It’s no secret that disagreements over family finances are a leading cause of marital breakups.
According to financial-well-being app Stackin, 30% of people in a relationship “don’t feel comfortable” discussing money with their partner. Another 31% said they'd had a money-related argument with their romantic partner in the prior 30 days.
Marital money arguments can easily lead to secret-keeping.
In the Stackin report . . .
· 21% admit they hide things they've spent money on from their partner; the figure rises to 28% of 45-to-54-year-olds.
· 20% suspect their partner is being dishonest with them about their finances.
· 13% have debt they're keeping secret from their loved ones.
There are valid reasons that couples don’t like to talk about money. Those discussions can lead to angry exchanges about big household money issues down the road.
“Disagreements about money usually come from a place of fear, which in itself means that strong emotions are involved,” said So Synced relationship expert Jessica Alderson. “People often become more defensive and argumentative about money than most other areas because it's so deeply personal.”
Stop Heated Money Arguments Cold
It doesn’t have to be that way. There are effective methods of mitigating money arguments -- but both parties need to make the effort.
Here are five ways to keep calm when discussing personal financial matters with a spouse or partner.
Be honest. Being transparent is key to stopping big money free-for-alls before they start.
“It might seem easier to hide things -- like credit card or student loan debt -- until you’ve sorted them out, but life is unpredictable,” said Freelancer smart-shopping expert Trae Bodge.
“When unexpected things pop up, like a layoff or a medical situation, then your partner will know that you’ve been hiding important and sensitive information, which can erode any trust you may have established.”
Make peace with your differences. Accepting your differences is essential for a harmonious life together.
“If you're annoyed each time you don't agree with your partner's spending habits, you'll become resentful,” Alderson told TheStreet. “You'll end up arguing and feeling bitter toward each other. Remind yourself that you are both choosing to stay in the relationship and that it will involve compromises on both sides.”
Reframe your perspective. Change your perspective on money and start looking at it as an opportunity to grow together rather than a source of arguments.
“This doesn't mean that you start agreeing with each other on every financial decision, but it does mean reframing the way you look at money and turning it into a positive instead of a negative,” Alderson noted. “Learning to save and invest together can be very rewarding in the long run.”
You can also educate each other during the process. “That way, you'll be able to learn to understand each other's thought processes around money in a more intricate way,” Alderson said.
Think of yourselves as a team working to solve a problem. If either partner gets defensive about money, remind yourself that you're on the same team.
“Instead of pointing fingers and blaming each other for the money arguments, try to focus on solutions and compromises,” Alderson said.
“Think of yourselves as problem-solvers, and don't get too hung up on who's right and wrong. Take a step back, take a deep breath, and think about what the best course of action would be for both of you as a couple.”
Eliminate all name-calling, finger-pointing, blaming, and shaming. A toxic relationship cannot thrive.
“Angry outbursts chip away at the love and trust that a couple has for each other,” said Marriage Restoration Project founder Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin. “Take ownership for your feelings and frustration by focusing on why your spouse’s actions disturb you.”
It’s also worthwhile having a discussion about your childhood experience with money.
“How your parents viewed money will impact the role money plays in your relationship and may be the source of potential conflict between the two of you,” Slatkin added. "Getting conscious about the role money played in your home growing up will help you navigate some of these issues together.”
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