RED VAN MAN?
Sometimes the transfer market resembles one of the more elaborate submissions for the Turner Art Prize, as if conceived primarily for shock value rather than any reasonable standard of beauty or efficacy. One day it will be revealed that Mesut Özil’s Arsenal contract was created from microscopic reproductions of Dr Crippen’s moustache, that the fee Manchester United paid for Paul Pogba was delivered to Juventus entirely in the form of pickled sharks, and that David Luiz’s’s towels are fashioned out of kitten eyebrows interweaved with hyper-absorbent rhino ear-hair. Meanwhile an entire wing of the Tate Modern will be dedicated to the works of Mino Raiola, where men with metal-rimmed glasses and hipster beards will stroke their chins pensively while discussing, on a vaguely related theme, whether it is indeed the case that the first two initials in JMW Turner’s name stood for Jorge Mendes.
It is currently hard to tell if Virgil van Dijk is actually still a footballer, or some kind of installation who exists only to provoke debate and controversy. Is he staying or going? What is his value? What is value anyway? If a footballer’s “price” in the “market” is a reflection of his on-field performances, how has Van Dijk’s managed to rise by £20m over the last five months, when he has been knacked for four-and-a-half of them? Does he intend to join Manchester City, Chelsea, Everton, Arsenal or Liverpool, or to remain in Southampton? Is harmony achieved in the composition through formal, asymmetrical, or intuitive balance devices?
The story in brief: 13 months ago the Dutchman penned a new six-year contract with Southampton, legally tying himself to the club until his early 30s. “I’m so pleased, I’m so happy,” he trousered. “The club is growing and I definitely want to grow with them, that’s how I feel. Hopefully we can make it happen.” Now he feels he has outgrown them, while the only thing he still hopes to make happen is a move to Liverpool. His six-year contract quelled transfer speculation for less than six months, by which time rumours had started proliferating like rats in a particularly fetid sewer. According to the national press in January, Southampton were valuing him at £50m, in May at £60m and in June at £70m, while chairman Ralph Krueger publicly insisted all along he was going nowhere. “Virgil is committed to us for a long time,” he said in February, “and we don’t see anything but that in our future.”
In the last 24 hours widespread media reports have claimed Van Dijk has decided to join Liverpool “because”, to quote the Mirror, “of the vision Jürgen Klopp sold to the defender”. Southampton read these reports with arched eyebrows, in the belief that the only people actually permitted to sell Van Dijk anything to do with vision would be opticians and double glazing salesmen, and then they phoned the Premier League and said something along the lines of, “Oi”. The Premier League is investigating.
And thus we are presented with another summer Southampton-Liverpool transfer saga, which will be welcomed by fans of seminal 2014 pieces “Adam Lallana” and “Dejan Lovren”, the 2015 conceptual work “Nathaniel Clyne” and 2016’s “Sadio Mané”, but which others will inevitably consider somewhat derivative. Sure, it’s not groundbreaking, but in The Fiver’s view compared with the artist’s previous work the composition on this occasion is more refined, the colours more vibrant, and yet it still conveys the same essential message which – and our art appreciation isn’t always up to much but we think we’ve got the measure of this one – is something along the lines of: “Dear God please make it stop.”
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I loved him. He was everything that you want in a Newcastle player. Life is not fair sometimes and I will remember Cheick Tioté as a giant of a midfielder whom I loved to manage” – former Magpies manager Alan Pardew on the desperately sad news of the Ivorian’s death, at the age of 30, after reportedly suffering a heart attack while training with Beijing Enterprises in China.
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“Not wishing to be pedantic, but I must take issue with Mitch Abidor’s use of the word ‘pedantic’ when referring to the MTA information site (yesterday’s Fiver letters). ‘Pedantic’ implies an unnecessary concern with low-level details, whereas a route map, timetable, etc would merely provide accurate factual information” – Neil Bage.
“Re: yesterday’s Fiver. I’ve just bought my popcorn ready to sit back and read the feedback and calculations from your plethora of aerodynamics experts bound to take the bait for the next three days or more” – Julian Dark.
[Tumbleweed]
.@thefiver 's worst nightmare https://t.co/kudqm6EEGd
— Ben Osborne (@bosborne17) June 5, 2017
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BITS AND BOBS
The 2022 World Cup has been plunged into doubt after Qatar’s neighbours broke off diplomatic relations and blockaded its borders.
Real Madrid mastervillain Pepe will leave the club on a free transfer this summer … and he could be Premier League-bound. Woof! “I’ve had years of great pride in which I have given my body and soul,” he cooed, after writhing on the floor for a good few minutes. “I’m happy for the love of the people, and that’s worth more than everything.”
Dortmund have appointed Peter Bosz as their new head coach. “I have mixed feelings about this move,” sniffed Ajax suit Edwin van der Sar. “When we brought Peter to Ajax last summer it was not the intention that the partnership would end after one year.”
Luciano Spalletti should imminently be announced as Inter’s new coach after flying out to meet the club’s owners in China. “It’s all done because we’ve shaken hands,” he whooped. “I’m one of those old-fashioned types who does things with a shake of the hand.”
Arsenal’s first summer signing is Bosnia-Herzegovina left-back Sead Kolasinac, who’ll pitch up at the Emirates on a free next month.
Meanwhile, over in the USA! USA!! USA!!! …
England captain Steph Houghton is targeting Big Cup glory after extending her contract with Manchester City Women. “I am looking forward to working with the team next season to challenge for even more titles,” she cheered.
And Arda Turan has been dropped by Turkey amid reports he had a full and frank on-plane discussion with a member of the press pack.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
Here’s David Squires on Real Madrid’s Big Cup win, Him and Po’ Gigi.
THE RECAP
Sign up and receive the best of Big Website’s coverage, every Friday, it says here. Seems to be a curious lack of mentions for The Fiver …
STILL WANT MORE?
With one swish of his left boot, Cheick Tioté was a Newcastle cult hero: Nick Ames pays tribute to the Ivorian midfielder.
When England’s players met the Royal Marines – in pictures.
It’s been the same old same old at the top of most major European leagues this season, but does this signal unhealthy spirit-crushing predictability, or is there a good deal more going on than that? Our writers give their verdicts.
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