In October last year, Gold Coast Sun Tori Groves-Little posted a short message to Instagram:
"Normalise checking gender pronouns, mine is they/them!"
With one simple sentence, Groves-Little officially became the first out, non-binary player in the AFLW competition.
For those unfamiliar with non-binary gender identity, Groves-Little has a simple explanation:
As in their Instagram post, they also use "they/them" pronouns, as opposed to "she/her" or "he/him".
But, they stress, this doesn't mean that all non-binary people have the same understanding of non-binary gender identity, or pronoun preferences.
"I'm only one non-binary person compared to a lot of others," they said.
"So we all have different opinions, how we feel and how we want to express that."
Just a couple of months after Groves-Little's post, Darcy Vescio — 2021's leading goal scorer — received an outpouring of support from the AFLW community for an emotional video in which they too announced that they identified as non-binary.
Given the timing, one could be forgiven for thinking the two had coordinated their announcements.
"It definitely wasn't coordinated," laughs Groves-Little.
"I [had] told my closest friends, and a lot of them had been a part of the journey as well.
"So by the time I posted on Instagram, people were like, 'oh my God, I'm so proud of you' and stuff, and I was like, 'oh yeah, that's old news.'"
Groves-Little was, however, chuffed to get a message from Vescio after their post.
"I'm no big-name football player at the moment … [so] for Darcy Vescio to message me, I was pretty stoked. And they said, 'I'm really proud of you, and I actually identify as non-binary too.'
"I thought I was getting some top-secret information, but apparently they'd already told Carlton and whoever else," Groves-Little laughed.
Being non-binary meant coming out a 'third' time
For Groves-Little, announcing they were non-binary equated to a "third" coming out.
The first, coming out as bisexual at age 15, also happened on Instagram.
"I actually didn't have that conversation with my parents [first], because I was so scared of what they were gonna say," they said.
"A lot has changed in the seven years that have gone past [since 2015], I feel like being gay or lesbian or whatever is so normal now.
"When I was 15, it definitely wasn't normal for me. I didn't have any role models and that's why I was so scared."
Their second coming out was as a lesbian, the third as non-binary — but this time, they were sure to tell their parents first.
"I think for my parents, who are very laid back and old school, it was a lot of explaining for them.
"I think non-binary is still very fresh for them.
Groves-Little then sat down with their parents and allowed them to ask the "silly and dumb questions".
"It was like an hour [long] conversation … it was that uncomfortable situation where for a split second things can be offensive and confronting, but I think it needed to happen."
By the next day, says Groves-Little, their parents had already adapted to using gender-neutral language.
"My parents were like, this is my child, Tori. And I was like, 'oh my God, that's so overwhelming.'"
Questions welcome about gender identity
While Groves-Little says answering questions about their gender identity can be difficult, they are happy to do so for the purposes of educating.
This includes with their teammates, who they told abruptly after a team meeting one day, prior to a gym session.
"I think I just jumped on the end and was like 'oh, hey, before we go [to the gym], I actually identify as non-binary. So if you don't know what that means, it's like I don't fall in either male or female genders and my pronouns are they/them. So I really hope you can try your best and educate yourself.'
"Now that I reflect back on it, it was probably very blunt on my behalf … [but] I'm one to be very anxious, so I'm not going to make this big announcement face to face with everyone as well. I guess that's why I kind of hid behind Instagram when I posted it."
The reaction of their teammates, however, assuaged their concerns.
"I had support straight away. In the gym, I was already being asked questions like, 'is this right or is that wrong? Or is this offensive?'
"There is actually one teammate who is constantly asking questions, and I think she's annoyed at herself that she asks so many, but it just makes me feel like she's happy to learn.
"I know that she's been educated and that if I ever do get misgendered, I know she's got my back."
Teammates adapting to gender-neutral language
Groves-Little has noticed other changes, too, including the club and their teammates adapting their use of gendered language.
"Everyone has been absolutely outstanding with my preferred pronouns and using non-gendered language.
"It's never like, 'alright girls, bring it in'. It's all just [gender] neutral, like 'come on, crew'.
"We've gone from using 'girls' to athletes, footballers, everyone, and a word I tend to use a lot at the moment is 'folks'.
"In a way, I hate it, because it's like, 'oh, we can't say this because of Tori, we can't do that because of Tori' … but I'm glad because I feel like that's the way society should be. We shouldn't have to use those gendered pronouns to single people out."
This raises an obvious question: does Groves-Little feel uncomfortable playing in the AFL "women's" competition?
"It doesn't make me uncomfortable in any way," they said.
"So for me, it's actually something that I'm really proud of … The W means everything to me."
They acknowledge that for some, this answer might seem "contradictory" with their identity as non-binary.
However, it is recognition of their experience of AFLW's culture of inclusiveness.
"When we're only playing 10 rounds [a season], and we've got a whole round dedicated to pride, I just think it's amazing and our growth is just soaring.
"The AFLW is just such an open and welcoming community that I feel like there's no other league that could be created or changed in whatever format that makes me want to be a part of it."
'I want to help the next generation'
Moving forward, Groves-Little has a simple message for how to make the competition even more inclusive from an LGBTQI+ perspective.
"What I'd like to see grow or change in the future is not the stuff we already know … like bisexual, gay, lesbian … it's about those identities that aren't spoken about. So it's the non-binary, the asexual, the intersex, the stuff that's not necessarily covered that needs more education for everyone."
They also hope that two players coming out as non-binary will create a legacy for others who may be questioning their gender identity.
"I guess at the end of the day I was the first person to come out as non-binary and it's something I'm very proud of.
"But I don't want to be seen as that poster person, for I guess, coming out.
"I'm not a pioneer and I'm not paving the way, Darcy and I are doing that [together] and I feel like if we build together we can achieve more together.
"I want to help the next generation — like I'm one of six kids, and the youngest one is nine years old. So hopefully when she's all grown up, and she feels comfortable in who she wants to be, I hope it's easier for people her age."
