An expert has revealed the things parents should never do when their kids have a tantrum - including using the naughty step. Kirsty Ketley, 42, a qualified early years practitioner has worked with children for over 20 years, and now works as a parenting consultant.
The mum-of-two said that while tantrums are a completely "normal expression of emotion" there are simple ways parents can avoid them altogether. She said mums and dads should distract their child, hug it out and never shout.
She also said that using the naughty step can cause "self esteem issues" and kids simply do not understand it. It was a punishment championed in the mid 2000's.
However, Kirsty believes this punishment doesn't work and can actually be more damaging. Kirsty said: "Giving a child a time out like that, especially when they're really young, is punishing them for acting their age. It's important to have empathy with a child, talk them through their emotions and help them understand. Take them away from the situation, but don't put them on the naughty step.
"Kids don't understand it anyway, and it can cause self esteem issues."
She added: "Depending on the age of the child, tantrums are very common. They shouldn't be seen as bad behaviour - they should be seen as expressive behaviour. It comes from frustration of being hungry or tired, and they haven't got the language skills there yet.
"In the long term, the best thing you can do as a parent is to look for triggers. Usually parents know when their kids are going to have a meltdown, and pre-empting it could avoid it in the first place.
"You can plan things in advance, like controlled choices - which is when you make the child think that they're in control and choosing between two things when in reality you're happy for them to choose both things. For example, getting them involved in meal planning and letting them choose between pasta or curry, so they thing they're choosing and in control when in reality you're happy to do both.
"You can also avoid situations altogether. When my son was younger I just wouldn't go to peoples' houses because it was really stressful, so I'd meet in a park instead."
However, Kirsty admits sometimes tantrums are simply unavoidable, and as a parent you can't always predict when your child goes into meltdown. Once tantrums start, Kirsty says it's almost impossible to "reason" with your child, but there are some other approaches parents can alternatively use.
She said: "Sometimes tantrums can take you by surprise. It can be confusing at times as toddlers don't see the world in the same way.
"When they're having a tantrum, don't shout over them and try to keep calm. It can be hard in public.
"People like to judge but try to take a deep breath and count to ten to keep calm - if you're at home, you can walk away to calm down as long as your toddler is safe. Distractions also work really well. Say you're in the shop and they want sweets, just don't go down the sweet aisle.
"You should try to validate their feelings. This doesn't mean giving into them if you've told them no to something, but tell them why and show them you understand why they're upset.
"Hug it out if you can as well. Some children don't want to but try not to leave them alone when they're upset."
Kirsty's full list of tips on how to deal with a tantrum are:
1. Learn your child's triggers in advance.
2. Avoid situations where a tantrum is likely.
3. Distract your child if possible.
4. Don't shout and remain calm.
5. Use controlled choices.
6. Validate your child's feelings and explain why they may have been told 'no'.
7. Don't use the naughty step.
8. Hug it out if possible.
