldn’t be seen undead in a place like this.
I mean, really, there’s only so far an angel can fall. Gordon Ramsay’s latest London opening is not, sadly, a shrine to his 2004 show. A chaotic fortnight, that: Ramsay, method-acting his piss-and-vinegar routine, taught suspected celebrities to cook live on air for other alleged celebs across the pass. What mostly materialised was Ramsay calling Edwina Currie a top shagger while Vic Reeves begged for fried eggs.
Ramsay took the name to America for what I’d have called “MasterChef does meth” and a chain of restaurants soon followed. A hit in Vegas, Miami — all the paragons of good taste — this is its British debut, occupying the former dining room of the Hard Rock Hotel, now The Cumberland. They’ve really put the effort in: almost half of the cavernous room has been refurbished.
You’ll only have to eat under a guitar if it’s rammed, then, but perhaps they’ll offer it on request. The alternative is a burgundy room where the only art is photographs of Ramsay standing with his arms folded in front of various backdrops presumably licensed from Zoom. There are trays of fake flames dancing along the banquettes. That forks are not miniature tridents is a missed trick — I can’t believe someone vetoed that but was fine with menus printed to look like headstones. You feel like you’re reading from a Windows 98 screensaver.
In fairness, the tone is set from the off: outside, the logo glows with the same red menace of an Angus Steakhouse and the smell indoors is cheap hand soap and whatever floor cleaner is used to get rid of sick. There is unrelenting club music. It is empty. “I feel,” I said to my fiancée Twiggy, “like we’re first through the door at a student night called Idiot Sandwich.”
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Ramsay, never knowingly promo shy, barely seems to have done publicity for this place. Has he even been here? But fair enough, after his recent Michelin push, Ramsay does TGI Fridays is hardly the best look. Perhaps it is an intended cash cow, a 250-cover canteen meant to offset any losses elsewhere in the company. It certainly costs: a cheap night out this is not. Of the eight mains, six are north of £40, with the signature beef Wellington at £65 (the next day I lunch at Chelsea’s upmarket NoFifty Cheyne, £59 to share). Sides include a £22 lobster tail. Cocktails are mostly £17; the wine list’s opening gambit is champagne from £105-a-bottle, with just three still wines under £50. Wines they pour at speed and in large portions, edging you towards a second bottle. It is easy to resent this sort of avarice encouragement. Ramsay’s Savoy Grill costs about the same for a similar menu, only at the Grill there is a sense of history and far fewer bandanas. Oh, and I’ve never eaten there worried the table might collapse.
Although lukewarm and covered in knock-off Bisto, the steak wasn’t appalling otherwise. I’d have been happy with it in a bowling alley
From the kitchen came a small £16 steak tartare tasting mostly of ketchup, the sort of thing a friend who is quite handy in the kitchen might produce but be unhappy with. Scallops were seared nicely, came with fine pea purée and a decent chicken jus; all that let the dish down was the grit. Lobster risotto, despite overcooked rice and only a very little lobster (“do you have my glasses?” I asked Twiggy), didn’t taste bad, the lobster cooked well and the risotto rich with bisque flavour.
Prime USDA steak, on the other hand? For £75 came a pre-cut slice with the same proportions as Côte steak frites. Which isn’t a slight on Côte — it pisses on this place — but there the steak is usually £20 with unlimited chips. Also, at Côte it’s piping hot with garlic butter, not lukewarm and in a kind of knock-off Bisto. It wasn’t appalling, otherwise. I’d have been happy with it in a bowling alley.
The staff, it is fair to say, deserve better than this. They were all, without exception, kind, attentive and professional. The star’s for them.
Around the same time as Hell’s Kitchen first aired was the original Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares, in which the chef visited comically diabolical restaurants and attempted to turn them around. He should bring it back. I’ve an idea for the first episode.
The Cumberland Hotel, W1. Meal for two about £350; hells-kitchen.thecumberland.com
