Two brave Dublin domestic abuse survivors have teamed up with a podcaster to raise awareness about domestic violence signs.
Ashtown woman Priscilla Grainger and her daughter Ainie are the founders of Stop Domestic Abuse in Ireland, which they set up in 2014 after suffering years of abuse themselves. They now run the support group to help others in similar situations.
Now the mother-daughter duo have teamed up with Dublin podcaster and mum of two Rebecca Kelly on her 'Everywhere We Go' show. On Monday's episode, Priscilla and Ainie joined Rebecca on the podcast for a special segment named 'Safe' and they are planning to do a three-part series on the signs of domestic violence, what steps to take, and more.
When asked by Rebecca what domestic abuse is, Ainie explained that it can affect both men and women. She said: "It's when someone physically raises their hand to you, it's when someone emotionally abuses you, speaks to you in a derogatory way and they basically gaslight you.
"It's when they comment on certain things for example what you wear and control. So domestic abuse in layman's terms is not just one household that someone is hitting someone else.
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"It's so many different forms of abuse, so it's not just physically hitting someone. Domestic being in the home violence people think physical or emotional abuse it's ongoing, so a lot of time time people say domestic abuse.
"Regardless domestic violence or abuse, it still shouldn't happen. It's behind closed doors abuse." Ainie said that the situation is "getting worse" by the day in this country.
"You're seeing people every single day not just in the news, you're seeing people on social media crying out for help, on TikTok crying for help. They know they're being abused but they don't know the right steps because they hear all these terms in court like safety barring orders, legal aid etc, they have not got a notion because it's not done in layman terms in court.
Ainie added: "We all think that we're attracted to someone that they're going to treat you properly, that's never the case. So for us it has gotten worse in the last six months helping people we don't even count how many people we help because we don't have the time to count how many people on messages on Facebook that we help."
Ainie said that they "prefer to keep someone alive" rather that putting out statistics. She said that 90% of the people they help are women, and that Stop Domestic Abuse in Ireland receives text messages from women who are unsure about if their situation is domestic abuse and what to do next.
"They will say 'on a Monday he gave out to me for not having his dinner ready but on a Tuesday he could be lovely and bring me out for dinner.' It's the small little things like gaslighting," added Ainie.
She added that stay at home mothers and women cooking the dinner for men is "such an Irish stereotype" and that we "need to stop the stigma of being the breadwinner."
She said: "You shouldn't have to fear that his or her dinner is on the table and that their knives and forks are on the plate, that's completely gaslighting. It's a form of abuse people don't speak about."
Ainie added that domestic abusers may make jokes about their victims over their weight and clothes. She is also urging people not to throw around buzz words like 'red flag' around.
She said: "People often say about red flags in group chats, people joke about red flags but when you're being really serious its not just a toxic trait you have, everyone has toxic traits but some people have it worse than others are typically abusers. It's like a traffic like system; the easiest way to explain is that green light is he doesn't manipulate you, doesn't speak to you in a derogatory or threatening way, doesn't hit you.
"If it doesn't feel right it moves to orange, then when you're really in the red zone you're going 'he didn't hit me but saying go here and there and he's checking my phone that's like warning signs that you need to get out now."
Meanwhile, Priscilla added that "pinching and shoving" is also domestic violence. She added: "That is domestic violence. Forcing sex within the marriage or relationship, that's not allowed and unfortunately victims there's all these long words that people don't understand.
"And they're afraid to break down these words and this is where we always say come and talk to us, if you don't understand something come and talk to us.
"If you're unsure you're in a relationship that is toxic you might not even know you're in it, you think they're going to change but it only gets worse as they try and take control. If you don't break the cycle it's there forever."
Priscilla and her daughter Ainie have also recently written a new book 'Safe' about their experiences living through domestic violence which is now on sale for €14.99, and for every book sold €5 goes towards victims of domestic violence.
Priscilla and Ainie's new book 'Safe' is available to buy online for €14.99 via www.stopdomesticviolence.ie
To check out the podcast visit 'Everywhere We Go' on Spotify and the podcast episode is titled 'Safe.'
If you have been affected by the issues raised in this article, you can contact Stop Domestic Violence Ireland's Facebook page here or ring 0868697022.
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