It wouldn’t be Final Fantasy without airships, chocobos, and moogles. And as the recently surfaced Final Fantasy VII Rebirth ESRB rating reveals, cigars, cleavage, and impalement are apparently just as essential to Square Enix’s vision.
Given that ESRB ratings are meant to warn players about potentially scandalous content, it’s natural that what’s revealed in the listing is mostly Final Fantasy VII Rebirth’s raunchy side. What’s more interesting is how much information we can glean on the game’s likely content from a few choice dirty words.
To start with the most risqué notes, “Some female characters are designed with revealing outfits (e.g., deep cleavage)” and someone, at some point, delivers the line “Just admit it. You’re obviously captivated by my bodacious beach bod.” The original Final Fantasy 7 and Rebirth were both pretty horny games, so it’s no real surprise that Rebirth will continue gawking at women’s bodies.
The “bodacious beach bod” line, however, seems to be what’s really captivating fans, who are eagerly voicing their guesses (and hopes) at who will deliver that bit of poetry. In a poll on ResetEra, Barret took a clear lead the day the listing was revealed, though others point out that it could fit into a scene from the original where the party runs into Hojo on the beach. We do know that the gang will travel to Costa del Sol in Rebirth, so there’s a good chance the Hojo scene will appear in some fashion. Either way, that seems like the right opportunity for the game to show off someone’s bodacious beach bod, whoever it is.
To be honest, almost any character in the game could be a candidate if it’s said as a way to tease the ever-grouchy Cloud. Speaking of our pointy-haired hero, the rating notes also mention that “as Cloud, players can drink a version of moonshine while at a bar; cutscenes sometimes feature [intoxicated] characters slurring their speech.” There’s not much more to say about that one. I just like the image of Cloud taking a break from pursuing Sephiroth to get messed up on bathtub hooch.
There’s less mystery around another spicy section of the rating summary, which points out “characters smoking cigars” and “the words ‘sh*t,’ ‘a*shole,’ and ‘pr*ck.’” Once again, Barret could absolutely be responsible for all of these, but there’s another Final Fantasy VII character who fits the bill even better. It’s already been confirmed that everyone’s favorite potty-mouthed, chain-smoking engineer Cid will make an appearance, but unfortunately not as a playable character. Still, the listing suggests he won’t lose any of his particular brand of charm when he shows up.
Even with the possibility of Barret in a Speedo on the line, another detail that’s gotten quite a bit of traction from the ESRB rating summary is one of the least evocative. “Cutscenes depict further instances of [brutality], sometimes with splatters/pools of blood; characters impaled or slashed by swords, sometimes with slow-motion effects.”
On the one hand, Final Fantasy VII features plenty of swordplay and resulting pools of blood, so that sentence could refer to pretty much anything. On the other hand, you can’t mention a character being impaled in the game without people immediately thinking of that one scene. You know the one.
Final Fantasy VII Remake is a game about rewriting Final Fantasy VII, so much so that we can’t even say how much Final Fantasy VII Rebirth will follow the original’s plot in the second half. Assuming it roughly sticks to the script, the scene in question should come around the end of this chapter, which has prompted a lot of speculation about what will happen there. It’s a pivotal moment in the original’s story, and in a way, what Square Enix chooses to do with it is the key decision of the remake trilogy.
The ESRB rating summary could hint that the scene is intact in Rebirth, but it could just as easily appear in visions only to be subverted when the moment actually arrives. All we can say for sure is that Square Enix isn’t toning down any of the game’s most suggestive elements, much to the delight of sickos everywhere.
