Before we turn to the daily bread of transfer rumours, we must address the elephant in the room, a bit of gossip that the entire country is talking about. According to reports this morning, Jonny Bairstow will be retained for England’s last two Ashes Tests against Australia. Bairstow, who [OK, good one, but that’s enough now, people need to hear the latest on Randal Kolo Muani to take the edge off their commute – Rumour Mill Ed] has struggled with bat and gloves since his return from a hideous leg break, has the full support of [you’re testing my patience here – ed] Ben Stokes and Brendon McCullum.
The England captain and coach will resist calls to replace Bairstow with Surrey’s Ben Foakes, despite Foakes’s [right you little sleveen, I don’t care that it’s not 1973 and physical aggression is no longer encouraged in the workplace, if you don’t start dispensing transfer rumours within the next 10 seconds, I’ll stick the toe of these crocodile leather loafers right up your …] fundamental superiority as a gloveman.
Another six-hitting Englishman, Harold Edward Kane MBE, may have a destination other than Munich should he leave Spurs this summer. According to tomorrow’s digital chip paper, the new Paris Saint-Germain gaffer, Luis Enrique, is exceedingly keen to pair Kane with whoever the hell is left at the club when Kylian Mbappé has finished trying to burn it to the ground.
PSG are also keeping tabs on Randal Kolo Muani – see, commuting isn’t all bad – who has outgrown Eintracht Frankfurt. And they are favourites to sign João Félix, who is training with Atlético Madrid’s academy squad.
Real Madrid want Chelsea’s Reece James to plug the gap left in their treatment room by the departure of Eden Hazard. James, who when fit is one of the world’s best full-backs, would rather stay at Chelsea and has designs on the captaincy now César Azpilicueta has joined Diego Simeone’s laughing boys.
Steven Gerrard said “a family feeling” was one of the main reasons he agreed to become Al-Ettifaq manager, so he’ll be disappointed that his plan to sign Jordan Henderson is apparently doomed to failure.
While Henderson is apparently going nowhere, his teammate Thiago Alcântara could be heading to Galatasaray, with Jürgen Klopp reluctantly accepting that sweet melody and heavy metal don’t always work together. Klopp’s rebuild may also include a move for Torino’s Dutch centre-back Perr Schuurs. A fee of £34m would get the job done.
Another tall Dutch defender – pick these segues out – is reportedly close to signing for Spurs. Wolfsburg’s Micky van de Ven, who captained the Netherlands at the recent under-21 European Championship, is keen to feel the tickle of Ange Postecoglou’s stubble during celebratory post-match hugs.
The England Under-21 captain, Taylor Harwood-Bellis, is wanted by Fulham and West Ham. He has one year left on his Manchester City contract, so if he does one it is likely to be a permanent do one rather than a loan.
West Ham could spend around a quarter of their Declan Rice winnings on Southampton’s James Ward-Prowse and another quarter on the Juventus midfielder Denis Zakaria and Real Betis’s Brazilian centre-back Luiz Felipe. The last time a London club sold a player for such a huge fee was in 2013, when Madrid paid a world-record £85m for Gareth Bale. Let’s be honest, David Moyes could set fire to £105m live on The One Show and he’d have done a better job of reinvesting the money than Spurs did.
Let’s finish with a vidiprinter of odds and sods … Roy Hodgson wants to get his healing hands on Donny van de Beek, though Wolves and Nottingham Forest are also interested … Matt Doherty will return to Wolves after his frankly weird spell with Diego Simeone’s laughing boys … Newcastle may sell crowd favourite Allan Saint-Maximin to fund a move for Harvey Barnes … Manchester United want £50m for Harry Maguire … right-thinking people want world peace … Chelsea are looking at Montpellier’s young forward Elye Wahi … and Jonny Bairstow has been retained for the next Ashes Test
