Donald Trump is not the president of the United States right now. You can tell because we’re not currently facing a nuclear holocaust.
That’s lucky for us, because over the weekend the former president spoke to Republican donors in New Orleans, where he laid out how he’d handle the delicate state of global affairs, what with Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. Of course, Trump approached things with a calm, level-headed demeanor — just kidding! He signaled that he’d escalate things at every turn.
Here are all of the absolutely bonkers things Trump said, as reported by The Washington Post, ranked by how likely they are to kill us all:
1. Bomb Russia, blame China: The former president, who has the best brain, suggested that the U.S. should “put the Chinese flag” on our F-22 fighter jets and “ bomb the shit out” of Russia. “Then we say, ‘China did it, we didn’t do, China did it,’ and then they start fighting with each other and we sit back and watch.” This galaxy-brain level take — which fails to take into account that only the U.S. flies F-22s, that there is no reason that Russia would see the Chinese flag unless they shot down the planes, and that the F-22 is not a bomber — is the stuff the establishment just doesn’t think about.
Risk of getting people killed: 12/10, would absolutely lead to Russia firing a nuclear weapon at the U.S.
2. Finally getting tough on Putin: After spending the last few weeks (and, you know, years) praising Russian President Vladimir Putin for being “savvy,” “brilliant,” and “a genius,” Trump changed his tune to being the tough guy, stating that Putin “would have never” invaded Ukraine if he was still president. How does he know this? Why, it’s because he ... held up military aid for Ukraine to push for an investigation of a political opponent. Yeah, sure, that would have helped.
Risk of getting people killed: 10/10, would have allowed Ukraine to get decimated by Russia
3. Climate change is good, actually: While it’s not a military conflict, climate change is an existential threat to the planet, and Trump still thinks it’s all fake. “The global warming hoax, it just never ends,” he told the crowd, asking, “There was a big thing about global cooling, what will be next?” He noted that scientists have warned about rising sea levels, but he thinks that’d be a good thing for real estate. “Great, we have more waterfront property,” he said.
Risk of getting people killed: 10/10, would almost certainly accelerate the destruction of the planet
4. Running for president again: It’s not a surprise at this point, given Trump is barely being coy about his plans to run for president again in 2024. He spoke of the Republican nominee for the next election, saying, “I wonder who that might be.” He then claimed that he feels obligated to run again because “we’ve already won two presidential elections,” which is definitely not true.
Risk of getting people killed: 9/10, it already has.
5. Classic Trump name-calling: Because Trump is Trump, he couldn’t get through his speech without taking some potshots at his political opponents, complete with his trademark nicknames. Mitch McConnell is “stupid [and] corrupt,” which, yeah. George Conway is a “stupid son of a bitch.” Adam Schiff is “watermelon head,” which Trump helpfully explained: “because his head is shaped like a watermelon.”
Risk of getting people killed: 0/10, but you have to admit, he’s still got it.
