PUTTING THE GROSS INTO ‘GROSS SPEND’
And breathe. The Sky Sports Countdown Clock has finally hit zero. Fabrizio Romano has switched off his phone and gone for a long, well-earned lie down. The legions of football fans on Social Media Disgraces with no apparent interest in actual football have gone silent. Finally, the summer transfer window has closed. Praise the lord with a loud hallelujah.
With apologies to The Fiver’s excitable speculation-mongering half-brother the Rumour Mill, the comparatively sane among us remain unmoved by speculation regarding this relentless horse-trading. We view the breathless tweets and counter-tweets, rumours and counter-rumours of those tasked – and often enthused – by this kind of nonsense with a jaundiced eye. We prefer instead to just wait and see. Wait and see who’s gone where for how much once the dust has settled at the end of this unseemly, increasingly obscene and vulgar global summer trolley-dash.
Based in a rudderless country facing a cost of living crisis, where in one of his final speeches the sitting prime minister advised people – hundreds and thousands of them match-going football fans – facing winter misery or worse to replace their old kettle with a new one in order to shave £10 off incoming energy bills of more than £7,000, the Premier League’s astonishing net spend of £1.13bn (next highest: La Liga with £40m) should be a source of acute embarrassment, but is being trumpeted in all the usual places as some sort of triumph. As if it really doesn’t matter that we mugs are being grifted til our pips squeeze in order to help pay for all this.
[We interrupt this Fiver to bring you news just in from the Fulham website: “All seats in the upper tier at the Fulham v Chelsea match are priced at £100 for adults and concessions, £70 for juniors, and are now on sale to supporters with a previous booking history.” £100! To watch Fulham play one football match! Fulham!!!]
And now, the postmortem reports. Who has had the best transfer window? Who has had the worst? All full of conclusions, many of them based solely on the fees paid for players who have not yet yet kicked a ball for their new clubs and many of whom will end up proving disastrous wastes of money. On the face of it, Manchester City, Newcastle, Leeds and Southampton appear to have done pretty good business, while Bournemouth and Leicester have not. For better or worse, Nottingham Forest have done more summer business than any club in top-flight history, spaffing £139m on 21 players who may or may not keep them up. Is that a good window? Is that a bad window? The debates will rage, but only time will tell, so let’s just put the kettle on – no, not that kettle, the new one, we’re not made of money – and wait and see.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We have certainly found there is no one ready to do us a favour. It’s the narrative regarding us that has changed. If there is anything domestically, teams will put their price up if it is Newcastle. There is a real feeling of us knowing we are against everybody else” – poor Magpies manager Eddie Howe complains about Premier League rivals inflating transfer fees for the Saudi-backed club, having only managed to relieve his owners of £115m or so in the summer transfer window.
FIVER LETTERS
“I’m currently refurbishing my tired-looking house in the Netherlands and I use a website to hive off my possessions. You take a photo, bung it online and invite buyers to fetch the items for nothing. It’s a neat arrangement but sometimes even a freebie doesn’t shift. An armchair has been on offer for weeks, and I’ve named it Cristiano” – Lindsay Williams.
“With the weekend’s Premier League fantasy football deadline approaching, any help with my striker dilemma: should I keep faith with Jesus or is Darwin the natural selection?” – Sian Williams.
“What on earth inspired Manchester City (yesterday’s Fiver) to welcome Manuel Akanji with an arch of lightsabers? Is he really a Jedi?” – Natalie O’Tham.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Sian Williams.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Newcastle’s owners were left shaken after a motorbike ridden by two men in balaclavas was driven towards pedestrians before the game at Liverpool. “The bike flew right by us and could have hit us easily,” said co-owner Mehrdad Ghodoussi. “It was a scary incident. Amanda [Staveley] was pretty shaken up.”
Brendan Rodgers has accused Wesley Fofana’s people of taking a “cheap shot” at him after a supposed update from the now-Chelsea defender on Social Media Disgrace Instachat. “The post was probably … from people and representatives,” sighed Rodgers in the wake of a 1-0 home loss to Manchester United. “The kid is a great lad.”
Good news for James Tarkowski: Jürgen Klopp isn’t expecting Darwin Núñez to stick the nut on anyone if he returns for Liverpool in the Merseyside derby. “He learned the lesson,” soothed Klopp. “When I give him a high five I slap his neck as well so he doesn’t forget [his suspension]. That can stop now.”
Speaking of red cards, Alfredo Morelos is back in the Rangers squad for Saturday’s Old Firm date at Celtic after serving his latest suspension. “I had a good talk with him last Sunday and I think he understood the message and also worked hard to be back and to help the team,” soothed manager Giovanni van Bronckhorst.
Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang will not play for Chelsea until he’s visited the Premier League’s mask-making shop. “We must make sure that he gets a mask to protect his [broken] jaw,” tooted Thomas Tuchel. “So we will start to try with a mask from next week.”
Diego Simeone has come this close to admitting that the only reason Antoine Griezmann – who has scored twice in three substitute appearances – is not starting games is because Atlético Madrid will be forced to pay Barcelona £35m if he plays 45 minutes in more than 14 matches. “You have known me for 10 years now,” he sighed. “I am a man of the club and I always will be.”
And Serie A has put a four-hour limit on floodlight use in stadiums to help the country’s response to the energy crisis.
STILL WANT MORE?
Will Unwin has a delve inside Nottingham Forest’s wild window.
Your 10 Premier League things to look out for this weekend are right here.
Karen Carney on Chelsea and Thomas Tuchel’s tough love.
“Those who ignore the chasm are burying their heads in the sand. Scotland’s top flight has the unpredictability of the Boat Race” – Ewan Murray sets up the Old Firm game with an alarming warning over the wider state of fitba.
Roma are rocking in Serie A. José couldn’t, could he? Nicky Bandini checks in.
The WSL season is looming so get ready with our team guides: … No 1: Arsenal and No 2: Aston Villa.
And if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
