If you’ve got an Xbox and any sense, you’ll be spending this Christmas playing the new Indiana Jones game. And perhaps feeling smug about the fact it’s a timed exclusive, leaving PlayStation owners to press their noses against the frosted glass like Victorian orphans.
But dry your tears, PS5 fans, for I have found the game that will save Christmas. And it costs 79p. Say hello, and ho ho ho, to Santa’s Speedy Quest.
I discovered this gem while trawling the PlayStation Store for cheap, terrible games to laugh at on my Twitch stream. (This is also how I discovered the seminal classic Stroke the Beaver, but that’s another story.) SSQ fits the bill, being incredibly cheap (it’s actually only 23p if you have a PlayStation Plus subscription) and ostensibly terrible. But it’s also addictive, hilarious, and much more layered than it first appears.
At one point during the stream, I may have described it as the pinnacle of the video game medium. That might be a bit strong, much like the three pints of Baileys I’d consumed beforehand. But I stand by the assertion that in its own simplistic, fiendish way, Santa’s Speedy Quest is a work of twisted genius.
As you’d expect, SSQ does not have the blockbuster polish and high production values of Indiana Jones and the Great MacGuffin. It looks like it was made in Microsoft Paint. Nor does it contain any original gameplay ideas, unless you count “Flappy Bird, but make it Santa” as innovative.
It’s a collection of eight mini-games. All of them are familiar. None of them would be thrilling offerings on their own. Two of the games are variations on the concept of “dodge the snowball”, the variation being whether the snowballs come towards you vertically or horizontally. There are no collectibles, health potions or power-ups. There is no multiplayer mode, no online play. You can’t even pause it – press start and the game carries on in the background, with the metaphysically challenging message: “YOU CAN’T STOP THIS GAME.”
It’s like Christmas 2008 all over again. Back then, the success of the Wii meant the market was flooded with mini-game collections that ranged in quality from poor to destitute. I was forced to review many of them just to put food on the table on Christmas Day, and ended up having an existential crisis over Hasbro Family Game Night. I’m still not sure it was worth losing my mind for a Viennetta.
But here’s the twist: Santa’s Speedy Quest does not let you choose which mini-game you wish to play. You must play all of them. In a random order. Consecutively, with no breaks. For only a few seconds at a time. At an increasingly fast pace, which ramps up at seemingly arbitrary intervals.
“SPEED IS NOW 1.4X,” the game will shout at you. 2.6X. 3.2X. This presents a peculiar challenge for your brain as it is repeatedly forced to switch between familiar gameplay mechanics running at incredible speeds, with zero notice. All the while, an electro piano version of Jingle Bells loops endlessly in the background, also increasing in speed, so the notes become warped and mangled, as if you’re in a horror film set in a fairground. You can’t stop this game.
And here’s the kicker, the devilish detail that really elevates Santa’s Speedy Quest from below average mini-game collection to diabolical sisyphean masterpiece. The game takes a snapshot each time it boots you into a different mini-game, and when you are returned, gameplay continues from that exact point.
This introduces strategic choices. Do you try to make sure you’re always leaving yourself in a good position to pick up where you left off? Do you attempt to mentally log each state of play every time you’re kicked out, and remember which button to press when you’re returned? Or do you forget all that, and desperately rely on reflexes that are dulled by the fact you’re 47, perimenopausal and have had three pints of Baileys?
Each time you fail at a mini-game it is deleted from the roster, until none remain, and the game ends. You are then presented with a score, and a breakdown of your performance in five key areas – Speed, Coordination, Timing, Reflex, and Decide. There is a leaderboard, populated by believable-sounding player names like SHADOWBLADE23, but it’s fake; there is no online functionality.
I know this because SSQ has really taken off in my Twitch community, but our high scores don’t show up on each other’s leaderboards. Instead we are forced to resort to sharing screenshots on Discord as proof of our endeavours. But it doesn’t matter. We’re having a marvellous time.
That’s because Santa’s Speedy Quest is exactly the game we need at this time of year. Easy for non-gamers to pick up, hard for serious players to master, excellent for reigniting ancient feuds and engendering bitterly fought rivalries. It’s a vulgar, silly, cynical cash-in reliant on outdated ideas and sentimental nostalgia. But isn’t everything at this time of year?
