STICKY SITUATION FOR TOFFEES
It’s not the greatest time to be a fan of Everton Football Club. Admittedly, that’s something that could have been said at pretty much any point during the last 9,776 days – the amount of time elapsed since the club lifted their last trophy, less a week to factor in a brief period of contentment following the winning of that 1995 FA Cup – but here we are. Oh the Ev! Oh Joe, Howard, Walter, David, Roberto, Ronald, Sam, Marco, Carlo and Rafa! Those parvenus across the park have just lifted their 16th trophy during your drought! How on earth has it come to this for the School of Science?
They just can’t catch a break, is how. On the field, they’re mired in relegation bother, hovering inches above the drop zone, a precarious position where every single point is crucial. That may explain why referee chief Mike Riley has personally apologised to latest boss Frank Lampard for the fiasco last Saturday which saw box-bound Manchester City midfielder Rodri catch the ball, bounce it, cuddle it, spin it on his finger in the Harlem Globetrotter style, and theatrically hold it aloft and address it as Yorick, only for VAR operative Chris Kavanagh to somehow miss the entire performance and wave play on. An egregious mistake on the face of it, though you try getting a full and proper view of the screen when your boots are up on the desk.
If that’s not bad enough, things are taking a sour turn off the pitch as well. Russian billionaire Alisher Usmanov has had his assets frozen on account of his being, according to the EU, “a pro-Kremlin oligarch with particularly close ties to Russian president Vladimir Putin”. One of those assets, USM, a holding company specialising in telecoms, metals, mining and Sheriff Fatman earworms, sponsors Everton’s training ground and is chaired by club owner Farhad Moshiri. Exactly what effect this will have on the Ev is unclear, which is certainly not ideal, but let’s search for the positive: if nothing else, the fact that nobody has a clue what’s going to happen, or what to do next, or how to fix it, means both the on- and off-field operations at the club are in lockstep for once.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I can’t stand at the training ground in Moscow and coach the players, ask them to be professional when a few kilometres away there are orders given that bring suffering to the people of a whole country. This is my personal decision and I am absolutely convinced it is the right one” – Lokomotiv manager Markus Gisdol quits in protest at Russia’s war on Ukraine. The club responded to Gisdol’s remarks by claiming he’d been sacked.
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires on … football’s response to the Russian invasion of Ukraine.
FIVER LETTERS
“May I take issue with Edward Deans’s email (yesterday’s Fiver letters), claiming that being an Arsenal supporter and a subscriber to The Fiver is proof of his appreciating a (good) joke. As no doubt 1,057 other pedants have pointed out, this marks him as far more as a fan of the same tawdry nonsense year in year out and vague feelings of disappointment” – Joel Flood (and no others).
“Like Edward, I am also deeply offended by the insinuation that people from USA! USA!! USA!!! don’t have a sense of humour. We elected a president who supplied easy material for comedians the world over, at a considerable expense to our democracy, whereas you folks … oh” – Samik Sengupta.
“I was interested – no, honestly – in the link in Friday’s Fiver to the Notes and Queries piece on Roman numerals. It made me think of the Ancient Roman who walked into a pub, held up two fingers and said ‘five pints of bitter please’” – Andy Korman.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’ the day is … Andy Korman.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Former Tottenham and Crystal Palace striker Chris Armstrong has avoided jail after punching a Tesco worker in the face and causing £2,000 worth of damage to a supermarket. The 50-year-old was fined £180, given an 18-month community order at Westminster magistrates’ court for common assault and causing criminal damage to the store in Chelsea while drunk last summer.
New Leeds boss Jesse Marsch has paid tribute to predecessor Marcelo Bielsa. “My respect and admiration for [him] is massive,” simpered Jesse. “How he’s helped transform Leeds into a Premier League team is pretty amazing.”
Fear not, Manchester United fans: the search for a new manager will be “thorough”, according to club suit John Murtough. “The objective [is] to get us back to challenging for those domestic and European titles,” he roared as financial results revealed the club’s net debt had reached £494.8m by the end of 2021.
Liverpool and West Ham legend Rigobert Song is the new manager of Cameroon.
More pyro, no more party: Harvey Elliott will be given a dressing down for waving a flare during Liverpool’s Milk Cup celebrations. But not too much of one. “I got carried away and I’m nearly four times older than him, so it can happen,” gargled Jürgen Klopp, who also thinks chat about a potential quadruple is “crazy”.
Liverpool and West Ham legend Rigobert Song is the new manager of Cameroon.
Chelsea have drawn Birmingham in the quarter-finals of the Women’s FA Cup, with Arsenal facing Coventry, Manchester City facing Everton and Southern Premier side Ipswich taking on West Ham.
And the latest solution to Barcelona’s problems? Of course, a new cryptocurrency. “We’re developing our own metaverse,” mes-que-un-clubbed chief suit Joan Laporta.
STILL WANT MORE?
“Recognising football’s complicity in war and cruelty also involves recognising that similar corruptions are occurring everywhere one looks”: Jonathan Liew on how the game is waking up to the stench of its own money.
Graham Ruthven looks at the stereotypes of US coaches that Jesse Marsch must overcome when he steps into the Leeds dugout.
Raphaël Jacubin on how fourth-tier Versailles have stepped out of the shadows of the famous palace and romped to the Coupe de France semis and a showdown with Nice.
Sid Lowe reports from a big derby win for Sevilla against Betis.
The story of Peterborough v Manchester City’s only previous meeting, plus Ben Fisher with the skinny on the next one.
Andy Hunter reflects on Liverpool’s Rumbelows Cup triumph and how Jürgen Klopp is creating a culture of continual improvement.
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