In the end, it was Mariah who did it. I had been trying so hard not to cry, and in fact was feeling quite cheerful about the baby starting nursery and me reclaiming some precious time, which I am mostly planning to use by lying on the floor. Besides, the bairn is a socialite, so is thrilled to be hanging out with so many other babies. The first day of settling in went well. I was feeling buoyed. Until Always Be My Baby came on, that is.
I wept. People said I would, but the force of the emotion surprised me. “It can be hard for the mums,” the kindly staff had said. You’re telling me. I thought I had got used to the mixed emotions that come with parenthood. I hadn’t foreseen bawling at 90s pop hits. But I know that some songs will always be different for me now. They’ll come on in shops when I am 50 or 60 or 70 and hit me with the full force of how it feels to love him and miss him at all the ages he has ever been.
