The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. No one could ever accuse Kate Forbes of not being open about her beliefs. It’s just not entirely clear why so many people ever imagined she might win the leadership of the Scottish National party. But Kate was on a mission. To torpedo her own career at the earliest opportunity.
Within a few hours of launching her leadership campaign on Monday lunchtime, Forbes had given a series of interviews in which she restated her opposition to same-sex marriage. The Bible didn’t like it, she insisted. Her hands were tied. She didn’t quite get round to saying that several of her fellow SNP MSPs and MPs were damned. But give her time.
You might have thought that was a one-off. That Kate’s minders would have nobbled her. It’s OK that you’ve got all that off your chest, now talk up your more socially liberal side. We’re meant to be a progressive party after all. But no. Forbes was determined to double down. This time a TV interview in which she said that children being born outside marriage was “wrong”. Riddled with unoriginal sin presumably.
All this was too much for many of her supporters. It wouldn’t be too long before she admitted to some interesting views on dinosaurs. Clare Haughey, the Scottish minister for children and young people, who had 24 hours earlier been one of Forbes’s nominators, now officially disowned her. Yet another example of the madness that has infected our politics in recent years. Haughey must have known the sort of beliefs held by a member of the Free Church of Scotland. So why did she propose her in the first place? Or did she somehow imagine it could all be kept quiet? Go figure.
The insanity was catching. South of the border ministers queued up to make fools of themselves. First up was Rebecca Pow, the junior environment minister who seems to overdose daily on idiot pills. In a crowded field, Pow consistently excels as one of the least able members of the government frontbench. Speaking in joined up sentences is a major struggle for her. Not even her family can understand a word she says.
Pow was standing in for Thérèse Coffey – the secretary of state who spends most days unconscious in her office; at least that’s the only plausible explanation for her invisibility both in the Commons and the outside world – to answer an urgent question on the performance of the water companies. It didn’t go well. Mostly because Pow seems to think it is an inalienable right of the British to pump shit into their rivers. And to impose massive fines on water companies before every stream is awash in sewage would be a betrayal of Brexit. What was the point of being able to determine your own environmental standards if you weren’t going to lower them at every opportunity?
Understandably this didn’t go down that well. Not even among the few Tories who had come to listen to Pow’s word salad. MPs from both sides tried to gently point out most people didn’t want rivers and beaches polluted and that under the current system it was cheaper for the water companies to pay the fines for pumping shit than fix their systems. But Rebecca was determined to go down fighting. “It’s so easy to stand up with no facts,” she said. It was the closest to self-awareness that she got. You don’t just have to pump shit. You can talk it too.
Junior levelling up minister, Lee Rowley, was also keen to prove his moron credentials when he came to answer a second urgent question on voter ID. It was a massive problem, he insisted, so the Tories were safeguarding democracy. Except it isn’t. There are more Tory MPs facing allegations of sexual misconduct than there have been prosecutions for voter fraud. Come to think of it, there are quite a few more Tory MPs facing allegations of sexual misconduct than a lot of things.
It’s just a non-issue, said opposition MPs. The sole purpose of the legislation is to stop marginal groups – the elderly and the young – from exercising their vote. And only 1% of eligible people had applied for the right documentation. Yeah but no but yeah but no. Rowley snapped back. That was because the other 99% were demonstrating their democratic right not to vote. Weirdly, he acted as if he was going down a storm. Planet Tory is a strange place sometimes.
The stupidity was contagious up in Birmingham where the National Farmers’ Union was holding its annual conference. Starting with Rishi Sunak, who couldn’t even be bothered to attend. As if he imagines that the rural vote could be taken for granted. His two-minute video in which he tried to portray himself as a farmer – “Hi, I’m Rish! I once did some milking in my Gucci wellies up in my Yorkshire constituency. Did I mention my Yorkshire roots?” – went down like a cup of wet sick.
As did the farming minister, Mark Spencer, who at least showed up in person. Not that it did him any good. His announcement of money that had already been announced left everyone decidedly unimpressed. And his declaration that the Australia trade deal had been a thing of wonder was met with open laughter. He had to be reminded by the NFU president, Minette Batters, that a previous environment secretary, George Eustice, had publicly rubbished the deal.
All of which left Keir Starmer facing an open goal. And he didn’t miss. It was as though the world had tilted on its axis. Normally a Labour leader is treated like a hostile alien at the NFU, but now he was welcomed like a new messiah. Delegates almost rushed the stage to wipe the mud from his shoes. “Labour loves farming,” he said. And he would do his best to give farmers whatever they wanted. He would turn a blind eye to people gunning down badgers. He would provide labour. He would get a better deal with the EU.
Mostly, though, he was listening. Pillow talk. To watch it felt like intruding on a private love affair. Keir talked of walking the “fair Dales”. He spoke of Ukrainian farmers “tilling on the frontline of freedom”. He felt their pain. “This is not the place to get party political,” he said. Their love transcended politics. It was just such a Perfect Day. He just kept them hanging on.
• This article was amended on 22 February 2023 to clarify that it is the Free Church of Scotland of which Kate Forbes is a member, not the “Scottish Free Church” as an earlier version said.
