Freedom — the state of not being imprisoned or enslaved. Donna Rose does not hesitate in her word selection when asked to sum up what rugby has given her.
She was branded a thug during her childhood, parents didn't want their kids to play with her and she faced doubts at what seemed like every turn. The Wales rugby international would go on to try to take her own life.
Ten years ago, aged 20, Donna was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, a disorder of mood and how a person interacts with others. Being open about her mental health is now paramount to the Saracens star, even if it helps just one person.
"I’ve been at that point where I thought I was no-one, wanting to take my own life - I’m not going to lie, I have tried a couple of times," Donna tells WalesOnline. "I’ve been in that headspace so I would hate for someone else to be in that headspace."
The prop, who quit her job as a carpenter to become a full-time Wales rugby player in January, compares her condition to Bipolar disorder but explains her feelings of anxiety can be daily rather than weekly. "You’re constantly challenging yourself, like there’s a little voice in the head that’s doubting you, like the devil on the shoulder. Everyone feels anxious at times, but double it and that is what someone with BPD is feeling like most of the time."
It added an extra challenge to her childhood and adolescence, which is why Donna - who lives in Southampton - believes it's so important for people to get their diagnosis early. Teachers, coaches and other parents doubted her, and she was told she would end up in prison.
"When I was a child, mums didn’t really like their kids hanging out with me. But to this day I still have my best friend, I kind of proved his mum wrong. She says all the time she cries when she sees me on TV because she’s so proud and she hates that she judged a book by its cover.
"I didn’t openly talk about my mental health then, so people thought I was just a thug. And then I started opening up and people started to get to know the real me. I thought I was different and I was just on my own, but actually, there’s people out there for everyone."
Daily struggles remain a battle, though. After making her first Wales appearance in 2019, Donna was on top of the world in the post-match cap presentations, on cloud nine. But the next morning, Donna couldn't get out of bed as feelings of being undeserving of such an achievement clouded the occasion.
"I still feel like that every day," she said of those feelings of doubt. "Achieving the contract, I wake up and I think ‘gosh, I’m a full-time athlete now. Am I good enough?’ Every day is a challenge but every day is a new day."
Keeping busy helps, as does hitting tackle pads. Donna can't help smiling as she makes that admission.
"I’ve got more things to think about now, whereas when I was at work I probably had a little bit more time to think because I was working not learning, whereas now I’m learning every day. But I’m just happy now, there’s a weight off my shoulders, I’ve got borderline personality disorder, that is me, I am who I am, I feel what I feel now, and I’m a professional rugby player."
So, how would Donna sum up rugby's gift to her? "Freedom. It stops the inner voice inside my head and gives me something to go for. Like those people said, I’d probably be locked up if I wasn’t playing rugby. It’s helped me a lot."
An ambassador for mental health charity Brave Mind, raising awareness of mental health isn't the only reason Donna is so transparent about her journey. Coming from a traveller background, the 30-year-old forward - who converted from back-row to prop just two years ago and started playing tighthead only 12 months ago - wants to inspire everyone to pursue their dreams no matter where they come from. Her plea is for others not to judge.
"I want to represent my community and show everyone I can excel at something I love. Travellers do have bad names and get judged a lot. There are some travellers out there who have been brought up different, but there are non-travellers who have been brought up different.
"It’s really important for me to let people know not every traveller is a thug. We live where we live, we are who we are, we like to ride horses, we love our family.
"Travellers have very strong morals and that’s why I have strong morals. I’m a very family-oriented person. That’s why the team means so much to me, and the support I get from my travelling community is amazing."
Grand-daughter to a Welshman from Swansea, nine-cap Donna has actually been dubbed the coolest member of Wales' squad this Six Nations, an accolade from fellow Wales forward Alisha Butchers, who pinpointed Donna shadow boxing in a Tyson Fury 'Gypsy King' hoody as the moment which sealed the title for her.
"I'm a massive fan of Gypsy King - I love him," Donna says. "I do have a bit of his merchandise. It was a brand new jumper, actually! I was saving it for a special occasion but it was in the draw collecting dust so I thought this is the right time to wear it."
The start of the former hockey player's rugby journey began in her teen years when she was 16. "A friend said to me 'come on, you're a bit roughty-toughty, you should come and give rugby a go'. First game I was on the wing, just picked up the ball and ran, I think there was a ruck and I just jumped on top of it because I didn't even know what I was doing! But I scored a try and never looked back." She started out at Wimbourne RFC and then spent 12 years with Trojans before Sarries came calling in 2019.
Like most of her Wales team-mates, Donna had always combined playing rugby with full-time work. She was a chef until five years ago when she realised she wanted to commit more time to her chosen sport. So she became a carpenter. She would until around 4pm and then drive from Southampton to either London or Wales' Vale HQ for rugby training or games.
"I know I'm a more hands-on person and I like building - I liked Lego growing up! I thought building houses might be for me so I found an apprenticeship. I've only been qualified for about two years now but I worked for a maintenance company. Around Christmas time was my last day."
The biggest change since becoming a full-time pro in January, you ask? "I'm getting more sleep!" she laughs. "I live in Southampton and I play for Saracens and I travel to Wales so I was getting home from work as a carpenter, showering, leaving straight away then either travelling two hours to Saracens, sometimes longer, or two and a half hours to Wales, not getting back until 12.30am and then getting up at 6am for work the next day and repeating that. I didn't really have a chance to sleep! Now I have a few rest periods."
She has emerged as something of a standout Wales star during the Women's Six Nations campaign, coming off the bench in the 62nd minute when Wales were 19-10 down to score two tries within nine minutes of each other to inspire a comeback win over Ireland. Another bench cameo came against Scotland, before a start against the Red Roses last time out, and now she will come on to make an impact against France this Friday night.
"I didn't mind whether I was starting or on the bench - I see us all as one, to be honest. We're a team at the end of the day, we're not individuals."
On the field, that may be. But off it, Donna is using her individual experiences and journey to make the world a more accepting, welcoming and safer place.
"I'm here hopefully inspiring young girls and inspiring people struggling with life. No matter where you come from in life you can always follow your dreams and put your head to it. That's what I would like to inspire."
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