Every day, the internet coins a new word to describe a different but hyper-specific type of famous men, and every day, my thirst grows dangerously close to full-blown dehydration.
From golden retrievers to the rat vs frog dichotomy, it seems we’ve lost the ability to be normal about hot, famous men. And that’s fine! And in the service of proper, investigative journalism, I’ve sorted through the internet boyfriend variants and their corresponding celebrities for you. I’ll wait for my Pulitzer in the mail.
Was this a fun excuse to ogle a bunch of famous and good looking men? Yes, and I’m not doing much to beat the hypersexual-gay-guy trope (no word for that one yet!). But it’s also extremely important research… because I said so.
I should preface that all of this is cartoonishly reductive, since no one man is defined entirely by a stereotype. But with all the internet buzzwords about women — pick-me, tradwife, clean girl — I think guys can cop a few superficial ones of our own, right?
The golden retriever
What’s interesting about the trend of naming types of internet boyfriends is how often they veer toward animalistic descriptions — which says something about masculinity at large, if you ask me.
A golden retriever, much like the actual dog, describes a guy with a sunny disposition and an innocent and optimistic smile who basically oozes “who’s a good boy?!” energy. Think celebs who seems loyal, affectionate, and playful. It helps if they’re blonde, but of course they are exceptions to the rule.
Glen Powell, Tom Holland and Ryan Gosling are a few of the celebs who’ve been labelled golden retrievers, but a good fictional example is Andy Dwyer (Chris Pratt) from Parks and Recreation, who I honestly believe would go fetch if you asked him to.
The rat boyfriend
While a golden retriever guy might be sought-after for his infectious spirit, rat and frog boyfriends are alluring for a different reason. Both terms gained traction in 2024, and describe men who look like, well… either a rat or a frog (complimentary).
Beyond a semi-scientific reading of face shapes and general, intangible vibes, there’s really not much else to it, and you’ll see what I mean when I list some examples of each
On the rodent side, we’ve got the archetype’s shining figureheads Timothée Chalamet, Matty Healy, Kieran Culkin, Jeremy Allen White, Josh O’Connor and Mike Faist, the last two of whom caused a bonafide rat infestation on the set of Challengers.
The frog boyfriend
Meanwhile, the frog boyfriend niche is occupied by the likes of Edward Bluemel, Rami Malek and Kumail Nanjiani, with Bradley Cooper and Harry Styles also a part of that subsect, depending on who you ask.
What happens when a rat boyfriend has babies with a frog boyfriend, you ask? Science hasn’t reached the point of answering such questions.
It’s also worth mentioning that there’s plenty of other animal-evoking male archetypes that have floated around in the past, from silver foxes like George Clooney and Richard Gere to bears like Nick Offerman and John Goodman.
The performative male or softboi
A performative male describes the kind of guy who seems to have painstakingly curated a sensitive, intellectual vibe that feels disingenuous, or feels purpose-built to cater to the female gaze. A performative male might read feminist literature, be a Sally Rooney or indie music stan, or wax philosophical about how Barbie actually failed women.
A performative male could also be a softboi, which similarly describes the type of guy who opts out of rugged masculinity in favour of a gentler vibe. The softboi, with his ceremonial grade matcha, is the antithesis of the fuccboi, but his wiley charms can be just as dastardly.
Jacob Elordi and Paul Mescal often cop performative male accusations, especially when the former actor was papped in an airport reading one book with another in his pocket in 2024. Mescal is also a rat boyfriend… I don’t make the rules.
The white boy of the month
One of the buzziest internet terms of late, White Boy of the Month describes a male celebrity who briefly, but very intensely, catches the affection of the internet. The obsession can be borne out of the celeb’s good looks, effortless charm, meme-readiness, or general aura.
Some White Boys of the Month of yore include Logan Lerman, Dylan O’Brien, Barry Keoghan, Nicholas Galitzine, Austin Butler, Jack Quaid and Harris Dickinson, and the entire cast of the upcoming Beatles biopics, to name a few. Coincidentally, I once had a dream involving all these, but I’m trying to beat the hypersexual-gay-guy allegations.
The beef cake
The beef cake is the antidote to the rat boyfriend — a stocky and/or muscly himbo that’s as blokey as he is cuddly and gentle. Think: Travis Kelce, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Channing Tatum, Steve Howey and Jason Momoa. Ryan Gosling is a golden retriever, but Ken from Barbie? A total beef cake.
We got some more recent entries into the beef cake cohort by way of Heated Rivalry, which made internet boyfriends out of lead stars Hudson Williams and Connor Storrie. They also play hockey in that show, apparently.
The Zaddy
Arguably the most important archetype is the one that started it all, the one filled with the forefathers who look on proudly as their rat underlings wreak havoc on our public consciousness. Enter: the Zaddy, an older gentleman who gives authority but doesn’t sacrifice that certain je ne sais quoi.
Pedro Pascal, Jeff Goldblum, Stanley Tucci, Oscar Isaac and Idris Elba are the zaddy blueprints. Attractive, sophisticated, charismatic, and probably not online enough to even know they’ve been crowned as such.
@pedestriantv Oh to have Jeff Goldblum and Jonathan Bailey as my daddies 🫠 #wicked #wickedmovie #jeffgoldblum #jonathanbailey #zaddy
♬ original sound – PEDESTRIAN.TV
So there you have it. I hope this insightful piece helped you be a smidge more across the internet boyfriends that have riddled your timelines and your every passing thought. Or at the very least, that it gave you a bit of well-deserved eye candy. You’re welcome.
Lead images: Getty
The post Golden Retrievers, Beef Cakes & Rats: A Horny Guide To Your Hyper-Niche Internet Boyfriends appeared first on PEDESTRIAN.TV .
