A Nottingham mum who had a stillborn baby says she is still surviving the death of her daughter every day. Hayley Horne, from Wollaton, gave birth to Liliana in April 2020 after being told her daughter had died in the womb at full term.
"I was distraught," Hayley told Nottinghamshire Live. She had become worried about Liliana after she stopped being able to feel her kick days after she was due.
After numerous checks and a scan at Nottingham City Hospital, Hayley and husband Tom Horne were given the devastating news that their daughter no longer had a heartbeat. "When she was born she was 7lbs 13oz and 51cm and to me I still felt like a mum," said the 39-year-old.
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"The massive rush of love you have for your baby whether they're alive or not is amazing, you just can't describe it. It's heart-stopping. She was beautiful, she had loads of curly fair hair and really chubby cheeks, she was so long with really big hands and feet."
Hayley, a broadcast journalist for BBC Radio Nottingham, said she found it "incredibly hard" after the stillbirth. "You're expecting to invite people round to see the baby not planning for a funeral," she said.
She said the grief she experienced after losing her daughter almost three years ago has not got any easier. "I just felt like I was suffocating, it was like a fog that you couldn't get out of because it's on you, around you, it's like grief gets on your skin and makes you feel like you can't breathe and function.
"Your whole body is just full of a fog that you're trying to navigate your way through. Every day I'm surviving the death of my daughter and, as time goes on, it doesn't actually get any better, you just learn to live with it better."
Husband Tom, who is a doctor at Queen's Medical Centre, and family and friends were key pillars of support for Hayley. But the thing she says saved her life was joining a rugby team.
After beginning to exercise to lose her "empty baby bump that was a constant reminder that I didn't have my baby", she was encouraged to join Nottingham-based Mellish Ladies by a friend. "It was the break I needed from my grief," said Hayley. "Because I had to concentrate on learning something new, it was a moment out of the day when I wasn't thinking about how sad I was or how I didn't have my baby.
"My best friend would take me to training and I would cry all the way up until we got on the pitch, I must've just looked a state with my puffy eyes and red face but no-one judged me. If I hadn't have found that and been able to channel that then I would've wanted to be with my own daughter, I would've taken my own life a long time ago."
Investigations into Liliana's death found that she had developed fetal vascular malperfusion, a rare event where lesions on the baby's side of the placenta cut off the oxygen supply. Hayley has since had daughter Mila, who she said she cannot wait to tell about her big sister.
"It's really strange because she's my everything but the more I watch her grow and develop the more I realise what I'm missing out on with Liliana and how sad it is I can't see her grow up. But I get joy every day from Mila and I can't wait to tell her about her big sister."
She added: "The best way to support someone [who has had a stillbirth] is to say 'I'm sorry you don't have your child and won't see them grow up but what would you like to tell me about them?' Everybody wants to talk about the child they've lost because they don't get asked about them often."
If you or anyone you know have been affected by baby loss and want support, contact Sands on 0808 164 3332 or visit www.sands.org.uk/contact-us
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