Being able to stay at your friends’ house when you go visit can be a huge perk. You don’t have to waste time and money looking for a rental, and, what’s more, you can spend some quality time with people you haven’t seen in a while. That’s if you’re welcome, of course.
This woman, unfortunately, was asked by her boyfriend to vacate her home for his friends who were coming to visit. As she found it incredibly inconvenient, she refused, prompting him to get mad. Looking for a second opinion, the woman turned to people online and asked them whether this made her a jerk.
A couple got into a fight over the boyfriend’s friends who came to visit and asked to stay at her house
Image credits: djoronimo/Envato (not the actual photo)
She refused to host them, but upon receiving backlash from her BF, she decided to double-check online
Image credits: ninelutsk/Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: shotprime/Envato (not the actual photo)
The woman also explained that the friends are like family to the BF, but she has reasons for disliking them
Image credits: Day-Atmosphere344
A home is a place many people prefer to keep private and only for themselves
Image credits: Kelly/Pexels (not the actual photo)
Asking friends to host you at their home (or, like in this case, asking them to vacate their house) might backfire pretty spectacularly. Home is a sanctuary for many people, and they would much rather prefer to keep their private space private.
Professor of Psychology Shawn Meghan Burn, Ph.D., writes that this is the main reason why we feel so much stress when we’re hosting someone. A home, she explains, is a primary space. “[It] is typically a cherished, personal territory where inhabitants have a high degree of personal control over an extended time,” Burn writes.
Unlike second places where people work and third spaces like cafes or stores, a primary territory is a place where we have full control. We de-stress at home because it feels secure and restorative. Houseguests automatically disrupt routines, norms, and roles, making that safe environment stressful.
The woman in this story isn’t familiar with the couple and their children. She mentions in her post how this would be the first time they would see each other. Burn claims that we react so defensively because of the ownership aspect. It’s “our home,” and we don’t want it invaded and contaminated by other people. That’s why it bothers us so much when someone outside our “tribe” forces themselves into our most private territory.
The fact that we have to keep a certain level of politeness can also be tiring. “Maintaining our public face in what is normally a private space for our private face is exhausting,” Burn writes in another blog post for Psychology Today.
There’s nothing wrong with politely refusing to host people for a week, especially when they’re not your friends
Image credits: Ketut Subiyanto/Pexels (not the actual photo)
It can be important to let down unwanted houseguests politely, especially when they’re your partner’s close friends. Saying ‘no’ politely can be an art form in its own right; you don’t want to insult, but you want to be firm at the same time.
Advice columnist Amy Dickinson recommends the following script for refusing houseguests politely: “You mentioned wanting to visit, but I’m finding it very hard to host lately, so hosting you in our home won’t be possible.”
You can always offer an alternative, suggesting a particular hotel or an Airbnb. It’s also polite to let the guests know you’re looking forward to their visit, so saying something like “I’m looking forward to spending time with you during your visit” is also nice.
Ultimately, it’s your house, and you decide who, if anyone, can stay there. Since the woman in this story is not sharing the house with her boyfriend yet, she is the one who decides who can stay there and who can’t. This boundary is not unreasonable, and her partner should be able to respect it without guilt-tripping her.
The woman also gave more details about the friendship in the comments
People validated the woman’s refusal, calling out the BF’s entitled friends
