One mother shares the anger and resentment of having an absent mother who prioritised everything but her - an expert reveals how she could move on from her feelings.
Close family relationships can be tricky to maintain, and everything from a toxic mother to an emotionally immature parent can seriously damage parent/child connections and leave lasting emotional distress. To alleviate the discomfort of a difficult upbringing, experts have found six phrases adult children need to hear from their parents, to heal from the damage of childhood difficulties.
Sharing her story to The Guardian, a mother-of-two reveals she needs advice on coping with an absent mother who appeared to prioritise everything but her. Writing to the publication's resident agony aunt, Philippa Perry, the woman describes being the only child of a single mother. From the age of three, she was often sent to live with her grandmother in France to allow her mother to work.
From that time she rarely saw her mother, at one point going three years and only seeing her once. She believes her mother prioritised work and boyfriends over her, and knowing her mum was lonely, describes feeling "ashamed for not being enough to fill that void."
Now with two children of her own, the woman shares that her mother is no better as a grandmother - she's offered little in the way of support, or let her daughter down on the times she did agree to help. The woman struggles financially, and her mother offers then withdraws financial assistance, opting to live in an expensive area while her daughter lives "in a leaky council flat." With children of her own that she couldn't bear to be without, the woman feels so much anger towards someone who voluntarily left her for such long periods of time.
"The most important thing is that you don’t pass on what was given to you: that feeling of being a chore delegated to someone else for months at a time, rather than a person to love and relate to."
Philippa Perry
Psychotherapist Philippa, is unsurprised the woman has a grudge against her mother, writing "It must have been so painful to feel so rejected." Addressing he disappointment at the woman's mother failing to show an interest in her grandchildren's lives, Philippa makes a good point, saying, "Really, would you want someone who seems, perhaps, lacking in empathy and who appears so devoid of the nurturing instinct to look after your kids? Her reluctance to care for her grandchildren (or any children) might make rather a negative space for them anyway."
While acknowledging it's harder to love yourself when you've never been valued, she assures the woman she's breaking any negative cycles her mum made by being a loving and present mother to her own children, which will make it easier for them to care for their own children in the future. The therapist also pushes home the message that none of the issues her mother carried to make her that way, are her fault, adding "I’m sorry you felt as a child you weren’t enough."
She suggests the woman drop any expectations she has of her mother at all, before making any further attempts to get to know her. She adds "The most important thing is that you don’t pass on what was given to you: that feeling of being a chore delegated to someone else for months at a time, rather than a person to love and relate to."
Philippa concludes "You are angry and it isn’t surprising, but I suspect that beneath your anger lies a great sadness. Your mother was barely there for you while you were growing up. That is a loss to mourn. Maybe, with the help of a therapist, you could go through that mourning and come out the other side feeling more peaceful."
To read more, try these nine behaviours to stay close to your ageing parents, and find out why boundaries in relationships are so important. If you have a critical mum, an expert shares how to navigate your relationship.
