Neymar to Chelsea, eh? What a coup that would be for the Premier League! There’s more chance of Boris Johnson remembering his mobile-phone passcode before sundown, alas, but it’s our job to report every bit of BIG gossip, however improbable/unashamedly made up to lure a septillion suckers with a delicious bit of clicky bait.
In an unrelated development, there are sensational rumours that Kylian Mbappé will quit football to become a subeditor on the Guardian sports desk. Mbappé, 24, said he was keen on a new chall … oh never mind.
A far more credible rumour is that Manchester City’s Riyad Mahrez will become the latest thirtysomething to earn enough Saudi riyal to fill a giant jacuzzi. He’s wanted by Al-Ahli, who are reportedly preparing a £30m bid. How do you prepare a bid? And while we’re at it, how do you vandalise a swimming pool?
Liverpool’s Fabinho, a mere slip of a lad at 29, may also be on his way to the Saudi Pro League. Al-Ittihad are prepari- considering a £40m offer. That sound you can hear is the calves of footballers up and down the country twitching in hope of a less painful existence.
Jürgen Klopp’s midfield rebuild is in full swing, with Thiago Alcântara apparently considering a return to Barcelona, a decade after leaving the club in medium dudgeon. And Klopp is still keen on Southampton’s brilliant teenager Roméo Lavia. No bad gags here, just heartfelt praise for an elite footballer.
The world and her husband want Chelsea centre-back Levi Colwill, the England Under-21s defender who is yet to sign a long-term contract at Stamford Bridge. The latest club to join the queue – which has just snaked past that iconic King’s Road store, Carphone Warehouse – are Tottenham.
Spurs will reportedly offer Harry Kane £400,000 a week – that’s 800 monkeys to you and me – to sign a new contract. And the Everton manager, Sean Dyche, is very keen on Alméria’s Malian forward El Bilal Touré.
The most polite manager in football, Aston Villa’s Unai Emery, is quietly having a good window. Having already signed Pau Torres and Youri Tielemans, he is now considering moves for Bayer Leverkusen’s Moussa Diaby, Nottingham Forest’s Brennan Johnson and Atlético Madrid’s João Felix.
Wolves are interested in Liverpool’s number-two (that’s not a scatological criticism, he’s really good) goalkeeper, Caoimhin Kelleher; if he signs, José Sá could make the 63-mile journey to Nottingham.
Forest are also keen on Fulham’s Willian and Ivory Coast midfielder Ibrahim Sangaré, whose club, PSV Eindhoven, require 30 million reasons to sell one of their better players.
Finally, Besiktas x Rob Holding is being discussed on the old socials, as is Callum Hudson-Odoi x Crystal Palace, or Fulham, or Forest.
