Q. My grandmother died eight months ago after a very long illness. She was the rock of our family, and my grandfather was her caregiver. She’s been gone eight months, now. My grandfather has recently started to date a woman he appears to enjoy, but I’m having a hard time with it. I am 22 years old, and I know I should be more accepting, but this is hard. He’s moved on so quickly, and I don’t want another grandmother. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. It’s not uncommon for people who have lost a loved one to worry that accepting someone new betrays the deceased relative’s memory. But it’s important to remember that accepting someone new into the family doesn’t betray a memory if you keep the two relationships separate in your mind — not comparing them but accepting both as individuals. Now you are free to mourn one while befriending the other. It’s never either/or in bonusfamilies. It’s also.
Something to also remember: Everyone approaches grief differently. Eight months may seem like a very short time to mourn. However, people who act as caregivers often mourn their loved one’s passing while their loved one is ill. They know how the illness will impact their life. They know their loved one will not be with them, and their future has changed. What seems to be a short mourning period to the observer may have actually gone on for years. This may explain why your grandfather can move on so quickly. To you it seems like merely months. To him, it’s a lifetime.
