Reality star Gemma Collins walked into the kitchen, picked up a knife and ran its blade around her arm in front of her horrified parents. She was just 13 at the time.
It was a cry for help as bullying and teenage pressures took a toll.
But the family would never speak of it again – her parents praying it was a one-off and Gemma petrified that talking about it could lead to her being “sent to a mental asylum for life”.
It was, she says, the proverbial elephant in the room.
But Gemma’s pain – mental and physical – would continue, a sad ritual to be carried out in secret.
Now, for the first time, she has confronted the issue head-on for the Channel Four documentary Gemma Collins : Self Harm and Me.
The programme is raw, emotional and reveals Gemma at her most unfiltered – a far cry from her public persona as “The GC”, a larger-than-life character who has appeared in a string of TV shows.
The TOWIE star talks with psychotherapists, self-harmers, friends and family to understand what drives people to such lengths.
Gemma today reveals “priceless” therapy has helped her to cope.
And recalling her teenage hell, she says: “My parents were in the kitchen and I just walked in. I think I’d done it before, but it was a bit of a cry for help. I did it in front of them and they were just in shock.
“There was this silence and we never spoke about it again.
“I can remember I was being picked on – just teenage girls stuff.
“Pressure would build up and that was the way that I would deal with it. I felt relief when I self-harmed. It was a coping mechanism for me if I felt stressed.
“But I just couldn’t talk about it. When you do it for the first time you don’t know why but you hope ‘I never do that again’ and you hope those feelings never come back that make me want to do it.”
Gemma, 41, wore long sleeves to cover tell-tale marks so teachers and friends never found out.
She says: “I hid it so well. I didn’t do it every day or every week – it was every couple of months.
“But when I did do it, I knew how to cover it up. When I felt pressured I just would cut myself and feel fine again. It was always on my arm and I would feel like the stress had gone.
“But I never ever understood why I did it. People don’t self-harm because they want to kill themselves. It’s really complex.
“When I was growing up you didn’t talk about your problems or aired your dirty laundry in public.
“So when I started self-harming I couldn’t tell anyone because I was thinking I’m going to get locked up, not going to see my family or friends and I’m going to be in a mental asylum my whole life.”
In the documentary, Gemma’s mum Joan opens up for the first time about the incident, admitting she was frightened but had put it down to Gemma possibly copying something she’d watched on TV.
Talking to the Sunday Mirror, Gemma breaks down in tears as she tells of her mum’s tough childhood – and thinks that’s why she has been so anxious to protect her.
She adds: “She was adopted. She can remember when she was a kid being left... I hate that my mum had that bad upbringing. She said when she was a kid no one wanted her and that really upsets me for her.
“But she definitely found making a documentary healing. She wishes there had been the help back then, and she cried when she watched it.
“It’s brought us closer together.”
Gemma has not self-harmed in years. The last time was when she was coping with pressure brought on by appearing on The Only Way Is Essex, the show that launched her to fame.
Gemma even feels that choosing the wrong company or bingeing was a form of a self-abuse.
She explains: “It’s been 10 years since I physically cut myself. I do feel I self-harmed with partners I went out with or with food. You can self-harm in different ways.
“I was on Towie – the show was amazing and I would never change it for the world – but I can remember all this pressure.
I was 30/31 and I was with Rami [Hawash] at the time so he was there and seeing he was so shocked by it made me sort of stop it. He came in and saw all the blood and I thought ‘Oh s**t, he’s caught me’.
“He wrapped my arm up that night. He sorted everything out and he was very scared and it just never left him. I don’t know why but I think I was scared by the realisation of how bad it actually is because for me it just became normal.”
Car repair shop owner Rami, 46, kept Gemma’s secret for a decade.
They later split up but are together again, planning their wedding and hoping to have a baby.
Gemma says his love and support has been unconditional and they are “stronger than ever”.
The urge to self-harm could happen at any time and any place, she says, adding: “When it comes over, you, you just have to do it. It could be any knife you use.
“That’s the weird thing. You actually don’t know when it’s gonna come over you. You can’t plan it. It’s uncontrollable.”
Gemma was spurred on to tackle the subject after the suicide of a good friend last year. And she calls it the “best television I’ve ever made because I am not the GC on there – I am very much myself”.
She goes on: “When I watched it back, I said ‘How the hell did I go through all that alone and not tell anybody?’
“I’m at peace with it now. What I love about this is that it’s so real, it’s so raw. All my barriers are down.
“It’s something I’m so proud of, like I’ve got nothing to hide any more. I’ve massively moved on from feeling that way and out of such a negative there is such a huge positive and it will encourage people suffering like myself to have the courage to ask for help.
“Self-harming is such a strange thing but it’s making people aware of their triggers. I never wanted to end my life. I just wanted help. I’ve had counselling, I’ve had therapy.
“Talking about your problems is very cathartic. It’s been a release.
“It’s gone up into the universe and I feel free now from the pain. I have had intense therapy sessions.
“I did a lot in the pandemic. It allowed me to deal with stuff that I haven’t been able to deal with. I’m not ashamed. I think everyone should get therapy. It’s priceless. Do you want that Gucci bag or do you want peace? You want peace.”
- Gemma Collins: Self Harm And Me is on Channel 4 at 9pm on Wednesday
