Why do I keep hearing about the ashes? Whose ashes No, the Ashes: definite article, upper-case A, optional italics for extra emphasis.
OK, so what is the Ashes? The Ashes is cricket’s oldest and most prestigious rivalry, a biennial series of matches between Australia and England that has been played since the 19th century.
Did you get that answer off ChatGPT? Nope, and that’s why AI is such a profound threat to cliche-peddling sports hacks across the globe.
Well, the Ashes sounds like a big deal. The trophy must take some lifting: a 24-carat beauty cast by London’s finest crown jewellers, I trust? Not quite. The thing every English and Australian cricketer wants to get their hands on is a replica of a four-inch terracotta urn.
Go on, explain. In 1882, England established the habit of multiple lifetimes by collapsing shambolically from a winning position, with Fred Spofforth – known as “The Demon” – bowling Australia to victory. The Sporting Times published a satirical obituary to English cricket, which ended with the note: “The body will be cremated and the ashes taken to Australia.” The Ashes originated from a spoof and a Spofforth.
So where does this urn come from? When England arrived in Australia for a return series a few months later, their captain Ivo Bligh told a dinner party of their intentions: “We have come to beard the kangaroo in his den – and try to recover those Ashes.” Most assumed he had embraced the hospitality with zeal as they had no idea what he was talking about. But when England won the series, a group of ladies – including Bligh’s future wife, Florence Morphy – presented him with an urn as a keepsake. Depending on which account you believe, it contained either a burnt bail, a burnt ball, a burnt veil or a burnt stump. When Bligh died, his wife donated the urn to the MCC Museum.
And it still matters now? Yep. Despite plenty of mismatches in the last 35 years, nothing shivers the spine quite like the Ashes. And this series could be a belter.
Why? It’s the most keenly anticipated Ashes since 2006-7, mainly because – and you have no idea how much cognitive dissonance this induces – England have become the most exciting team in the world.
How has that happened? In a word: Bazball.
What’s Bazball? I’m sorry, but I’m not familiar with the term Bazball. It’s possible that it could be a regional variation or a specific term used in a particular context.
You definitely used ChatGPT for that one. Hang on, that was just an initial draft. What I meant to say is that Bazball is a phrase, coined by Cricinfo’s Andrew Miller, that has become a shorthand for England’s new-age philosophy. It means playing with fun and freedom, like when you were a kid, entertaining the crowd and telling fear of failure where to stick its corrosive intentions. Feel free to use the word ad nauseam – except near Baz, because he doesn’t like it.
So who is Baz? Baz is Brendon McCullum, a visionary from New Zealand who was nicknamed Baz during his playing days. He became England’s Test coach a year ago and, along with the new captain Ben Stokes, has turned a lamentable shower (one win in 17) into a breath of the freshest air (11 wins in 13). They are playing arguably the most attacking cricket seen in 146 years of Test matches.
They’re going to thrash Australia, then? Not necessarily. Australia are higher in the Test rankings, which are calculated over a longer period of time, and have just won the World Test Championship. And because of the pressure and the quality of the opposition, the Ashes is the ultimate test of England’s epiphany. A series of this intensity can scramble even the most steadfast noggin. There are enough variables that the result could feasibly be 3-0, 0-3 or anything in between.
That fence looks comfortable. Any clues from recent Ashes form? England haven’t won a series since 2015, and they were pounded 4-0 down under 18 months ago. They tend to do better in home series – Australia drew the last one in 2019, which meant they retained the Ashes, but they haven’t won a series in England since 2001. There’s one golden rule for both teams: start well, because very few teams come from behind to draw an Ashes series, never mind win one.
I keep hearing about English injuries. Is that going to scupper them? The big concern is Stokes, whose knee has got progressively worse in recent years, not helped by his love of never-ending bowling spells fuelled by masochism and martyrdom. He’s more than worth his place as a captain and batter, but if he’s unable to bowl England will struggle to balance their side. The prattle of wounded knee is going to be a feature of the series.
At least it’s not his metatarsal. Right, if I get stuck at the watercooler and someone asks me what I make of the cricket, what should I say? Just say “The Ashes – bloody hell!”, smile enigmatically and spin on your heels. But if you get cornered, talk about Bazball being a state of mind that could teach us all something about how to thrive in an increasingly vituperative, unhappy world.
Who’s going to win? You can ask ChatGPT that one; I haven’t a clue. But it’s going to be fun finding out.
