When most people think of negotiations, they picture tense head-to-head meetings between people with opposing goals. But most negotiations in daily life are far less dramatic.
"Life is full of negotiations, whether we realize it or not," said Scott Walker, a former Scotland Yard detective and negotiator.
And words you use in negotiations do matter, Walker says. "How you deliver them is just as important. The right approach can change how you experience and handle any situation," he said.
Focus On The Other Side Of The Table
"The key to a great negotiation is to remember it's not about you," said Walker, author of "Order Out of Chaos: Win Every Negotiation." "Focus on the other person's needs, listen deeply and show empathy."
Assumptions about the person you're negotiating with and about the situation can act like ear plugs to the other side.
"When people feel seen, heard and understood they're more likely to work with you. This creates trust, manages expectations and leads to better outcomes," he said.
Ask Open Questions In Negotiations
Open-ended questions encourage people to speak freely and to share their side of the story, Walker says. These kinds of questions can also help clear up misunderstandings.
"In any negotiation, particularly in business, the more the other side is communicating with you, the better," he said.
This is because with each passing second, they are revealing their hand. You'll discover "what's important or not so important to them, their pain points and so-called 'red lines' they can't or won't cross," Walker said. "Further, you learn areas where an agreement may be possible, and much more."
Validate Others In Negotiations
Every negotiation interaction is an opportunity to learn more about the other person.
"When we work with executives, we can see a remarkable shift in their demeanor after we say, 'I was thinking about our last conversation,'" Chip Massey, a former FBI negotiator, said.
"This simple, repeatable technique works so well," he said. "Those who use it will gain trust, respect and influence — immediately."
Massey, who with Adele Gambardella co-founded the Convincing Co., a crisis communications and training firm, says another way to validate is by identifying someone's "unstated narrative."
"One practical way to get to an unstated narrative includes asking someone about their thought process," he said. "This shows you are taking a deep interest in them, especially if you can extract an idea from that method and apply it immediately in front of them."
Practice Forensic Listening And Take Notes
By combining Massey's FBI background with Gambardella's executive communications career, they created a technique called "forensic listening," that is, using scientific methods and techniques.
Massey and Gambardella, co-authors of "Convince Me: High-Stakes Negotiation Tactics to Get Results in Any Business Situation," advise their clients to take "forensic notes."
There are a few key things to watch closely in any business setting most people ignore, Massey says. These include heightened emotions, themes and word choices, along with body positioning and voice tone.
"When and how people pause, what they emphasize and what their tone of voice communicates can be every bit as revealing as the words they use," Massey said. "Review what was said (in order to) reveal a hidden narrative others may have missed."
Be Present In Negotiations Even When You're Not
Not all negotiations take place face-to-face. You might find yourself in an impromptu negotiation during a phone call, for example.
Walker says to utilize words he calls "minimal encouragers" such as "and?" or "really?" or "great!"
"These are important to use particularly during telephone conversations as people need to know that you are listening," Massey said.
And be sure you are really listening. "If you misplace an 'encourager' because you're distracted, you'll damage your credibility and shut down the conversation," he added.
Never Start Off With Your Strongest Point In Negotiations
Leading with your most powerful argument can backfire for three reasons, Gambardella said.
"First, the target isn't primed to your idea and can overcome it by simply stating their pain point," she said. You also risk talking at your audience while trying to make your point as opposed to with them. "Lastly, you have nowhere to go if there's pushback as you've already put forward your strongest argument," she said.
Instead, start with a point of agreement. "Use this to create common ground and watch people become more open to your ideas," Gambardella said.
